As promised, I'm back for a double-whammie this week. Here's just a small taste of my massive wishlist, so start buying -- you're running out of time!
The WilliamsWarn Personal Brewery (top left): Home beer brewing kits are typically shitty and amateurish. Some of the "best" companies out there try to sell you a pack of plastic jugs, plastic tubing that came out of a 1970's high school chemistry lab, and supplies that look like they were packaged in some old dude's basement. It's ridiculous, and disgusting -- home brewing isn't for a OCD-ish clean freak like me. Until now. I must own this. Watch the videos and try not to wet yourself, just try, I dare you. And what's great for all of my readers is that the WilliamsWarn starts at only $5,660 -- that's all! So I'm expecting like 8 of these to arrive in the mail; afterall, you guys want 'A's in my course, right?
Remote Controlled Helicopter (top right): Okay, brace yourselves for my most innovative teaching idea in years. I've always wanted one of these things, and now I can get it by having my department pay for it (insert a "fuck yea" right here). Basically, during my classes, the helicopter would fly around patrolling the room for students that aren't paying attention (texting, sleeping, updating Facebook, etc) and then dive bomb them. So if students don't want chunks of their hair clipped off or minor puncture wounds in their skull/face, they'll learn to get their shit together during lectures. But here's the kicker -- the student with the highest grade gets to fly it around! BAM! Fear training and reward learning all wrapped into one. This is going to get published in a teaching journal, I can feel it.
A baby (middle left): I'm not in the mood to get all down and depressed right now, I've been doing plenty of that on my spare time. Needless to say, my wife and I are still infertile, even after thousands of dollars of IUI treatments, surgery, and almost 2 years of precision fucking. A clinical trial for IVF may be next on our list (since we're going broke in the process) if we don't create a zygote in the next few months or so. So c'mon Santa, bring us a fuckin baby or else we're gonna hit up the mall and start stealing them.
The Periodic Table of Swearing (middle): I want several of these, one for the office, one for the lab, and a mobile version that I can wheel into every class I teach. Frankly, I may never need to speak again, since everything that already comes out of my mouth is nicely arranged on the table. A gift that does all my talking and communicating for me? Total win.
A Scotch distillery (middle right): Only a noob would ask for Scotch when you could ask for an ENTIRE DISTILLERY instead, amiright? And run by a small army of Oompa Loompas? Yes please. Just think of Willy Wonka's factory, but replace all the candy and chocolate with whisky and more whisky.
A tropical island (bottom left): It's time for either Bill Gates, Oprah, or Richard Branson to step-up and buy me this. I'm a little torn on what to do with the island though. I could use it as a place to escape to once every month, or I could use it to ship boat loads of idiots to once every month. Either option is quite compelling, no? Whudduya think?
A giant crossbow (bottom right): A rocket launcher would also work, but there's something attractive about the primal hunter aspect of a crossbow. I won't burden you with my exact plans for said device, or reveal any possible motive for legal purposes, but just understand that I need one. If you're imagining a post apocalyptic, Mad Max-ish scene where I'm flying down the highways, hanging out of my rugged dune buggy while wielding a crossbow painted in flames, then you've got a decent idea of where I'm going with this :-)
On that note, Happy Holidays everyone!!!
