Given some shitty interactions with ridiculous students lately, and one of my experimental paradigms that is failing left and right, I've been forced to rethink the career choices I've made in life. Today I'm going to dabble in the art of fortune telling and horoscope readings. Permanent career change? Possibly... possibly.
Aries: At some point this week, place $4,520 dollars in a gray Adidas gym bag. Head to 42nd & 3rd, and place it under the door stoop with 2 green ferns beside it. Walk one block west, and tell a hobo named "Slappy" that the "pesto is in the pasta." If, and ONLY if you do this, you will have a fantastic and disease-free weekend!
Taurus: You're astrological sign shares its name with a shitty Ford sedan. Expect a shitty week.
Gemini: Don't take public transportation this week. Unless the death of a small Polynesian village doesn't matter to you - you ass.
Cancer: Your astrological sign looks like "69." Something tells me your week will be just fine. Enjoy.
Leo: You're going to have an active yet relaxing week, as you meet up with old friends or entirely new people. At times you'll feel outgoing, but sometimes reserved. You'll strive for new experiences or remain complacent in your comfortably stagnant ways. You'll either get or lose money - and be either happy or sad about that. You see where I'm going with this? Great.
Virgo: A lost love from your past will email you tomorrow, spilling their guts about how they never stopped loving you and will gladly give up their entire life for the chance to be with you once again. Unfortunately, (s)he sent it to the wrong email address. Therefore, your week will carry on uneventfully, with take-out food dinners, shitty TV, and a farting boyfriend/girlfriend with bad breath that you want to stab in the night as they sleep.
Libra: Remember that guy you cut off in traffic yesterday? No? Well oddly enough, he remembers you. And he just found out where you live. Have a relaxing week!
Scorpio: Do you honestly expect to be given a horoscope reading after what you did? Oh I know what you did. I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.
Sagittarius: Near the end of this week is a great time to call your boss a motherfucker. You'll be showered with respect, promotions, money, and prizes. I'm sure of it.
Capricorn: Your horoscope is so special and secretive, that I can't even share it with everyone else - only you.
Aquarius: This week is as good as any to subscribe to Wooden Boat Magazine.
Pisces: Stay away from chicken salad and tuna salad this week. Trust me. Or don't trust me. But you ARE reading a horoscope right now, so that means you don't believe in free will or silly things like 'science,' so I'd just do what I say.