Ugh. It's that time of year again when I spend more time in cars, taxis, trains, airplanes, and hotels than in my own home or office. Naturally, this strains my schedule and sanity. Conferences, invited talks, and collaborations have me traversing the U.S. until I want to puke out of my ears and cry out of my ass (just pretend that made sense).
Anyhow, like a good scientist, I'm observant and always looking for explanations for things. So I'm not surprised that I've paid close attention to my travel habits, taking notes of certain trends and patterns that arise. Therefore, I was able to formulate the following "laws of traveling." I give you "Theorems and Hypotheses of Dr. C's Traveling." (creative naming schemes aren't my thing)
(1) The voice on my GPS is the reincarnation of an angry ex-girlfriend -- I believe her sole mission is to get me lost in the most dangerous neighborhood possible. She also makes certain to never update properly. Bitch.
 |
| Take roundabout, and then GET MURDERED BY A GANG. |
(2) You know that guy in the airport terminal that won't shut-the-fuck-up? You never have to worry about getting seated next to him on the plane, because he ALWAYS gets seated next to me instead. You owe me, people.
(3) The same goes for that guy who loves to take off his shoes, pick his nose, and clip his fingernails.
(4) Folks, there's no sense in trying to talk to me during the flight. I can barely hear you over the roar of the jet engines, the air vents blasting our faces, and the sound of my inner-ear constantly popping inside my skull. But above all, I really don't care about what you have to say. I don't care that you're the top sales rep or acquisitions manager for McDoogan Ballswang & Cocksackerson Inc.
(5) When a cab driver (who eerily looks like a member of Milli Vanilli) starts to break out in song during the drive, it's time to laugh your ass off and enjoy the crazy ride. When that same cabbie mentions the word "ovaries" in casual conversation, then it's time to get the fuck out of the car.
(6) Hotel room heating/cooling units are really nothing more than giant food dehydrator machines. Their only purpose is to remove all the moisture from your body -- turning you into human beef jerky, making you more susceptible to illness, and making the inside of your nose feel like a dry bowl of Rice Krispies.
 |
| You, after 2 nights at the Marriot. |
Your GPS voice is unfortunate. Mine sounds like Peirce Brosnan, so it's okay when he tells me to take a left when a left is non-existent.
And thanks for looking out for the rest of us and taking up all the looney airplane passengers for yourself.
They might sit next to you on a plane, but they sit next to me everywhere else. It's a wonder mercy killings aren't more popular.
I don't miss it. All those years of racing and sleeping in over 150 different hotel rooms per year. Don't miss it. I kinda do miss accumulating free air miles, and free rooms from all the frequent traveling. But really? If I get so sick of traveling and staying in hotels how can I miss getting THAT for free?
p.s. that douche who HAS to remove shoes during planes? gulps, I may have sat next to you once. yup. guilty. but my feet are perrrty!
Ha thanks for taking the hit with that guy on the plane...I always wondered why my plane rides were so pleasant.
And that GPS is a bummer...sorry man :(
Ha loved your post!
http://thegoodlifeoncampus.com/
Re: #2 - I thought he always sat next to ME. Maybe it's really you? :)
I love to travel for pleasure. I hate to travel for business. I think you need a couple of weeks either in Tahiti or Paris. It always sets me right.
As one who spends a lot of time driving, I can commiserate with you. The shit one sees on the road is often baffling and if one is lucky, funny.
I am the guy on the plane. What? I don't get a lot of uninterrupted adult conversation at home.
Okay, fine, hate me, but *I* will not get you killed by gangs.
@ Brent: Oooo... the Brosnan thing sounds awesome. Do you get secret agent fever while driving?
@ Meg: You've made me realize that my blog has a serious lack of the phrase "mercy killings." Thank you for correcting that!
@ Nikki: Agreed -- just cuz it's free doesn't mean it's good :-)
@ Riot Kitty: Hmm... tough to argue with that logic.
@ Linda: Sounds good to me! Just mail me tickets to both please!
