The following post needs a preface. Specifically, join me in listening to Professor Lewis Black discuss the scientifically proven reason for why people develop and ultimately die from aneurisms. (Skip ahead to about 1:30 for the important stuff).
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| Lewis Black - College Horse | ||||
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Unfortunately, I experience this same phenomenon on occasion. Since procrastination makes up a large part of my day-to-day routine, I like to jot down some of the random statements I overhear that are likely causing the most severe damage to my brain. I submit the following, all of which I truly overheard via in-person conversation or cell phone conversations:
(1) If that's your goal, then you need to be fisting chicken breasts. [Girl talking to guy while walking out of my class]
(2) Oh, you'd definitely know if you've ever stabbed a pig. [Two guys walking by my office window]
(3) No, only in the city, because I'm disease free. [Forgot to write down the context]
(4) I don't need to hear about that stupid love triangle anymore hon, just buy a damn ice cream cone already. [Guy on cell phone in computer lab]
Now, as was noted by Professor Black, I'm expecting my aneurism any day now. However, I got to thinking... what if there's a process that could reverse this phenomenon? Hmmm... what if there was a way to eliminate the brain-eating statement from our head? Here's my theory. If I can plant an aneurism statement in someone else's head, it should have a cathartic effect on me and get rid of my aneurism. Hell, at the very least, I'll know I'm not suffering alone. So to prove my theory, I made up some random phrases that I must plant into other people.
(1) So it turns out there was no bowl of oatmeal that morning, she just had syphilis.
(2) Forget the peace pipe, I was born to dick your cheese muffin.
(3) It all boils down to the ratio of babies that were actually eaten compared to those that weren't eaten. I think a bar graph would get the point across best.
(4) Losing that knife fight to Liza Minnelli was probably the best thing that ever happened to you.
(5) Honestly, I didn't know you could still get scurvy, but at least the cupcake recipe is still in secure hands.
(6) Can you believe it?! Eight canaries, a wounded sailor, and a Vietnamese fuck-basket. I never thought Jim could use the Bible like that.
(7) I know, right?! One minute you're eating Szechuan chicken, and the next minute you're taking it from behind - happens all the time at that place. What's worse, they don't offer any soy sauce or a reach around. Total amateurs.
So whudduya think? Do I have your blessing to go and plant these into unsuspecting people?
#7 was overheard in chambers during the debt crisis talks.
#2 is my favorite. Will never look at a muffin the same way again.
What was the assignment again? I forgot. (That just made your head explode didn't it?!)
I have already two this year alone.
I'm going to find a way to make number 2 and number 5 a part of my for-real life history. For real.
@ Nubian: Yes; head exploded.
@ Oilfield Trash: Were they caused by random phrases that burrowed into your mind?
@ Nicole: If you do manage to squeeze these into real life, please report back about the results!
Number 8 is my favorite.
I have a strong desire to share a long elevator ride with you now, Doc.
I'd propose, but, you know, no time for love, Dr. Cynicism.
Hilarious post.
You are so brainy you scare me. Or maybe you just scare me. Whatever.
I'd consider it an honor if you dicked my cheese muffin.
Even in an allegorical sense.
Try to trigger a Goonies adventure by muttering “No the Dean’s gold isn’t in the bike shed, it’s just some stupid map.”
A bar graph would definitely work best with...
*aneurysm*
.
.
.
I'm okay!
Go forth, Doc, and spread aneurisms.
OMG I have BEEN to that Chinese place! Total scam, but the egg rolls are ADDICTIVE, amirite?
@ Antares: #8? You just gave me an aneurism.
@ Maxwell: To plant something horrible in my head?
@ Sarah P: *blushing* There's really no time for anything anymore.
@ Linda: Yea, I wouldn't bother splitting hairs like that. We'll just chock it up to me being a generally scary person.
@ Denny: Oh no sir... the honor is entirely mine.
@ Drake: Goonies!!!!!
@ Vinny C: Whew... thought I lost you there man. Don't scare us like that bro.
@ DangerBoy: You heard it right here folks - Danger Boy just gave me the green light to wreak havoc. So blame him not me for what may appear on the evening news.
@ Dr Becca: Totally! So you HAVE been to that place! (And what's up with that thing that Mr. Lee wears?)
Nosy co-worker always likes to listen in on my conversations so I decided to utilize one of these nuggets of awesomeness.
I decided to call my voicemail and was rambling about this and that and then dropped the "So it turns out there was no bowl of oatmeal that morning, she just had syphilis." line to see if she was listening in as usual.
She said nothing. Instead, she gasped and then dropped her Red Bull mid-sip all over her desk and ruined her keyboard.
Totally worth it.
I love Lewis Black. SO VERY MUCH.
# 2 = my favorite.
@ Wannabe Housewife: Sweeeet! It's like vicarious aneurism giving! Thanks for spreading the pain to others.
@ meleah: He's a gifted man, no?
You definitely need to get those out there. However, sadly, contrary to the word syphilis, you may need to offer some kind of surreptitious definition of scurvy for statement #5...people nowadays are far more knowledgeable about their sexually transmitted diseases than their nutritional deficiency ones.
PS: You're so smart!
Best thing I've read in WEEKS...
Pearl
yes, indeed, he certainly is!
I had approximately 69 aneurysms just reading your list, so I suspect it will be very successful.
so wait, my insisting on condoms only in the city because i'm disease free gave you an aneurism? the burbs are cleaner, no?
TFF!
ok.
liza minnelli.... just wow. i get an aneurism just looking at her.
and the ice cream cone guy is right. although he has just began a lifelong emotional eating disorder for his gf and when she's all tubby, he can blame himself.
@ Sandra: You're right - scurvy is soooo last year. I should replace it with something more modern and chic.
@ Pearl: Flattered! Maybe one day, maybe, I may write something that is remotely close to the hilarity that are your stories. Maybe. Okay, probably not.
@ Luda: 69? Is this Denny? Nvm... thanks for the blessing! I'll spread them about. And welcome to class!
@ patty punker: Whoa! Damn good suggestion for the possible context there - that might have fixed the aneurism!
@ blunt delivery: She's a sight for sure. And wow, that aneurism is deep on so many levels. I envy your insight.
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