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| Entirely random venn diagram; found here. |
There's a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odi... whoops, wrong speech... Sorry bout that.
*Ahem* There's a time in every man's life when he must confront himself. When he must examine who he truly is as a person and as a member of society. One of the best ways to do so is to examine his actions and behaviors. However, to avoid self-serving biases from interpreting his own actions, he must call upon the wisdom of others, those that are closest to him. He must call upon the perspectives of his family and friends and have them interpret his actions and behaviors.
So that's what I did over the past couple of weeks. Unfortunately, most of my best friends live far away, and very fortunately, I'm not close to my family (in terms of distance or relations). So that leaves Mrs. C as the only meaningful observer of my behavior. So in order to better understand what kind of person I am, I could only rely on her for this little exercise in self-growth. But, rather than make her aware of what I was doing, I decided to simply keep a record of some of the things she said to me over the past couple weeks. So here are some ACTUAL phrases that came out of Mrs. Cynicism's mouth recently that were directed toward me:
(1) "Are you planning on communicating through country music song for the rest of the day? Because if so, that's going to determine how I mentally prepare for today."
(2) "Do you mind not playing the drums on your stomach while you drive? Because that red thing you flew past was a fucking stop sign."
(3) "No, you can't call our fertility clinic and ask if they have a BYOP (bring your own porn) policy. Just use what they have for god's sake and don't embarrass us!"
(4) "I am WAY more thoughtful than a bag of chips, you ass!" [in my defense, this was probably taken out of context - I'm sure it made perfect sense within the actual conversation]
(5) "My boss is about to call the house to discuss a very important issue, so please don't be yelling, singing, or acting like your normal self over the next half hour while I'm on the phone, OK?"
(6) Mrs C: "Hon?"
Me: "Yes?"
Mrs C: "Do you remember me asking you, every morning for the past week, to mail this envelope?"
Me: "Ugh, yeeeessss. I'll do it today. *eyes widen* Wait, what's today?"
Mrs C: "Saturday."
Me: "Ohhhh, then I meant NO. I totally do NOT remember you asking me to mail some envelope, especially the one that had to be sent by Friday or else we could lose our flexible spending health insurance card/account. I am in no way responsible for that - I don't remember anything."
Mrs C: "Awesome."
(7) "Your readers think you're kidding and being funny, but you DID try to eat Five Guys, lo mein, and Taco Bell all for lunch on the same day, didn't you?!"
(8) "Our dog has a limited vocabulary as it is, but I'm thrilled that you've incorporated 'fuck machine' as one of the phrases that he probably knows by now." [again, in my defense, Cynical Dog likes to hump a LOT of things around the house]
So there we go. You guys are smart students, so I don't have to explain in detail what all this means about me, right? Right. It clearly means I'm a brilliant, empathic, brave, kind-hearted, brilliant, insanely attractive, manly-but-sensitive-when-required, honorable, brilliant, humorous, and lovable man. Did I mention insanely attractive and brilliant?
That diagram is beyond true.
Dear Mrs C.
You rock.
Sincerely,
Nubian
Sorry, dude. It means you are suffering from testosterone toxicity, just like me. There is a cure, but you're not going to like it.
"(2) "Do you mind not playing the drums on your stomach while you drive? Because that red thing you flew past was a fucking stop sign.""
Story of my life! My husband thinks driving and sight seeing go hand in hand. I'll be sitting in the passenger seat watching my life flash in front of my eyes and he'll be asking if I just saw that Carabao with the dog on it's back walking down the side of the road! Um, no, but I may have soiled the upholstery in our new van...
Aaaaaaaaaw. It's a love poem.
It just so happens I asked my wife this question earlier this evening: "what is my best quality?" Her response? Er, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, er, uhhhhhhhhhhhh.
(But it's okay because she still necks with me sometimes.)
I love Mrs. C. the end.
Your wife is hilarious.
