Unfortunately, my friends in the northeast are about to get screwed by Irene, and not the easy, low self-esteem Irene we knew from college. Even more unfortunate, the media is filled with misinformation about how to prepare for such a storm, flooding the airwaves and webpages with lists of things to do and items to purchase that, frankly, don't seem to be truly helpful in my opinion. So to all my dear friends living in the projected path of the hurricane, Dr. C is here for you. I'm taking precious time out of my morning routine to write an impromptu Hurricane Irene Survival Guide - a REAL survival guide.
Things to Get/Steal/Purchase:(1) 20 boxes of ready-made bacon.
(2) 15-20 cans of Spaghetti Os. These are not for eating, rather to lather yourself in so that you become quite slippery, in the event of being wedged under debris or to become more aerodynamic as you fly through the sky.
(3) 1 bottle of Oban, 1 bottle of The Balvenie, 1 bottle of The Dalmore, and 1 bottle of Royal Lochnagar. Or maybe 2 of each.
(4) Some people tell you to stockpile batteries. Although that seems legit, it's total shit. I mean, C'MON people, if hurricane winds rip through your home, those batteries instantly become flying weapons of destruction. Instead, keep lots of sharp knives handy. You never know if you'll need to cut yourself free from some type of obstruction. In fact, I'd scatter a bunch of those knives in all kinds of places throughout your home, especially near windows (more accessible if you need to cut away screens or break window seals for escape).
(5) Okay, maybe batteries aren't a horrible idea. I'd keep a few extra on hand to power sex toys and such, just in case you're without power for more than 5 hours.
(6) 3 packs of fresh, raw chicken breasts - I'm sure this will be useful somehow...
(7) 20-30 assorted canned goods. Not to eat, you idiot, but to hurl at wandering neighbors who dare approach your home seeking shelter after their house has been ravaged. It's best to distribute the cans to your children, who will be stationed outside anyhow (see 'Things To Do' section below).
(8) The media tells you to get a hand-crank radio. LOL. Are you fucking kidding me? Who wants to be busy cranking something when you'll be busy shitting your pants and watching it fly away in 100 mph winds from your roofless kitchen?!
(9) Lastly, I'd buy one of these houses. It may protect you from the hurricane, but the real beauty in this house is that you're guaranteed protection in case Irene brings about a zombie apocalypse.
Things To Do:(1) Write and send hate letters to all your family letting them know how shitty they are. Make sure to explicitly point out each of their flaws. This could be the end, so don't wuss out and leave any unfinished business. Express your true feelings to everyone "close" to you.
(2) Get all heavy, sharp, and fragile objects away from the floor. It's probably best to stack them high up on wobbly structures like tall, thin, freestanding bookshelves.
(3) Charge up your cell phones and iPads; you'll be playing A LOT of Words with Friends or Wordfeud. I mean, what the hell else will you be doing?
(4) When the critical hours arrive, make sure to stay tucked securely inside your "safe zone," while your significant other routinely patrols the inside of the entire home checking for damage.
(5) Similarly, you'll want any and all children to be stationed outside checking for damage and keeping an eye on things. They're quicker and more nimble, being able to dodge tree limbs and flying debris much easier. If any of them find damage, they can send you a chat on "Words with Friends."
(6) In the peak moments of the storm, feel free to try out any taboo sexual moves on your partner that they have been hesitant to try in the past. Amidst the confusion and emotion associated with life-threatening situations, they may be willing to give it a go.
(7) Most important of all, stay cynical. Oh, and don't think things through or be rational - what garbage. Just instantly react to things based purely on emotion.
In all seriousness, I wish you all the best and hope Irene isn't a raging bitch (like Aunt Carol). Please follow your local guidelines and stay safe! We'll be thinking of you. And you bloggers in the Northeast better get back on your blogs/Twitter/FB asap to let us know you're okay :-)