Another semester recently came to a close. Usually, this is an amazing feeling of relief, typically coupled with about 1 week worth of binge drinking and random, uncontrollable fits of scary laughter. Strangely though, as I stood in front of the lecture hall on the last day of this semester, I peered out into the vast chaos of students texting, writing, sleeping, reading, listening to music, and wasting air, and I couldn't help but wonder if they had learned anything. That's crazy talk, right? I mean, c'mon, I'm Dr. Cynicism, caring whether anyone in my class learned anything?? What the fuck has gotten into me?!
Perhaps I should clarify... I don't wonder whether they learned anything about the actual subject I'm teaching, I'm just curious if any of them picked up some real world knowledge - any skills or pieces of wisdom that may help them in their future classes, college career, or perhaps life. As many professors will attest, students are pretty good at narrowly memorizing course topics for the duration of a semester and mindlessly regurgitating that info back up onto a test. But every single semester, I'm absolutely amazed at the lack of common sense, lack of basic communication skills, and lack of personal/professional etiquette in the undergraduate population. That's why I've always wished that universities would require freshmen to take a core class in basic human sensibility - something that would teach them the ropes of college, with a hefty dose of common sense intermingled here and there. But that will never happen.
Indulge me for a minute though... could you imagine what it would be like if students actually DID learn things from my class?! It would be holy shittin terrific. Imagine a magical universe where centaurs roamed free, clouds rained chocolate sauce, and Dr. C had the ability to teach important things to undergrads. If we lived in such a dream world, the following list would be things that students could tell the world that they learned by taking my class.
(1) There's a document called the "syllabus" that tells me everything I need to know about the class; it's handed out the very first day! Dr. C apparently doesn't want us to throw that away though, and even likes for us to look at it a second time or more.
(2) If I'm going to fall asleep or play Angry Birds on my phone/laptop, it would be easier to stay at home to do that - I could have skipped the whole waking up, getting dressed, and walking/driving to class thingie.
(3) I'm allowed to take notes on anything that occurs in class or anything that the professor says, not just the words written on the PowerPoint slides.
(4) Dressing like a whore really doesn't get me ahead.
(5) Dressing like a man-whore really, really doesn't get me ahead.
(6) Cursing in class or via email doesn't do much for my credibility or maturity status.
(7) I've learned a few things about emailing the professor. For instance, it's best to include a salutation like "Hello." It's also good to refer to him as "Dr. Cynicism" rather than "man," "dude," or nothing at all. It also helps to tell the professor who I am. At the end, it's good to close with something like "thank you," rather than "word" or "I'm out." Lastly, it's probably best to change my email address to something different than "muffhunter69xxx@hotmail.com."
(8) I don't have to go to class because Dr. C videos his lectures and posts them online. However, I need to actually watch those videos.
(9) Shockingly, not only the professor, but most of the students in class don't like when I ask stupid fucking questions over and over and over again.
(10) I learned to turn my cell phone off in class. Not only was the ringing disruptive, but Dr. C enlightened me that it was embarrassing to let other human beings know I spent real money on a Ke$ha or Rebecca Black ringtone.
(11) There's this thing called "responsibility" - I'm apparently supposed to "take" some for myself.
(12) It turns out that I'm not really entitled to anything - I have to earn stuff instead.
Okay, okay... 11 and 12 are stretches, but a man can dream, can't he?
 |
| Found here. |
OMG ur so old fashioned and quaint dude! What's a salutation?
I have a pretty good feeling at least some of your students really DID learn from you.
Making T read this before he starts in the fall! Husband relates as he is an undergrad, but one in his 40's. Finals week next week and students are outside playing beer pong.
Who the hell is Ke$sha and Rebecca Black?
I think everyone should be required to take a class on basic human sensibility.This world is so full of fucking idiots it amazes me. We live in a town with two major colleges. Having to interact with some of these students makes me want to stab my brain with a fork.
I always only wrote down only what the professor wrote down too, which is why I excelled in school. #winning
You make some great points there.
I have always thought that a full semester course on "common sense" should be taught at all colleges and required for all students.
