When the cat's away, Dr. C will play... or wallow in indolence and idiocy.

Imagine for a moment that my life is a runaway dilapidated horse-drawn wagon, with a couple broken wheels, that's vigorously shaking and jolting from side to side as it races down a gravel road spewing a blinding cloud of dust, as sparks from loose and jostling chains ignite wild fires all along the roadside, leaving a wake of terror behind it.  Got it?  Now imagine, and realize, that Mrs. Cynicism is the only driver capable of keeping this wagon on the road and keeping those terrified horses from dying of exhaustion.

Mrs. C is out of town right now.  Given the above metaphor, that's never good news for me, my productivity at work, our dog, our household, or our marriage.  It's also not a stretch to imagine that in some possible way, it may be detrimental to our neighbors, our entire state, the natural environment as a whole, our national economy, and the very freedom of our American society.  It should also be no surprise that there's a strong, linear relationship between the amount of time Mrs. C is gone and the amount of carnage that ensues or the amount of absolute nothingness that gets accomplished in her absence.  On this particular trip, Mrs. C is gone for over a week, so you do the math.

I write the following to both my readers and my wife; I'd like to give all of you a record of my (possibly last) days during this time of despair, in case the world we know comes to a disastrous end.  Below is a sample of one particular day, presented in time-line fashion.

VERY IMPORTANT NOTE TO MRS. C: Please ONLY read the parts that are in black italics from here on.  The rest of it is just uninteresting, blogger-ish, nerdy technical stuff that would clearly bore your immense intelligence my dear.

7:00am 
Sleeping like a fucking baby. Why?  Because I get to sprawl out, covering the entire expanse of our king bed.  It's like my very own throne that rests at the nexus of a shitty reality and a fantasy dreamland where anything goes.  I call it "My Throne of Dreams."

Tossing and turning all night, this morning is no exception.  Why?  I'm burdened with thoughts of missing you and missing your comforting presence my love.

8:30am
Are you kidding?  Didn't you just read what I was doing earlier?  I'M PASSED THE FUCK OUT.

There's no sense in trying to get anymore sleep, the mental anguish of missing you will not dissipate unless I distract myself with work.

10:18am 
God damn dog is whining to go out, guess I should get up.  What time is - SHIT - I overslept.  Wait... I'm not teaching class today, and my grad students have stuff under wraps, so fuck it, I'm not going in.  I could work from home and get a ton accomplished!  Okay Cynical Dog, it's cold out - you have exactly 1 minute to shit boy!

Ah, what a glorious morning outside - I wish you were with me Mrs. C.  Cynical Dog and I were just outside for what seemed like an eternity.  We had a great walk, lots of exercise, and he went potty like a bunch of times.  I also noticed that your favorite flower bed was in disarray so I tidied it up a bit sweetheart.

10:30am

Guess how many bowls of Captain Crunch I can eat before getting sick.  The answer is 4 and a half.  Clear sign that I'm getting older because my college record was 7.  Also, Cynical Dog seems to like the death metal blaring from the living room speakers.  That furry mutt and I have more in common than I thought!

I suppose I should fuel my day with a healthy breakfast, but without you here to sit across from me at the table, almost everything seems pointless.  I'll probably just have a fruit, veggie, and fiber smoothie while quietly reflecting on the upcoming activities of the day.

11:48am

Bored out of my mind, I started placing bets with friends on Facebook about who would win a series of battles between my dog and the Roomba.  Cynical Dog totally won and even managed to flip the Roomba upside down.  Although, detangling his leg hair from the cyborg cleaning machine was overly tedious.

I want you to know that I never take for granted the things that you do around the house.  In order to help out and ease the burden of your return home, I vacuumed today.

12:30pm

Strangely enough, when they fight in the kitchen, the Roomba wins.  Go figure.

I also cleaned the kitchen floors.

1:40pm

Lunch.  And no wife to restrict my dietary intake.  Five Guys, Taco Bell, or that chinese place?  Oooo, what about Five Guys AND the chinese place?!

At lunch, I was soooo hungry for all those organic veggies that we got from our recent farm share.  But I know how much you love eating those, so I'll probably just find something around the house and save our priceless ingredients from mother earth until you get back, then I can make a spectacular vegetarian meal for you my love.

2:30pm

AAAHHHRRRGHGHG!!!  It's like an alien egg was implanted in my stomach, and now it's hatched and is shredding me apart from the inside with razor talons, laser beam eyes, and venomous acid spit.  What the hell was I thinking - a Five Guys burger, lo mein, and then a second trip out to get a chalupa at Taco Bell?!  I'm fucking sweating, shaking, and seeing double.  Googling meat poisoning...

I also cleaned the bathroom.

10:10pm

I finally beat the game God of War 3.  Awesome.  I also wiped the DVR clean by watching all the Judge Judy episodes from the past week - that adds up to a lot more time than you might think.  But who can really put a time constraint on swift, no-nonsense justice, amiright?  And guess what!  It turns out that a friend of mine, also a professor at my university, was also staying home today, so we jumped online to play Call of Duty: Black Ops together.  We PWNed the shit outa some n00bs!

I just got done meeting with a colleague from work.  Ugh, it really drained me mentally, requiring vigorous strategy, coordination, and planning on both our parts.  The good news is that we accomplished what we set out to do, and also have a good idea for how to proceed with our next project.

I will march over there and crush your fucking windpipe, you peon.

11:15pm

Jesus Christ, am I still in my pajamas?! Niiiiice.  Only a moron would change into something different at this point; hell, I'm saving on laundry costs!  I'm awesome.  Also, I killed a spider on the wall ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ROOM with my ninja-like book throwing skills.  I'm double awesome.

After such an arduous day of working from home and thoroughly cleaning the house, I'll reward myself by slipping into my pajamas a bit earlier than usual.  I may even catch up on some reading, from that book you bought and said we could read together!

12:04am

After a few glasses of Scotch, I must have passed out while Googling ways to remove Cheetoh stains from couch fabric.

Before sliding into bed, I spotted my first anniversary gift to you on our wall, the framed piece of glass in which I engraved my wedding vows to you.  I read over them carefully, reflecting upon the ways in which I can better express to you those vows.  And to those same thoughts, I drifted happily asleep Mrs. C.