If one more shithead asks me how I'm enjoying my "time off" this summer, I'm going to stab them in the eye and/or temple (depending on my angle) with a Bic pen. I'd use a Bic pen because those people don't deserve a higher quality stabbing implement. Also, I don't want blood and eye juice on my currently-favored Sharpie Pens.
 |
| I'm somewhere underneath there. |
You see, working in academia carries with it the misguided notion that all professors have summers off, just like elementary school teachers or snow ski instructors. The truth is that many of us can be busier during the summer than almost any other time of year. Summer semesters give us a chance to focus on our research, which can mean any or all of the following: (1) running a few quick studies/experiments that have been on our mental back burners all year; (2) finishing up a few studies that have been running through the past two semesters; (3) writing and sending out manuscripts that have been haunting our desktops for way too long; (4) planning and preparing studies/experiments that will be run in the following two semesters; and (5) grant writing (the hell of all hells).
In addition to that, some universities give us an opportunity to teach summer classes. Now if you're a rich tenured professor who's allergic to money, then you laugh at this "opportunity" and chug away at your research or chug away at doing absolutely nothing. But if you're Dr. Cynicism, you say something like "What the shit?! I can get a second measly pay check?!" and you agree to teach 2 courses over the summer. I don't know what the fuck went wrong inside my head that day, so here I am teaching 2 summer courses on top of doing all that research-related horse shit that I was bitching about earlier.
The icing on my cake of anguish? I currently get to deal with family members who are quite possibly the most irresponsible, selfish, and useless people on earth. (No, Mrs. C is definitely NOT one of these people)
 |
| Hi. I would be the motorcycle in this picture. (found here) |
So, this particular lifestyle has wonderful side effects. For instance, last night, as I was tossing and turning in between anxiety-and-stress-fueled night terrors that are now commonplace, I awoke to find a strange woman in my bed. After screaming like a little girl and grabbing my iPod as a weapon, the woman began talking me down. She explained to me that she was my wife and that we've been married for several years now, and even though I've been off in my own world for weeks now, barely noticing her existence, she's going to take the "high road" and stick with me until I come out a better person at the end of all this. I also found out the hairy animal at the foot of my bed was our pet - we've had him for about 2 years now.
Do you talented students see where I'm going with this? I'M OVER-FUCKING-WORKED and OVER-FUCKING-STRESSED.
*Breathe in, breathe out. Fill tumbler with Scotch. Breathe in, breathe out*
This is my fancy way of saying "sorry." Not just to my wife, but to my readers too - I've been a shitty blogger lately. I haven't been posting much, I certainly haven't been visiting all the blogs that I love to read and comment on, and the Darwin Weeps Twitter campaign has been practically non-existent. I'll do my best to get back in shape. In addition, I have a few ideas that may breathe a little life back into Cynicism 101. *cue Dr. Evil laugh*
And the best part about your job is that you're never "off." Nights, weekends, showering, pooping, etc. are all attacked by thoughts of work, research, grading, students, teaching, blah, blah, blah...
I can so relate to being over fucking worked and over fucking stressed.
So wait? How is your summer off? haha
You should do what a professor I had did. He assigned us this huge research paper (I think it was something on the telecommunications industry). After the class ended I learned he had a corporate client that was paying him money to do present them with a paper on the same subject. Where do you think he got his arguments and sources? IE. Make your students do all your research in exchange for a grade.
Sorry you are having a tough time... but please know that "grabbing my iPod as a weapon" made me laugh. The last time the old man scared me, I was headed for the shot gun... He had to announce (read: scream) his name because he heard me opening the gun cabinet......
What? I thought you were laying around eating and smoking a bong! Now you have totally ruined my whole day. I was sort of communing with you until now. Wake up, light up a doobie, eat a nice breakfast, take a nap, watch a movie, light another doobie. Shit! This is life altering. Now I have to get stressed and ignore my family. Oh wait! All I have is a traveling husband and two big dogs. They like to eat and nap too.
I would REEEEALLY like to know what you googled to get that motorbike picture.
Sorry to hear things are so crazy, Dr C, we've missed you! Hang in there. I can see that at the very least, you've got the proper coping tools (Scotch), so my feeling is that you'll pull through in the end!
Take all the time you need, your peeps will wait. Well as long as you don't bring in Doc La-La-Fucking-Everything's-Coming-Up-Roses blog twat to fill in for you while you dig your way out of the wedgie of doom.
Wow, talk about your angst! Throw in a wife named Martha and you have "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf!"
OpinionsToGo
You know... I actually almost can't wait to feel overworked again. Too much free time sucks ass!
@ Maxwell: You MUST be in academia too.
@ oilfield Trash: It's a bitch, right?