So...regarding the question about your attractiveness and awesomeness? I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.
Every clinic should have a BYOP policy; us Internet hardened veterans can’t spank the monkey to anything less vile than Asian twins getting sodomized by trout.
@ Oilfield: Right?!
@ Nubian: Hey now, don't encourage her.
@ Jonah: I don't want to know what the cure is - unless it involves eating copious amounts of cake pops.
@ Meg: I like to think of it as adventurous driving! Being spontaneous when it comes to the rules of the road :-)
@ Antares: Precisely!
@ dbs: Sometimes I like to think it's me allowing her to stay by my side cuz she gives it up now and again, but I'm thinking it's more about her being the only one on earth to tolerate me. Nahhhh!
@ andygirl: Please, please don't encourage her!
@ Lemons: Hooray! A believer!
@ Drake: BAAHAHAHA! Right? Like their petty little airbrushed magazines could ever hold a candle to our internet tastes. Psh!
::laughs:: that's hysterical. Thanks for sharing.
You were going to ask the clinic about their BYOP policy? Very considerate of you, but I thought that's what iPhones were for.
clearly there was no need to cast a wider net for this examination: you're a total catch. i mean who else puts a totally random venn diagram about bathrooms and the mario savio bodies upon the gears speech at the start of a post.
Dear Mrs C.
You are fucking hilarious!
With Love,
M
I'm beginning to think our wives having the same name is more than a coincidence.
My husband and I have pet names for each other. He calls me "Sweet Pea". I call him "Fucking Idiot". (But it's with love, you know.)
I'm guessing that Mrs. C is insanely attractive and brilliant. I also bet that she is like me when she meets your friends and acquaintances:
Dr. C : "Meet my wife Mrs. C.
Mrs. C : "Nice to meet you."
Friend : "I'm SO sorry."
Stomach drums and speaking in song... hmmm... if we ever met up, I swear we could conquer the world as long lost twins of some kind.
Plus it sounds like Mrs. C and my wife would get along great, spending their days making fun of us.
Now if you will excuse, me, I have something to mail. Shit I left it at home. Tomorrow for sure.
@ Haven: Sharing is caring.
@ Dr Becca: That what every other kind of smart phone is for EXCEPT iPhones, cuz they don't support Flash (damn Apple to hell). I mean, who is supposed to rely solely on pictures in our video-driven world today?!
@ pattypunker: Yea! Someone got my reference :-)
@ meleah: Seriously people... don't keep encouraging her behavior!
@ Vinny C: Son of a... we better get to the bottom of this. Uh huh haha uhaha... I said bottom.
@ Linda: Sounds like your hubby and I would get along!
@ laughingmom: OMG! How'd you know that? Our friends ALWAYS respond that - oohhhhhhh.
@ Kev D: I agree, the world would be nothing but dust in the wind after we got done with it!
My neck hurts and you're making me laugh which makes my neck hurt more. That is all.
Do you mind not playing the drums on your stomach while you drive
Sorry...I think that one was me.
You should NEVER use the clinic porn. Do you know what other people have been doing with that stuff?
@ Erin: Attending this class has a few side effects - like neck pain. Sorry :-(
@ Bearman: Is there any other way to drive? Hell no. Bearman agrees, and that's all the proof I need.
@ Logical Libby: THANK YOU! It's disgusting - I need to know exactly where my porn has been.
As far as the letter goes I have found the immediate response to everything is the sergeant Schultz response
'I know nothing'
You have inspired me to come up with a guide for living by using nothing but Venn Diagrams.
There's something wrong with that Venn diagram. There's something wrong with that Venn diagram! I'm sorry, I don't mean to get all hung up on the Venn diagram; I realize it's just a totally random diagram meant to humorously and none-to-rigorously illustrate the many ways in which school bathrooms fail us! But...there's something wrong with it. I can't put my finger on it; the finger slips - as if from a missing latch.
