By now, I'm sure you've all seen or heard of a popular children's book that's actually meant for adult readers. Of recent fame is the book Go The F**k To Sleep, by Adam Mansbach. There are also several others lurking about, such as Monsters Eat Whiny Children, I Hate Everything, and Baby, Mix Me a Drink. Anyhow, I recently scored a quick interview (*wink*) with the author of Go The Fuck To Sleep. Clearly he must have recognized my immense marketing knowledge and skill set. Anyhow, he let me in on the lifestyle of a kid's book author and what upcoming projects may be headed our way.
Me: Welcome to Cynicism 101 Adam. I want to start off by asking how you're handling this new found fame?
Fake Adam Mansbach: *belch* Ughh, ha ha ha! People probably don't realize it, but this children's book gig is the tits man! The parties, the drugs and booze induced 3-day benders, the chicks, my god it's like I'm a rockstar! I woke up this morning in Vegas with $100 bills stapled to my ass, got no clue what happened man. It's been 4 days and I still haven't come down dude. *belch*
Me: Dammit! Why was I so bad at choosing a career?
Fake Adam Mansback: It's okay dude, I didn't know about it either man. And I'm a smart guy, so I know this ride ain't gonna last forever man.
Me: So considering that fact, how do you plan to get the most out of this gravy train?
Fake Adam Mansback: Easy man - we're gonna paint the fucking sky with new book titles as fast as we can. Get em out, get all those hot soccer moms to buy em, and then I'll invite those same milfs over to video tape me rolling around naked in mountains of cash.
Me: Teach me Obiwan. Anyhow, are you allowed to give us a glimpse of some upcoming projects?
Fake Adam Mansback: Probably not, but I don't give a shit man - let's do it. First, my publisher and I are going to continue the very basic notion of the "F**k" series. One in particular is:
But honestly, that's just what the publisher is pressuring me to do man. I want to take things in a totally new direction. The "F**k" series is all for adults, which in turn just keeps kids sheltered from the real world. Why should kids get to live in a bubble of innocence while the rest of us are exposed to a cruel and soul crushing society and culture?!
Me: I'm totally with you. I'm an equal opportunist, so I think everyone should be injected with cold hard reality.
Fake Adam Mansback: EXACTLY DUDE! You get it. So I've got lined up all kinds of books intended to be read directly to children. For example, we've got something aimed at sex education:
I've got a series that immerses children into the REAL role they play in the family dynamic too. It's called "It's All Your Fault."
And lastly, the one I'm really excited about, is a book series called The Conversation Starter. It's meant to get kids talking to their parents about any topic you want. So let's say you want to know about things at school, the books will guide you on how to dig up information from the kid.
Fake Adam Mansbach: I'm so excited man!
Me: Me too Adam; I wish you the best of luck. Thanks so much for sharing your time with me and my students today!
Fake Adam Mansbach: *buuuuuurp*
That is TOO funny!! I think I might go back to school and become a therapist...it looks like the way to go to cash in on the upcoming gravy-train :)
1. how come i don't get any fake authors around my joint? i mean, my blog is named after a joint, so, they should be lining up.
2. we should go into the book making business. fake college textbooks.
3. or some other business. any other business, really.
4. if you think this is a cry for help, you have good instincts
My mom's blank slate was contaminated 34 years ago...and here Denny is.
In unrelated news, your cousin Brenda is 90% naked and sitting on my lap right now.
You are a horrible person, children must be protected from the reality of life.
Psst, where can I order them?
Adam Mansbach is the real life Charlie Harper.
@ tahtimbo: Now you're thinking!
@ bluntdelivery: Fake authors don't read your blog, real authors do. Also, I'm totally in on a business venture with you. Whatever venture that may be.
@ Denny: Denny "Blank Slate Destroyer" DelVecchio.
@ Antares: I'll hook you up with the contact info bro.
@ Drake: It would appear so, right? Dude wreaked of booze and hooker sweat - wreaked!
I like to just add swears here and there to the books we already have.
Amazing. I'm buying all of these and reading them nightly whenever I have kids. They will be so screwed up, yet very aware that Santa Claus doesn't exist and if they don't shut up, they will be sleeping outside.
