I decided to throw my hat into the ring of Character Assassination Carousel -- to partake in Ninja Mom's grand death squad of children's literature. Primarily because I had all BUT a normal childhood, thanks to shitty parenting. Case in point: I never saw a classic Disney movie until adolescence. Another case in point: my parents never read me children's books like all the other good parents. A final case in point: I'm a really fucked up person nowadays (thanks mom & dad).
Anyhow, the one book my parents did read to me on occasion was "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz." Yes, the same book that led to the immensely popular movie. I'm not sure what edition/version ours was, but it was a big, hardcover with lots of strange pictures -- that much I do remember. Most of the other content from the story I don't remember, because I mentally repressed it in my psyche since it was so terrifying to me. Until now. I dredged up those repressed memories and lay out before you the multiple ways in which "The Wizard of Oz" destroyed my childhood, gave me anxiety and depression, and confirmed shitty parenting skills on behalf of my caretakers. [Note: as you'll see, there are several differences between the book and movie]
(1) Lets start this book off with a giant tornado, shall we? Thanks mom; now every time I go outside as a kid, I can wonder if the dark clouds mean a tornado is going to ravage our neighborhood, rip me away from the clutches of my family, and toss me into a strange world of talking animals, metal men, and power struggles between witches and wizards.
(2) Speaking of strange world, what the fuck was up with those little people in Munchkin Country that were super excited about the death of some bad lady and had a sick obsession with yellow roads?! You see, probably the most damaging aspect of being read this story as a child is that what I imagined in my mind was VASTLY different than what was portrayed in the movie. I bet most of you never read the story, but from the perspective of a young kid, things didn't play out quite the same way as they did on screen. They were MUCH worse in my little head.
(3) One particular mantra of the book was clear: the evil witch, who ruled Winkie Country, was a mean bitch. No wonder my mom related to her so well. As a child, it's soooo relaxing to imagine a mean witch that controls legions of Winky Soldiers, and gets her kicks by sending packs of wolves, bees, crows, and winged monkeys to murder a young girl and her friends. Future anxiety disorders? Check.
(4) I wouldn't be Dr. Cynicism if I didn't spend just a moment re-emphasizing the Winged Monkeys. One more time: angry winged monkeys. Whether book or movie, that shit was fucking terrifying. What parent reads to their kids about evil flying monkeys that hunt you down, capture you, and take you to an evil witch's castle? Are you serious?! BEFORE BED?! THOSE ASSHOLES SHOULD BE PAYING FOR MY THERAPY SESSIONS.
(5) What about the grand ol' wizard? Surely he's a nice dude, right? One thing that didn't get across in the movie was how each of the characters "saw" the wizard. You see, each person sees the wizard differently. And here's where it gets fun for a kid -- the lion saw the wizard as a GIGANTIC BALL OF FIRE, Dorothy saw him as a GIGANTIC FLOATING HEAD, and the Tin Man sees him as a FEROCIOUS BEAST. Good thing they traveled such a long way only to shit their pants. Again I have to ask myself, what parent reads this to their kid before sleeping?!?! Fireballs and floating heads? I didn't even know what Pink Floyd and acid was at that age.
(6) Finally, nothing induces a panic attack quite like the scene where, after all that horrible shit goes down in Oz, Dorothy can't go home; she misses the ride on the hot air balloon because Toto chases after a cat (damn dog).
So there, now you see where my distrust of weather, little people, scarecrows, nearly all animals, and people in general comes from. Thanks Oz. Thanks mom and dad.
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In case you missed it, the last death-dealer in the Character Assassination Carousel was Iris, from The Bearded Iris, who wrote about the Llama Llama series. If you haven't read it yet, then that's going to be your next blog stop -- because it's friggin hilarious. Seriously, go there now. And for you forward thinkers, up next in the Carousel is Ilana from Mommy Shorts. Can't wait to see what she does!
