Monday, January 2, 2012

A 12-year-old Comedic Genius

Hope everyone had a great holiday, blah blah, gifts, blah family blah, back to work, blah blah blah.  Okay, now that the holiday drivel is out of the way, onward to normal blog drivel.

[Imagine a smooth transition...] Joke telling.  It's a lost art.  As a young kid, I found it my life's work to keep up with the newest and edgiest jokes -- perfecting the precise timing and subtle nuances of an outstanding delivery.  Jokes were an art form, and I the fledgling artist.  But over time, that went away.  Perhaps its disappearance is unique to me, or perhaps everyone loses the desire to tell jokes as they grow up, or maybe it's a culture-wide paradigm shift, or who the shit cares.

Regardless, I was recently thrown back into the joke telling mix by my nephew.  The same nephew who wields the snappy comeback/retort "Your face!"  During a recent visit, he demanded everyone's attention one evening and began telling jokes -- except he was really fuzzy on the middle part of every joke.  In other words, he'd tell the opening phrase or two, say he couldn't quite remember the middle, and then hit us with the punchline.  As the rest of the adults in the room sat in an uncomfortable silence, straining to offer the smallest chuckles simply to pacify the little guy, I was bent over in fucking tears, genuinely laughing until I couldn't breathe.  Think about it, it's a brilliant angle.  This kid may be a genius -- like on the level of Andy Kaufman genius.  I might be witnessing the start of his wildly popular comedy career; his entire shtick centered around telling only the very beginning and end of jokes.  Plus, he's already established his comedic wisdom, at least in my viewpoint.  So like any truly good person, good Uncle/relative, good adult role model, I decided to blatantly steal his shtick and claim it as my own (it'll teach him a life lesson in trust and the nature of humanity).

So during an evening of wading in whisky and good Belgian beer (or perhaps it was during a lab meeting -- same thing), I jotted down a few random joke openers and punchlines.  Perhaps you'd like to do the same and add them to the comments???

[Note: the following openers and punchlines are not connected to one another.]

Joke Openers
  • Ted Bundy, Rosa Parks, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Vanilla Ice walk into a bar... 
  • A man with 3 penises (peni?) gets on an elevator... 
  • So Hitler finds himself in a room with a can of baked beans and a goose that's aspiring to be a stand-up comedian... 
  • One day, the Duggars and the cast of Jersey Shore end up at the same swinger's party...
Joke Punchlines
  • Six horned unicorn? That's what she said! 
  • Tuesday! Because a vest has no sleeves.
  • Tandori chicken?!  I was about to drown your children!  Bahahaha... glad we cleared that up.
  • St. Peter at the pearly gates says: "If you weren't covered in steak sauce and shame right now, I'd kiss you into heaven!"
  • A festive party?!  I thought I was invited to a fisting party!
  • The platypus turns to the hippo and says, "If you hadn't hired a convict to shiv my brother in prison, I'd give you all the peanut butter and cream cheese you could possibly want!"


  1. Well, it certainly leaves one's imagination to work...

    Perhaps we should start blogging the same way. Start off with a brilliant opening paragraph, skip the thesis and the body, and go right to the wrap conclusion.

    Better yet: You should start teach class that way...

  2. A man stumbles out of a bar...
    "Happy New Year," says the bartender.

  3. haha, he's just cashing in on that "random humor" niche that's so popular right now (see: family guy cutaways). Hmmm...okay, here's a punchline for you: And THAT's why pigs don't eat bananas.

  4. Dear bro,
    There's nothing I find more funny than a poorly told joke.

  5. "A festive party?! I thought I was invited to a fisting party!" HOly crap what are they talking about on the school bus these days?

  6. @ J Bear: That IS a brilliant blog idea! And great for a lazy writer like me too.

    @ Antares: I like the reversal!

    @ Gia: Ha! Yea, random humor is all the rage. And I love it :-)

    @ dbs: It's a joke all to itself, right?! Glad someone else loves watching that.

  7. @ Bearman: Hahahaha... oh kids.

  8. I tell jokes like your nephew.

    I can write pretty funny shit, but whenever I try in person, it's pity laughter all around.

  9. Two stoners go into a bar...

    ...woah, dude, your ass really IS grass!


    No, I'm so happy right now. I HATE jokes. I hate them so much I H8 them. As soon as someone (almost always a guy) says "wanna hear a joke?" I feel my joy core shriveling up and beginning to die. I feel the time that I'll never get back FLYING off my life clock.

    But this? THIS?!? This made jokes surprising, greater than 50% less tedious in the telling! Plus, the ridiculous is ALWAYS funny!

    Well done, sir. Well done.

  11. @ Just Me: If you tell them like my nephew, then you're doing it damn well!

    @ Namnezia: A+!

    @ karen: Haha, well shit, I'm super-pumped that you're now super-pumped about joke telling/hearing! Glad it did the trick for ya :-)

  12. Wow, I thought my husband's mind went to some dark places...

  13. So, this blogger comments on a blog ...

  14. Oh dear god. I think your nephew is my mother! It's so painfully pathetic and her timing is just terrible, with a lot of "Wait. No, that isn't right..." thrown in for good measure. And the fisting party punchline? Doc, so not funny. That happens to people all.the.time. Do you know what it's like to show up for a good fisting and find out thats not what your lispy neighbour meant??? Um, me neither... *cough*

  15. If I have nightmares about the Duggars getting fisted, I'm blaming you.

  16. This one time, there were 2 crack dealers on the same corner....

    ...and so it turns out a hippopotamus really *can* win a ski race while chugging from a beer hat!

    Oy. It's late, and I'm making it up as I go. Children's jokes are the best jokes.

  17. One day, little Susie asks her daddy about the birds & the bees...

    ...And that's why your mom isn't allowed inside a Walmart.

  18. @ Riot Kitty: Oh dear, you have no idea. My mind spends time in the darkest of caves imaginable.

    @ Sarah P: I'm dying to know the rest!!

    @ Leanne: Wow -- I had no idea how prevalent the fisting party dilemma actually is. We should make bracelets or some sort of ribbon to bring about awareness.

    @ Meg: Ha! Sweet dreams :-)

    @ TriGirl: Congrats on an A+! Love it!

    @ Vinny C: Bahaha! Oh shit you got me with that one dude -- spit up my morning coffee. Thanks for that man.

  19. These are hilarious! And I am cry/laughing @ TriGirl's comment / joke.

  20. I have nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero. But I made it to class.

  21. Why does it always have to be three penises? Because odd numbers are funnier. It's science.

  22. A bunch of monkeys enter an empty room...

    ...and that's why Magnum PI takes place in Hawaii.

  23. @ meleah: Yea, Trigirl and Vinny got me good :-)

    @ Nubian: It's okay; it's the effort that counts.

    @ Logical Libby: Haha! Science indeed -- well played.

    @ Christian: Love. It. And anything with Magnum PI gets an A in my class.

  24. So Jesus and Buddha were playing Uno on an iPad when all of a sudden...

    [hem, haw, something about a horny anteater...]

    ...And the priest said, "You'd dance funny too if you had broccoli growing out of your butt!"

    This is actually exactly how I tell most jokes. Except I don't have an uber hip uncle who actually laughs. Thank you, Dr. C, for making me feel whole again.

  25. Sorry about that. Will an award make things better? Well I've got one for you anyway.

  26. @ singlegirlie: Haha! Glad you are back to feeling whole :-)

    @ Vinny: Well duh! Awards ALWAYS make things better!

  27. And then the camel was like, "OK, but this is the last straw. I mean it this time, you guys." ... (cue applause)

  28. @ alonewithcats: Classic... classic. Applause heard all around!