Cynicism 101 opens a "whinery"

Booze.  Be it beer, wine, or liquor, it's the lifeblood of any cynic worth their weight in gold.  (Properly speaking, a true cynic would say "worth their weight in shit.")  Anyhow, over my many, many years of experience and experimentation with various libations, I believe I've earned the title of Connoisseur of Hooch.

Wine has never been my poison of choice, but the wine market has seen enormous growth in recent years.  In fact, it's apparent that younger and hipper generations of yuppies are getting involved in vinification, as evidenced by the emergence of fun and unique labels and brand names of wine out there.

Now, if you recall my reaction to the Pottery Barn's "Found" collection, you know I never like to sit idly by as others rake in the money and fame.  Dr. Cynicism wants in on this wine naming cash cow, and he wants in right-the-F now.  So I contacted a few vineyards, and immediately upon recognizing who I was, they pleaded (obviously) for my help in creating brand names for their upcoming releases.  The following are a few varieties that wield Dr. Cynicism's special touch.

NOTE: YOU MAY NEED TO CLICK ON THEM IN ORDER TO SEE THEM MORE CLEARLY, TO GAZE UPON THEIR FULL SPLENDOR AND MAGNIFICENCE.

My friends in Chile let me produce 2 varieties of Chardonnay.  One with a lighter, slightly fruity feel:

And then one that was slightly more dry to the palette:

This vineyard in Napa Valley was eager to promote a strong Cabernet.  So once they heard my pitch for "Shut The Fuck Up" branding, they were hooked.

Although fine wine is sometimes viewed as an upper middle class or wealthy indulgence, I certainly didn't want to exclude our friends that reside in more rural areas of the country.  Hence, I created the following brand for hunting and firearms enthusiasts:

This is all fine and dandy, but my students know that cynics don't play by other people's rules for very long.  It's time for me to create my very own line of Cynicism 101 wines.  The first line is aptly named "The Excuse," and is a delicate red table wine.

The other one in this line has slightly more Merlot in the blend.

Given that "The Excuse" series is rather weak in potency, I also made a much stronger line (boosted to 39% alcohol by volume) called "The Reason."

And lastly: