Hope everyone had a great holiday, blah blah, gifts, blah family blah, back to work, blah blah blah. Okay, now that the holiday drivel is out of the way, onward to normal blog drivel.
[Imagine a smooth transition...] Joke telling. It's a lost art. As a young kid, I found it my life's work to keep up with the newest and edgiest jokes -- perfecting the precise timing and subtle nuances of an outstanding delivery. Jokes were an art form, and I the fledgling artist. But over time, that went away. Perhaps its disappearance is unique to me, or perhaps everyone loses the desire to tell jokes as they grow up, or maybe it's a culture-wide paradigm shift, or who the shit cares.
Regardless, I was recently thrown back into the joke telling mix by my nephew. The same nephew who wields the snappy comeback/retort "Your face!" During a recent visit, he demanded everyone's attention one evening and began telling jokes -- except he was really fuzzy on the middle part of every joke. In other words, he'd tell the opening phrase or two, say he couldn't quite remember the middle, and then hit us with the punchline. As the rest of the adults in the room sat in an uncomfortable silence, straining to offer the smallest chuckles simply to pacify the little guy, I was bent over in fucking tears, genuinely laughing until I couldn't breathe. Think about it, it's a brilliant angle. This kid may be a genius -- like on the level of Andy Kaufman genius. I might be witnessing the start of his wildly popular comedy career; his entire shtick centered around telling only the very beginning and end of jokes. Plus, he's already established his comedic wisdom, at least in my viewpoint. So like any truly good person, good Uncle/relative, good adult role model, I decided to blatantly steal his shtick and claim it as my own (it'll teach him a life lesson in trust and the nature of humanity).
So during an evening of wading in whisky and good Belgian beer (or perhaps it was during a lab meeting -- same thing), I jotted down a few random joke openers and punchlines. Perhaps you'd like to do the same and add them to the comments???
[Note: the following openers and punchlines are not connected to one another.]
- Ted Bundy, Rosa Parks, Mikhail Gorbachev, and Vanilla Ice walk into a bar...
- A man with 3 penises (peni?) gets on an elevator...
- So Hitler finds himself in a room with a can of baked beans and a goose that's aspiring to be a stand-up comedian...
- One day, the Duggars and the cast of Jersey Shore end up at the same swinger's party...
- Six horned unicorn? That's what she said!
- Tuesday! Because a vest has no sleeves.
- Tandori chicken?! I was about to drown your children! Bahahaha... glad we cleared that up.
- St. Peter at the pearly gates says: "If you weren't covered in steak sauce and shame right now, I'd kiss you into heaven!"
- A festive party?! I thought I was invited to a fisting party!
- The platypus turns to the hippo and says, "If you hadn't hired a convict to shiv my brother in prison, I'd give you all the peanut butter and cream cheese you could possibly want!"