I took my first college class at 30. I actually had some marvelous professors and they actually changed and improved my world views in so many ways. Unscientific me found I adored Physics and did well in the class. Non-math inclined me also got an a in Statistics. I guess being a working single mother and going to school at night to get a degree worked very well for me. I wasn't there to play. I was actually there to learn. Too bad you don't have a lot of 30 year old divorcees in your classes. It might make it better if you did unless they put on slutty clothes. Oh heck, even then.
Creating a class to teach basic common sense seems counter-productive to me. If you were to lynch them all, evolution would eventually compel nature to provide you with superior students. You’d be doing us a favour really.
There should absolutely be an app for common sense.
@ Alli: I think you just wrote verbatim an actual email I got this semester :-)
@ meleah: What?! Are you trying to say I may actually be a good professor?! Of all the dirty rotten things to say!!!
@ Nubian: "Who the hell is Ke$sha and Rebecca Black?" That statement is exactly why you're a great student.
@ Mrs Pickle: i wish I was kidding, but I'd give anything to have a real course that taught students how to attend college. It would save a lot of us from fork injuries.
@ ocdbloggergirl: Winning indeed!
@ Oilfield Trash: Damn right. It's somewhat shocking to think that we can't convince the administration to do something like that... don't they have to deal with these kids a little too??
@ Linda: "I wasn't there to play. I was actually there to learn." And that right there is the KEY difference between all my star pupils and the bottom of the bell curve. (by the way, tell all your friends to start dressing slutty and attending my class)
@ Drake: I love the way you think Mr. Sigar. Love the way you think.
@ dbs: Yea, Apple really dropped the ball on that one.
I always thought that if I was a professor that 50% of the grade would be class participation. I showed up to class and it really irked me the guys who didn't and only cracked the book the night before the exam and walked away with passing grades.
Look, give me roaming centaurs, and I don't even NEED the chocolate sauce clouds, OK? I am ON BOARD.
@ Bearman: Ah yes, participation. I've gone back and forth on that, including it some semesters and not others. It's a great idea, but typically a pain to enforce and quantify. If you were in my class Bearman, I'd give you an A+ just for being named Bearman.
@ Dr Becca: Woot! Look out world, cuz here comes centaurs and Dr Becca!
Oh man, you read my mind. Human sensibilities? How about a class on what the difference is being humans and non humans, I know my students would totally flunk that.
Dressing like a whore in college is bad enough, but sporting the gansta look, complete with tear tat on the corner of the eye can't be much better. How about dressing like a whore in training in middle school?
I think you're asking a little too much of your poor undergrads with # 10-12. if my students could only learn not to burp in class and throw papers at each others, I would be so proud....
Doc, I think this post proves that it is YOU who will never learn :) Don't expect anything and you'll be as happy as... anyone...
The flaw with having a class in basic human sensibility is that they'd probably learn as much from that class as they'd learn from the others. Then forget the entire thing as soon as the class was over.
@ Alessandra: "if my students could only learn not to burp in class and throw papers at each others, I would be so proud..." They make us so proud each and every day. *sniff sniff*
@ Leila: Very true - I'm a stubborn man. I keep expecting things when I shouldn't. My cynicism should have taught me that by now...
@ Vinny C: Dammit Vinny! Why do you have to go making sense like that all the time?! Your logic is bulletproof.
I was a note-taker for Pathology in Optometry School. Each class had a note-taker who provided the notes for that class so people could actually listen to the instructor and look at the pictures he was showing.
Of course, we didn't have texting or Angry Birds on our phones back then...
Yes, Mr. C, you may be asking for a bit much with number 11 and 12. On the other hand, those two lessons are being replaced with the knowledge of how to properly use a beer bong, and a realization that if you only eat cereal and Ramen Noodles, you'll have more money for beer for said bong. Something that may come in handy if they decide to drop out or take a year off.
You just described my high school students. Aren't students in college supposed to be more responsible? Or is that just my naivete speaking?
Prof. Fries, is this you???...I could swear I've already heard all of the above from my year 1 sociology prof (who was totally hot by the way)...But just to clarify one point, I'm pretty sure dressing like a whore did get me a higher mark...
