Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Fortune teller extraordinaire

Given some shitty interactions with ridiculous students lately, and one of my experimental paradigms that is failing left and right, I've been forced to rethink the career choices I've made in life.  Today I'm going to dabble in the art of fortune telling and horoscope readings.  Permanent career change?  Possibly... possibly.

Aries: At some point this week, place $4,520 dollars in a gray Adidas gym bag.  Head to 42nd & 3rd, and place it under the door stoop with 2 green ferns beside it.  Walk one block west, and tell a hobo named "Slappy" that the "pesto is in the pasta."  If, and ONLY if you do this, you will have a fantastic and disease-free weekend!

Taurus: You're astrological sign shares its name with a shitty Ford sedan.  Expect a shitty week.

Gemini: Don't take public transportation this week.  Unless the death of a small Polynesian village doesn't matter to you - you ass.

Cancer: Your astrological sign looks like "69."  Something tells me your week will be just fine.  Enjoy.

Leo: You're going to have an active yet relaxing week, as you meet up with old friends or entirely new people.  At times you'll feel outgoing, but sometimes reserved.  You'll strive for new experiences or remain complacent in your comfortably stagnant ways.  You'll either get or lose money - and be either happy or sad about that.  You see where I'm going with this?  Great.

Virgo: A lost love from your past will email you tomorrow, spilling their guts about how they never stopped loving you and will gladly give up their entire life for the chance to be with you once again.  Unfortunately, (s)he sent it to the wrong email address.  Therefore, your week will carry on uneventfully, with take-out food dinners, shitty TV, and a farting boyfriend/girlfriend with bad breath that you want to stab in the night as they sleep.

Libra: Remember that guy you cut off in traffic yesterday?  No?  Well oddly enough, he remembers you.  And he just found out where you live.  Have a relaxing week!

Scorpio: Do you honestly expect to be given a horoscope reading after what you did?  Oh I know what you did.  I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

Sagittarius: Near the end of this week is a great time to call your boss a motherfucker.  You'll be showered with respect, promotions, money, and prizes.  I'm sure of it.

Capricorn: Your horoscope is so special and secretive, that I can't even share it with everyone else - only you.

Aquarius: This week is as good as any to subscribe to Wooden Boat Magazine

Pisces: Stay away from chicken salad and tuna salad this week.  Trust me.  Or don't trust me.  But you ARE reading a horoscope right now, so that means you don't believe in free will or silly things like 'science,' so I'd just do what I say.


  1. The tricky thing about Cancer, though, is that while it LOOKS like 69, it's ACTUALLY crabs. Coincidence?

  2. Capricorn gets Rick and I get a wooden boat? Next exam I want my cover to be in purple with sparkles and stars... gold ones for the exceptional student that I am.

  3. *runs around house frantically closing and locking doors*

  4. Sagittarius: Near the end of this week is a great time to call your boss a motherfucker. You'll be showered with respect, promotions, money, and prizes. I'm sure of it.

    I do this a lot, actually. This week, though, I happened to do it in front of another co-worker who isn't used to my foul mouth (because for some reason they think I'm sweet and nice and charming) and the boss threated to fire me. I told him "go ahead! it'd make my life a hell of a lot easier." He just chuckled.


  5. What Nubian said..but my paper still needs to be PINK..and only PINK..with the glitter and stars of course..
    Poor Sunshine..that's what happens when your married to the boss..at least that was my problem. They just laugh at you and tell you to get back to work..

  6. @ Dr Becca: Beautiful insight...

    @ Nubian: Now THAT'S earning extra credit right there! Displaying a clear understanding of activities related to class happening outside of class (Darwin Weeps)! A+ for the week!

    @ Elly: How many people did you cut off?!

    @ Sunshine: That's what I like to hear - a healthy dose of hatred toward authority :-)

    @ hisqueen: Wait, do you deserve extra credit too, or are you just following along with Nubian??

  7. Mine is so accurate! I am having a shitty week!

  8. "Libra: Remember that guy you cut off in traffic yesterday? No? Well oddly enough, he remembers you. And he just found out where you live. Have a relaxing week!"

    Great. Now I'm scared!

  9. If I get murdered in my sleep tonight by the estranged man who "feels" like I cut him off while I was merging into the empty lane while he switched lanes 10 car lengths back and then gunned it to 95 mph right as I was merging over, well, then that would seem like a totally normal way to go given what the Libra horoscope says.

  10. As a Scorpio ... uhh this is accurate any day of any week. Unless you've just recently started paying attention to what scorpios do then... umm sorry!?!

  11. You are rather good at this. Therefore I declare you the "boss" of me. Thus you are a mofo.
    (I'm a Gemini, the two-faced sign, but my alter-ego is Sagittarius.)

  12. @ Vinny: See? The stars never lie.

    @ meleah: Of course that was never my intention - MUWHAHAHA!

    @ Wannabe Housewife: That was some beautiful imagery of road rage.

    @ Not the Hero: It's okay, I forgive you :-)

    @ Bearman: Wait, is this Bearman or Denny?!

    @ Antares: Now it looks like you're going to have a helluva busy week!

    @ dbs: I like that equation! You = good, therefore you = boss = mofo.

  13. Ah, yes, the wisdom of telling my boss (who is also myself) she's a motherfucker is that I will be able to capitalize on my Capricorn nature and watch me some puppets. Potter puppets. Making my lameness complete enough that I wil require further astrological guidance. You devious swine, you.

    PS: Hi-to-the-MOTHERFUCKING-larious.

  14. wow. that was scarily accurate. I assume, since half the fortune will go unnoticed by me. but the part about my farting boyfriend? hooboy.

  15. Oh, how I would love to take this advice this week. My boss is acting like a jerk.

  16. @ Nicole: By being your own boss, I believe you opened up a wormhole in the time-space continuum or something.

    @ andygirl: lol - "hooboy." Oh how 1 word can say so much.

    @ Sarah P: Go for it Sarah - go for it.

  17. Slappy said he was allergic to pine nuts, now what?

  18. Wooden Boat Magazine? I hate magazines but now you have me feeling anxious. This was not what I was hoping for.

  19. My week is going to be shitty? Well shit.

  20. Um. true story I'm a cancer.

    And i rarely have good weeks.

    So........... there's a flaw in your logic. But, I do try to represent my sign as often as possible. haha

  21. Quit your day job, Dr. Cyn. You have a gift.

  22. @ Meg: Now you Judo-chop his sternum and run.

    @ Linda: Don't doubt the power of Wooden Boat Magazine - it has a certain allure that is intoxicating.

    @ Chelle: :-( So sorry Chelle.

    @ bluntdelivery: Now you're talkin!

    @ singlegirlie: With this gift comes great responsibility. I'll use it for good. Unless I'm angry one day - which I suppose is everyday. Hmm... so angry. Am I still talking?!

  23. Sadie without the S9/16/11, 8:30 AM

    Yeah it was a shitty week - thanks for the fortune!