@ J Bear: Haha... baffling and funny for the win!
@ Nicole: You don't count -- I'd talk to you for days :-) But also thanks for not getting me killed.
Hmm, I too get seated next to that annoying guy who never shuts up on flights.
Perhaps everyone in the world is that guy.
I think I could stand to be a little more like beef jerky. Thanks for the dieting tip.
I worked for McDoogan, Ballswang and Cocksackerson. That A.M. you were talking to? Ballswang's nephew-in-law. Guys got fucking rocks for brains but he can suck a cantelope through a straw. Just saying.
you do know you can get Bugs Bunny as your tour guide voice, right? He even plays the song at the end when you're there. At least you'll have fun when you get lost.
And lady in the plane who stole my son's blanket while we were a sleep and put your feet on his table by his head...I know where you live...sleep with one eye open Bitch..
I have missed you. Thank you for the sacrifice you make, any chance you will be flying to South Africa 8th Feb? I would really like it if you could take the chatty Cathy. Thanks.
You make traveling sound like such a dream. Why must people clip their nails in public? It drives me bonkers.
P.S. Safe travels.
My GPS sent me into a building more than once. Back to map and compass.
Thinking of asking to be seated next to a blogger. Might be more entertaining.
Great post, btw.
Regarding #5: I loved their song "Blame it on the Ovaries"
I don't think you have any idea how much I love "Cocksackerson." No idea. It made me cry last night when I was reading. Oh, and the human beef jerky machine--so, so funny. And so true.
What a brilliant post. Your observations were SPOT FREAKING ON.
@ youngman brown: You may be onto something there with that theory...
@ dbs: Ha! And here I joined a health club -- should have just followed the advice of Ron Popeil.
@ Leanne: Good to know he's a yes man.
@ hisqueen: Damn, that bitch better watch her back!
@ Nubian: Missed you too Nubian!
@ Unknown Mami: Yup, clipping nails in a public confined area. So sad what people have turned into.
@ Antares: Ooooh. What a great idea! They should have blog seating on planes these days!
@ Christian: I see what you did there -- well played sir.
@ karen: What about his counterpart Ballswang? :-) Glad you liked it!
I died laughing. Seriously. Hotel heating/cooling units- SPOT ON.
GPS systems have failed me on more than one occasion. And why do they always lead lost people to the scariest neighborhoods?
Thank you for sitting next to the most annoying people - so I don't have to.
I hate people who talk on planes. Can't they see I'm too busy praying we don't die?
I am hysterical laughing over the cab driver.
And you're 100% right about those damn hotels.
My husband is #2 guy - he would talk to a wall if he thought it was listening. We are horrible on an airplane because he is bored and I can do NOTHING but look straight ahead the entire flight. Thus he travels all over for work and I stay on the ground. After all, what a plane does is take off and then spend hours gracefully falling out of the sky! Next time you have an annoying person next to you - take their picture and then start blogging about them immediately - it'll either shut them up or amuse the rest of us!!
This can be easily solved by merely growing and training a clone.
@ drdrA: No one likes the Rice Krispy nose - no one.
@ meleah: I'm glad you're on my side!
@ laughingmom: He is?! How do you take it? Oh well, I may just have to take you up on the blog part -- not that I don't already bitch and whine about everyone I run into :-)
@ Laoch: Dear god man! This is the kind of superb thinking and problem solving that will get you places -- great places. Places with tons of minions to work under you. Just make sure to include me when you strike it big.
I mention ovaries in almost all of my conversations.
"Take a roundabout, and THEN GET MURDERED BY A GANG." Oh, I would like to steal that one so bad, but I won't, I won't...well, maybe. Great post! I love laughing at something or someone other than myself!
Tracie
Crackyouwhip.com
@ Logical Libby: That's what we all love about you Libby!
@ Tracie: Now that I think about it, there doesn't seem to be many roundabouts in gang territories... hmmm...
I think I could stand to be a little more like beef jerky. Thanks for the dieting tip.
Post a Comment