@ OptoMom: Oh yea! We have notetakers too - I know because they're usually the only one's taking notes :-)
@ Emma Claw: Honestly, I don't want to get in the way of students mastering beer bong usage or beer pong playing. That's what college is for. Keeping the grades up helps, but it's the only time you get to do beer bong hits every day and not be considered a drug addict loser.
@ Brent: BAhahahahaHAhaha! Oh wait, were you serious about thinking college students get better after high school?
@ Sandra: First, I'm guilty as charged in the hot department, but I'm not Mr. Fries, sorry. Second, I think dressing like a whore can still get higher marks.
Word, Mr. C. Nothing as nostalgic as a friendly, drunken, round of beer pong, or handstand hit from the beer bong.
No. 12 might be a stretcher, but it's the most important life lesson there is. I'm sick to death of all these people (adults and kids alike) who think that they're "entitled" to a plethora of things just because they breathe.
@ Emma Claw: Precisely.
@ J Bear Savo: Preach it J Bear!! In all honesty though, I want to choke out those entitled pieces of bad-attitude crap.
I don't understand why they bother attending if their goal is to end up on reality TV.
On the bright side...the...uuummm...Nope, we're doomed.
dude, i lost the link to the vids. would you send it to me? gotta bounce.
Well, I must admit I was not a model university student, as I was mostly interested in boys and partying (I made up for it in grad school, though, promise). But when I read some of this shit I just want to bitch slap some of these assholes. What do they say about you on Rate My Professor?
@ Antares: "On the bright side...the...uuummm...Nope, we're doomed." HA!!
@ pattypunker: You're in my class, aren't you. How did you find me here?!
@ singlegirlie: Haha, I don't think any of us were model students - I did enough drugs, drinking, and sinning to send an entire country to hell. But I didn't disrespect the profs like they do these days - I don't know why, it just seemed on a different level of wrong. Grad school, eh? Oh and surprisingly, they like me on RMP - go figure.
I would have killed to have a professor like you when I was in school.
The dressing like a man whore part would just be an added bonus.:)
ok. we need to start a revolution, jamie oliver style.
since high school i've said there needs to be just one, JUST ONE class dedicated to "life." you know, like, balancing a checkbook and changing a tire and fricken common sense shit.
cus guess what. no one has parents anymore. and when i worked at the bank OH MY GOD it was insane how stupid people were.
and nowadays half the kids can't even read in middle school.
grrrr.
but seriously, you post your lectures online? dude, i'd of been kissing your ass in college.
All this comes down to: wtf are the parents doing??? Isn't it a parent's job to teach their kids simple manners, how to dress, how to address people with respect and general common sense shit like that? Look at me. I'm all pro and crap, my mom who, god bless her, raised me amazingly after coming back from the bar at 4am did a wonderful job!
Sheesh, today's parents!
ツ my cyber house rules dot com
@ bschooled: Hmmm... I never thought that I could be the one to dress like a man-whore, but hell, why not give it a try.
@ bluntdelivery: By now, it's no shocker that we had the same idea, amiright? I like the revolution idea 186%!
@ Nikki Rules: Parents are the ones making their kids this way! It's sad. But still, I'd rather it remain the parents' job than mine.
This is truly fantastic. As a new grad student who will be teaching her first two college classes this fall, I want this for my own syllabus. Especially the ringtone crap. (I taught high school for a year. That stuff gets annoying really quick.) I would also add- your attitude affects your grade. You don't show up for class and don't work, then don't come crawling to me for extra credit when you spent most class periods bitching about being hungover.
Also, I might need your help as August approaches. I think I will need your advice.
@ newteacherwife: Welcome to class! We're here to help - and to maintain the cynicism in teaching college kids.
Oh man....as a professor at a 5th-rate educational cafeteria, I immediately recognized the students you've profiled...
This coming semester, I'm going to set up a table covered with brown paper, divided into rectangles. At the first class, I'm going to request that my little geniuses find a space they like it, and mark it with their names or initials. At that class, and for the duration of EVERY class, they will place their cell phones (or, as I call them, "electrical umbilicals") on that space. OH, how they will kick and scream!! But if they don't like it, they're free to drop the class. Wish me luck.
@ Anon: That sounds FABULOUS! Hopefully the admins won't get all bitchy about it either.
Post a Comment