@ Bearman: What a great fucking idea! Why didn't I think of that?! Cuz I'm not as awesome as Bearman - that's why. But at least I am awesome enough to pose questions to myself and immediately answer them...
@ Whiskey Girl: You sound dangerous! I like it.
@ Linda: I hate to have burst your bubble :-( I was a lazy pot smoker for most of my teenage and college years if that makes you feel any better? And if I had the choice, I'd become that again.
@ Dr Becca: Thanks for the pep talk Dr. B. At what point will it be okay for me to move on from Scotch to pills? After tenure?
@ Nubian: Hey what a great idea! I should find out what Dr. Optimism is up to and see if he can fill some space for me! (Note that the blame is now on you)
@ As We Speak: I had a deprived childhood, so I don't know what that book is. But if this Woolf person is anything like me, then I imagine legions of kids had nightmares for years to come?
@ Vinny C: What the what?!?!
"eye juice" = hilarious. However, I suspect that Hannibal Lecter type psychos are now going to hit your blog after googling that phrase.
My siblings-in-law are high school teachers who always have the summers "off" and they drive me fucking crazy. What's that? You want to me go away with you for two days in the middle of the week on a whim? No I can't fucking go and you know it you ass face. I work 50 hours a week...EVERY week.
All I can say is hang in there. Drinking helps...a lot.
@ dbs: I'm kinda worried they were already hitting up my blog.
@ Wannabe Housewife: LOL! That's pretty much what I want to say to all those idiots too.
Actually, I think it's been 40 years since I smoked pot, but I still think it's a good idea.
you're totally legit. not because you do all of that research and shit, but because you grade your writing implements and make seasonal changes to your favorites.
ps: ewwww blood and eye juice.
pps: no apologies necessary. especially when you're the road bitch being smothered by family.
Well, look on the bright side (am I really saying that to someone called Dr. Cynicism?) - I'm sure the summer school students are a super special breed that will provide lots of blogging fodder. Remember their gems of wisdom and please share whenever the fat dude parks and gets off your ass to grab some Carl's Jr.
I think it’s mutually and silently agreed upon that all bloggers will have erratic posting times over the summer and be back in force during autumn and winter.
That's a funny thing about the summer. Nobody can detach themselves from the childhood perception that it's awesome. It's not anymore. It's a stressful, time because on TOP of your casual activities, you HAVE TO MAKE MOST OF THE NICE WEATHER. I totally feel you man. No biggie about the blogging hiatus.
Damn, sorry you've been so busy this summer. Sounds like you really need a break, my friend. Hopefully that scotch filled tumbler will help take the edge off.
@ linda: that's why i like you linda.
@ pattypunker: "you grade your writing implements and make seasonal changes to your favorites." wait, there are people that DON'T do this?!
@ singlegirlie: nice perspective! i'll try to stay observant for the benefit of cynicism 101.
@ drake: then i'm in great company!
@ ben: good points - it's like we're desperately clinging to the notion that summer = awesome.
@ meleah: let's hope it does. otherwise i'm soon to end up on the evening news.
problem with stabbing someone with a BIC is no ink will go into their eye
I just discovered your blog and have been enjoying your posts over the past few days. I think we could all use a dose of cynicism in our lives. Funny stuff!
I have been feeling to "Sunshine"y as of late, I knew there was something wrong. Come back and knock us down a few pegs from the Optimism Chart.
Being in the academia means you never get to leave work. Wherever your brain is, there is your work. You always always carry your work with you, and the work is never done because you need to be published etc etc. *shudder* Only the strong get to stay. The weak ones scurry away when they realize they do not have the stomach for the stress. (speaking from experience...)
My 13 year old asked me last year, "So you do not have summer off?!" I looked at him. "I mean, you still go to work every day?" I looked at him. "Oh, so that's why you leave the house every day?" I looked at him. "Being a grown-up sucks!"
@ littlejohn: I like the way you think!
@ Paddy: I'm more than willing to share my mountain of cynicism.
@ Sunshine: That's what I'm here for - to destroy happiness in my always failing search for happiness.
@ Absence: Academia is a big fickle bitch. Sometimes it's nice, most times it's not. Regardless, as you say, I totally understand the "never get to leave work."
Found you over at Alex Nighbert's. My apologies for the comment that "Dr. Cynicism must be my long lost sister." Clearly you are my long lost brother. Looking forward to reading more.
A friend who is a teacher is teaching summer school.
That's not very helpful.
Hugs?
@ Valerie: It's okay... I'm not above being a sister to a deserving person. Also, welcome to class!
@ Antares: Hugs. Indeed.
So how you enjoying your summer off, wink wink - nudge nudge
Post a Comment