Okay, I think it's this: the two sections that say "Doesn't latch" and "No toilet paper." For everything outside the set "Has a working latch," we have to be able to assume "Doesn't latch" applies. That's just a consequence of falling outside that set. Just as everything outside the set"Has Toilet Paper" should logically have "No Toilet Paper."
In other words, "Doesn't latch" can't apply just to that small section marked "Doesn't latch" - it applies to everything outside the latch set. The entire circle representing the set "Has Toilet Paper" and the entire circle representing the set "Doesn't smell horrible" do not latch - except for the small portion of each set where there is intersection with "Has a working latch."
The section that says "Smells REALLY bad" of course poses no problem. Even if everything outside the set "Doesn't smell horrible" must therefore smell horrible, we can suppose the "Smells REALLY bad" intersection smells even worse than its horrible-smelling near neighbors. True, one might logically question why the intersection of "Has toilet paper" and "Has a working latch" must necessarily produce a worse smell, but we're talking about restrooms, here. I think we need to make some allowances for Murphy's Law were diagrammatic convention and the sets-as-defined don't specifically exclude the possibility.
All of that is by way of irrelevant aside. I'm interested in cynicism, and I look forward to learning more about it!
@ Greg: Point taken Greg - the professor has become the student. Only momentarily though.
@ Ahmnodt Heare: And that is a guide that I will DEFINITELY read! Welcome to class!
@ dogimo: Holy shit. You're now the official venn diagram consultant for Cynicism 101. Welcome aboard eager student!
Testing...
Yay!! It worked!
Okay, so while this entire post was hilarious, when I read the "fuck machine" comment, I nearly fell off my chair.
And I wasn't even sitting in a chair!
Poor Mrs. C. Did she even know what she had signed up for in the first place? I have a feeling I have the same effect on people, so I won't judge you and just consider myself attractive...
Ava
Mrs. C is a saint. She deserves a medal, I think. You ARE going to give her a medal soon, aren't you?
My favorite is # 3. I laughed out loud :)
picklesinmyass.blogspot.com
Canine Fuck Machine.
Wasn't sure I'd get my daily fix here, but yes..I did.
Thank you.
lmao... "does your dog to any tricks?" "yeah... FUCK MACHINE!"
I hate when bathrooms don't have a latch... I mean, how much does it cost to fix something like that?! Probably not much!
Well, this makes me want to do a similar experiment with my wife.
@ bschooled: Cynicism 101. Making people fall off of imaginary chairs since 2010. Thanks b!
@ Title Loans: Yea, I kinda feel bad for tricking her into this whole marriage thingie.
@ Elizabeth: Okay, okay... she should probably get a medal. Okay, she DEFINITELY deserves a medal. Maybe even a trophy. As an aside, could you come up with a way for me to convince her to do what you did and give up shopping for a year? Okay, maybe that's pushing it...
@ Mrs Pickle: Sadly, it was an honest question.
@ Denny: Seriously?! When have I ever let you down Denny? I can't give you the same fix as your ever-expanding harem, but I try.
@ Justin: Good point! I should try to turn his obsession into something that I can call upon by command! What a great party trick - or way to get unwanted guests to leave!
@ J Bear Savo: Go for it! But beware the consequences...
your wife is my new bestie, by osmosis.
except since we're twins, it's kinda like she's married to me too.
i'm not sure how you feel about that.
but i'm completely fine with it.
seriously though, i'm still laughing about that diagram. it's so EFFING TRUE! women's bathrooms though - TIMES 10!
From what I've gathered, Mr. C, Mrs. C couldn't ask for a more ideal mate.
@ bluntdelivery: I'm not sure how I feel about it either. Wait, ok, I'm completely fine with it too now. And it's a scary, scary notion that women's bathrooms are so much worse than mens. I don't know how you ladies manage it.
@ Emma: Wonderful point. I'm glad you brought that up!
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