It's probably a good idea for me to start stockpiling karma points. After all, living a life filled with steaming hatred toward - well, pretty much everyone and everything - has a way of depleting my karma reserves. Hell, I don't even believe in karma, so that's probably not good for karma either. Anyhow, in an effort to "give back," I'm going to occasionally hold a question and answer session on this blog so that I can pass my hard-earned knowledge on to others. I haven't taken questions from people directly, rather these are just questions I've overheard in my daily surroundings, but I'm certain these people are dying to get my opinion on the matter. Right? Right.
QUESTION 1
Setting: My favorite Thai restaurant (the same one that makes people wash their hands with Lysol). A lady in her mid-40s is sitting behind me and asks the waiter the following question.
Question: This is my first time here. What if I order something but don't really like it? What then?
Answer: This is a fabulous question Cindy - may I call you Cindy? There comes a time in each of our lives when we stare down an intimidating "fork in the road," pressured to make decisions that will ultimately change the course of our lives forever. This is clearly one of those times. Although I may not be able to make this decision for you Cindy, I can present you with the following choices.
(1) You pay for the meal, and muscle it down - not really enjoying it.
(2) You pay for the meal, but don't eat it.
(3) You pay for the meal, don't eat it, but order another option on the menu, of which you also pay for.
There you go Cindy. Were you surprised by these options? Did you notice the feature that was similar to each option? The part where you pay for the fucking meal? You weren't trying to pathetically finagle your way out of paying for the meal, were you Cindy? Of course not. You're not 4 years old, right Cindy? You're a goddamn adult? You'd like people not to laugh uncontrollably at you anytime they hear you speak, right Cindy? In the wise words of Aunt Becky, "Shut your whore mouth." Please crawl off into the woods and die away from the rest of us. We could actually make use of your daily oxygen intake.
QUESTION 2
Setting: Every session of every class I've ever taught.
Question: Is this going to be on the exam? Do we have to know this?
Answer: Do me a favor. Call up a future employer and ask them what's going to be on the interview. Ask them what you need to know for the interview - go ahead - do it. After that, just stay inside your dorm room for the remainder of your college career, and tell your parents to keep funneling money into my university so that I can continue getting my fucking paycheck.
Wow! That felt great! Getting to share knowledge and positive advice with others, knowing that I've helped a fellow human being, truly makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Have a great day!
I love it.. I am sure you could write dozens of these - and I hope you do continue them. The world needs to be educated, and you're just the doc to do it.
SD
TheSimpleDude.com
I remember working at the movie theater and people coming out after the movie was over saying they didn't like it and expecting I would give them their money back.
Once, I was in a Thai restaurant with a woman that went on and on about how she ordered the wrong thing and she hoped they didn't expect her to pay for it. I sat there thinking, well you stupid twat, you ordered it. Yet the words wouldn't come out of my mouth.
Some days, I wish I was at an age where I could just say whatever was on my mind and people would chalk it up to me being too senile to know any better.
Yeah, Cindy. "Shut your whore mouth" and pay for your damn meal!
Bearman – If it was one of Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer’s movies, not only did the audience deserve a refund, but you should have paid them for their time.
You're a truly benevolent soul. I'm sure this advice will be put to great use.
By the way, all this is going to be on the quiz, right?
Doc, i've been lost without you.
Maybe it's just a standard among sarcastic, pessimistic people that we don't believe in karma? maybe that is our way of living with ourselves. hah.
yea, the girl at the restaurant needs to suck it up and make a better choice next time.
missed u!
I love this post.
@ Simple Dude: Thanks man! Hopefully I'll continue this from time to time, but I can't promise - because my promises usually just hurt people :-)
@ Bearman: And you proceeded to maul and eat them, right? I assume that's how you got the name "Bearman."
@ Meg: Maybe this is a Thai restaurant phenomenon. But let's just hang on to the exciting future when we're old and crazy and can blurt out anything we want!
@ meleah: I like a student that pays attention in class - thanks meleah. Extra credit.
@ Drake: I hate to say it, but I disagree. People should be charged EXTRA money if they choose to go see one of those things - then we can donate that extra money to some worthy cause. We've got to somehow punish the people that keep those idiots in business.