These are too late for my children. All good books though. Screw Dr. Spock!
I bet this guy is a really good dad.
You're a genius.
No. Seriously, this post was awesome!
Personally, I'm going to start spouting off the "It's all Your Fault" title at my kids everytime they ask a question. I figure it'll span a wide variety of topics.
...again, just 'cause surely you can never get tired of reading this, but you're brilliant.
This is hilarious. I think the "It's All YOur Fault" series could have a whole branch devoted to the classroom, you know like "Why Do You Have Such Low Grades? It's All Your Fault!" or "Why Is Your Teacher Always Mad? It's All Your fault!" I'm sensing a best seller here.
@ Chelle: That's why you're my hero.
@ newteacherwife: That sounds like unconditional love right there - through and through.
@ Linda: To hell with Dr. Spock; bring it Dr. C! I like the way you think Linda.
@ Dr Becca: Right? Father of the year award perhaps?
@ Sandra: I try. Be warned though, your kids may be forever scarred after this book series, and I'm too much of a coward to take responsibility for that :-)
@ Alessandra: Oh my god I LOVE IT! I smell more book titles right around the corner!
I'm not one to usually pay you a compliment, sir, but this post rocked! Be sure to listen to Samuel L. Jackson read "go the F*** to Sleep" on youtube! I think these books are far more interesting than "Everyone Poops" or "The Holes in your Nose!"
"book gig is the tits man" haha...I haven't heard the word "tits" used that way since hanging out with the girls track team in college.
Ha! Thanks, I needed a laugh after starting my day at 4 a.m. when my six year old screamed "Mommy Mommy Mommy" for absolutely no reason. Maybe the next book should be STFU And Go Back To Sleep Until My Advil PM Wears Off.
The thing is, I would probably read everyone of those to my child.
Just to note that the North Korean government has pirated this series of books and now presents them to parents in edited form, as written by the Dear Leader (whose birth was foretold by a swallow. Of what, they don't say).
The books are unchanged with the following exceptions:
- No profanity.
- Gentle urgings in the name of the Dear Leader.
- If the child still does not go to sleep, he or she is shot.
this is fantastic.
And "blank slates to be contaminated" - I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND because I'm going to borrow that from now on.
Also, those pictures are HILARIOUS!
@ laughingmom: "I'm not one to usually pay you a compliment" This cracked my shit up :-)
@ bearman: I want to die, just so that I can come back as someone who attends the college you went to.
@ Alli: "Maybe" it should?! Um, HELL YES it should! :-)
@ J Bear Savo: That's why you just scored 50 extra credit points sir.
@ joem18b: "If the child still does not go to sleep, he or she is shot." HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Love it!
@ Lemons: You can totally borrow it. It belongs in better hands.
omg i think this may have been your funniest post to date.
"Lay off the fucking pixi stix"
"Mommy and Daddy aren't really wrestling."
"It's a girl! Now Daddy can't coach baseball."
OMG!! This is sofa king funny. As a parent, I can totally relate to Fake Adam Mansback. And now I must buy the real book Go The F**k To Sleep!
You haven't truly experienced the book until you've heard the audio version read by Samuel L Jackson. We actually listened to it, adult beverages in hand, sitting around a campfire.
@ pattypunker: All winners in my book! Nice!
@ meleah: The sofa king returns! I hear the reading by Samuel L. marvelous.
@ Shieldmaiden96: Sounds like what I'd rather be doing right now :-) Welcome to class!
Late to class, but I do have an excuse.
Nothing profound to say, just thanks for the laugh. It was much needed.
@ Nubian: No profound retort either, just "you're welcome."
God damn it. People getting rich off of good ideas. And they're not me.
Say ... is he looking to pay anyone to lay around and enjoy his money?
lie around.
damn it.
Oh this is very, very good. V.E.R.Y. G.ood. (Okay, I'll settle down now.)
@ Sarah P: I'm sure that superstars like him are absolutely looking for ladies to enjoy his money.
@ dbs: T.h.a.n.k. Y.o.u.
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