Saturday, August 27, 2011

A REAL Hurricane Irene Survival Guide

Unfortunately, my friends in the northeast are about to get screwed by Irene, and not the easy, low self-esteem Irene we knew from college.  Even more unfortunate, the media is filled with misinformation about how to prepare for such a storm, flooding the airwaves and webpages with lists of things to do and items to purchase that, frankly, don't seem to be truly helpful in my opinion.  So to all my dear friends living in the projected path of the hurricane, Dr. C is here for you.  I'm taking precious time out of my morning routine to write an impromptu Hurricane Irene Survival Guide - a REAL survival guide.

Things to Get/Steal/Purchase:
(1) 20 boxes of ready-made bacon.
(2) 15-20 cans of Spaghetti Os.  These are not for eating, rather to lather yourself in so that you become quite slippery, in the event of being wedged under debris or to become more aerodynamic as you fly through the sky.
(3)  1 bottle of Oban, 1 bottle of The Balvenie, 1 bottle of The Dalmore, and 1 bottle of Royal Lochnagar.  Or maybe 2 of each.
(4)  Some people tell you to stockpile batteries.  Although that seems legit, it's total shit.  I mean, C'MON people, if hurricane winds rip through your home, those batteries instantly become flying weapons of destruction.  Instead, keep lots of sharp knives handy.  You never know if you'll need to cut yourself free from some type of obstruction.  In fact, I'd scatter a bunch of those knives in all kinds of places throughout your home, especially near windows (more accessible if you need to cut away screens or break window seals for escape).
(5)  Okay, maybe batteries aren't a horrible idea.  I'd keep a few extra on hand to power sex toys and such, just in case you're without power for more than 5 hours.
(6)  3 packs of fresh, raw chicken breasts - I'm sure this will be useful somehow...
(7)  20-30 assorted canned goods.  Not to eat, you idiot, but to hurl at wandering neighbors who dare approach your home seeking shelter after their house has been ravaged.  It's best to distribute the cans to your children, who will be stationed outside anyhow (see 'Things To Do' section below).
(8)  The media tells you to get a hand-crank radio.  LOL.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Who wants to be busy cranking something when you'll be busy shitting your pants and watching it fly away in 100 mph winds from your roofless kitchen?! 
(9)  Lastly, I'd buy one of these houses.  It may protect you from the hurricane, but the real beauty in this house is that you're guaranteed protection in case Irene brings about a zombie apocalypse.

Things To Do:
(1)  Write and send hate letters to all your family letting them know how shitty they are.  Make sure to explicitly point out each of their flaws.  This could be the end, so don't wuss out and leave any unfinished business.  Express your true feelings to everyone "close" to you.
(2)  Get all heavy, sharp, and fragile objects away from the floor.  It's probably best to stack them high up on wobbly structures like tall, thin, freestanding bookshelves.
(3)  Charge up your cell phones and iPads; you'll be playing A LOT of Words with Friends or Wordfeud.  I mean, what the hell else will you be doing?
(4)  When the critical hours arrive, make sure to stay tucked securely inside your "safe zone," while your significant other routinely patrols the inside of the entire home checking for damage.
(5)  Similarly, you'll want any and all children to be stationed outside checking for damage and keeping an eye on things.  They're quicker and more nimble, being able to dodge tree limbs and flying debris much easier.  If any of them find damage, they can send you a chat on "Words with Friends."
(6)  In the peak moments of the storm, feel free to try out any taboo sexual moves on your partner that they have been hesitant to try in the past.  Amidst the confusion and emotion associated with life-threatening situations, they may be willing to give it a go.
(7)  Most important of all, stay cynical.  Oh, and don't think things through or be rational - what garbage.  Just instantly react to things based purely on emotion.


In all seriousness, I wish you all the best and hope Irene isn't a raging bitch (like Aunt Carol).  Please follow your local guidelines and stay safe!  We'll be thinking of you.  And you bloggers in the Northeast better get back on your blogs/Twitter/FB asap to let us know you're okay :-)


  1. I'll be sending this home to my Jersey family. I don't hesitate to say, "Thank, life saver."

  2. OK that zombie house is all well and good but what if I'm in the pool house when they show up and they beat me to the house? Better figure out how to close off the pool also.
    I knew there would come a day when I wouldn't regret having kids.(though I do love my kids dearly and would probably help them out from under a fallen tree if I had to) Better think about having a few more for moments like this hurricane situation since the ones I have are almost grown up.

  3. Yeah, that zombie-proof house better be quick at closing up or else I'm not really going to buy one after all.

    And I think maybe keeping at least one of your kids with you to hold over your head like a shield during the height of destruction might be beneficial.

  4. "I mean, C'MON people, if hurricane winds rip through your home, those batteries instantly become flying weapons of destruction. Instead, keep lots of sharp knives handy."

    So flying knifes are better than flying batteries???

  5. @ Nicole: Awesome; I'm sure your family will appreciate it.

    @ hisqueen: Agreed - it's really the only reason I'm even wanting kids. That and house work.

    @ Brent: Human shield is never a bad plan.

    @ Bearman: Exactly!!!

  6. Good tips to keep in mind. Even though hurricanes usually just veer off in other directions when they get close to my country. I think they get scared. We have a bit of a crime problem, you see.

  7. Thanks for the well wishes and the tips, Dr. C. I'm smack dab in the path of this Hurricane and to be quite honest, the people right now are acting like they've never seen the rain before. Not that I'm trying to undermine this storm, but seriously, these people need to use their brains. I can't even take it.

  8. Aaawwww! You went all sweet and nice in the end just like Lisa Lampanelli when she roasts people!


    Lisa? Are YOU Dr. Cynicism?

    p.s. how cool would THAT be?

  9. "Most important of all: stay cynical" = hilarious.

  10. Finally, somebody who is willing to tell the masses the real truth. You might have to copyright this you know? How about doing one for earthquakes, since apparently they're not just a west coast thing...Don't forget the hand-cranking radio though, that's a must...

  11. Several of my east coast friends are without power. One of them in VA posted that her neighbors kids were out in their pool during the storm. She took pictures and said she'd post them on facebook. If she does, I'm sharing them with you.

  12. Get an inflatable woman. Good for flotation down the raging river, and great company on those lonely post-apocalyptic nights.

  13. Batteries. Sex toys. Whiskey. Adding to my Tsunami kit.

  14. Man! I seriously could have used this list! I did wind up playing many games of Words With Friends while trying NOT to completely freak out.

  15. Sadie without the S8/31/11, 11:24 AM

    I lost electricity for about 5 hours, it was horrendous....

    I managed to stay cynical though, and that's what matters at the end of the day, am I right?

  16. something about combining #2 in Things to Get and #6 in Things to Do has me disturbed.

  17. Forget the hurricane (I live in California where I only have to worry about hot wind and earthquakes, with the occasional marine layer).

    I suggest you print, laminate and bind this into a book called the "How to Survive Like a Badass (In Pretty Much Any Situation...Especially A Zombie Apocalypse Because You KNOW That Shit Will Happen)"

    I can definitely see how slathering oneself in Spaghetti O's can be useful in a multitude of scenarios...*mind wanders*

  18. Buy a flashlight and a case of beer. Done.