@ Vinny C: HA!
@ blunt delivery: I've been lost without me too. Thanks for your support in the anti-karma movement.
@ Oilfield Trash: I love your post.
I've sent food back and refused to pay for it more than once. I'm at a restaurant. Making good food is kind of your thing. And yes, I know the difference between not liking what I've chosen and being asked to digest regurgitated llama spittle.
"Shut your whore mouth." Phrase for the day.
Cindy sounds very much like the person who asked me if we serve turkey at Thanksgiving in South Africa... yup actually have been asked this question more than once.
I once returned door handles to Home Depot. I bought 7 knobs (or left the store with 7 in my bag). Paid for six. Returned 7. Asked if I could be refunded for 7.
Sometimes it doesn't hurt to ask. Sometimes it's better to know WHAT is in your bag and WHAT is written on your receipt. Sometimes it's just better to shut up. Doing that now.
Shit. Can I EVER shut up?
ツ my cyber house rules dot com
Obviously not.
Will what Cindy ordered be on the test?
cindy, go to the fucking food court if you want free samples.
"We could actually make use of your daily oxygen intake" - this line made my day.
They're giving out cynical karma points? Is that retroactive? Not too late to invest? Do I need to sign anything? I meant, I'm asking for a "friend".
I love it when you're pissed off!
I remember a passage in the Gospels, when Philip asks a question and Jesus sort of goes off on him like this. My favorite passage.
@ J-Bird: I used to send food back too - until I spent time working in the restaurant business through college. Now I know what they do to food that gets sent back. Anyhow, like you said, there's a big difference between food that's inedible or prepared horribly, and trying something new that you just don't care for.
@ Nubian: It's a damn good phrase, right?! God bless Mommy Wants Vodka.
@ Nikki Rules: HAHA! Thief!
@ laughingmom: Yes, yes it will :-)
@ pattypunker: Well your line about the food court made MY day.
@ Antares Cryptos: Not retroactive, but never too late to start my friend.
@ Fred Miller: I love it when I'm pissed off too! Who needs a low, stable heart rate or blood pressure?! NOT ME!
I've seen that Cindy at many, many parent-child events. Why yes, Cindy, your child does have to show up at practice in order to play in the game that follows. Shitpants.
"Shut your whore mouth." is something I live by every day.
I like this Q&A's. More please!
@ Nicole: Cindy Shitpants! Great name idea!
@ Lola Lakely: It is indeed a life mantra. I'm glad you live by it!
"What then," Cindy? Well, let's see...
First you'll feel a mild tingling--nothing too distressing, just noticeable enough to be distracting. You'll think maybe it's nothing, but after 15 minutes or so it will have escalated into more of an acute burning sensation. All over. You may feel dizziness, usually accompanied by the development of large, irregularly-shaped welts that can range in color from fucsia to a dull taupe. Next comes the vomiting, followed by extreme hypothermia and vivid hallucinations (both visual and auditory). Your entire central nervous system will then launch into full-scale, grand mal seizures, followed only by cardiac failure and, blessedly, death.
Something to drink with that?
My favorite question from students who miss a class: "Did we do anything last time?" No, we saw that you weren't here so we decided to put off the day's activities until you returned.
Do any of the hot vaginal life support units in your class need a tutor?
Again, a friend wants to know.
Love your answers...really I do. I can only think of these some time after I've heard the person look shocked at the asnwer that perhaps no, its not possible to have the asnwer that they really want. Who are these people? Well, as an old friend of mine says while shaking his head in mock dismay...whenever we heard something such as these two scenarios "Some peoples' children, some peoples' children".
Does spelling count?
@ Dr. Becca: DAAAYYYUUUUUM. Someone's out for brownie points today - and she TOTALLY earned them. Nice work Dr. Becca!
@ Brent Wescott: Yea, that one's a shitter of a question. Why do we continue doing this again?
@ Denny: They're not fitting into the new boxes you sent me.
@ Anthea: "Some people's children" should never have been born :-)
@ Sarah P: Noope. Neithar does grammer cuz that shit is uselesss just like spellin.
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