Dr. Cynicism has been insanely busy... pulling-out-hair busy... wanting to annihilate a small village busy... [insert over-the-top metaphor here] busy! So much so that he's having a momentary lapse of good judgment and referring to himself in the third person. Is it too much to ask of the world and my university to just give me a little "me time," so that I can devote some attention to the things that REALLY matter in life - like Cynicism 101?!?! C'MON!
Apparently, the world and my university's answer to that question is a big fat "NO," and instead, I've got an experimental paradigm that just won't fucking work, several sets of data that did work but need to be written up and sent out, undergraduate students that are just lazy-ass entitled pieces of whining shit, graduate students that are breaking all of my expensive lab equipment, a crap-ton of grading to do, and several last minute lectures to throw together for a colleague.
So anyway, I'm great - how are you?! See what I did there? Yup, you just saw me reappraise the situation in order to view it more positively. Don't freak out - it's only a temporary thing in order to keep me from totally losing my shit, I haven't turned all positive on you like Dr. Optimism. Speaking of - our friend Dr. Optimism seems to have pulled a Charlie Sheen and gone off the reservation. I can't confirm all the rumors, and some facts remain shady at this point, but here's the gist: a couple of days after his guest lecture here, he had a full-on mental break and started traveling the world causing trouble and controversy at every step. Warning: the following photos are not for the faint of heart, and include images of indecency and violence.
Other than this startling news, here's what has been occupying my past week or so.
1) On my way to a collaborator's laboratory in our university associated hospital, I passed a bake sale being conducted by nursing students. For no apparent reason, I was overcome with the sadistic urge to destroy the entire bake sale, laying waste to every single item on display - throwing brownies, elbowing tables in half, screaming at scones, sending nursing students running for help - EXACTLY like Bill Burr's stand-up bit about punching muffins. And as soon as that popped into my head, just like him, I burst into uncontrollable laughter. Out loud. For everyone to hear and fear. At that point, an eerie quietness and stillness overtook the hallway. I then walked away delicately as everyone stared.
2) Here's a quick vocabulary lesson for you. You know how a party of all guys is referred to as a sausage fest or sword fight? Well the female equivalent is a "clam bake." I did not come up with this, but unfortunately I can't remember where or who I heard that from (probably a comedian?), so I can't give credit where credit is due. Just do me a favor and try to use that in conversation at some point this weekend, k?
3) On Tuesday, I wasted about 45 minutes of uninterrupted office time trying to contemplate the following conundrum: if the late Hunter S. Thompson was in a death match with Gary Busey, who would win and how? You're welcome.
4) Guess what's awesome? Having a raging headache for two days now. I've practically OD'ed on Advil and Aleve, been drinking a ton of fluids, and exercised like a madman each day. Can a professor get a little help here? What the hell do you people do for your crazy headaches? Please tell me. Please. Tell. Me. I'm about 1 hour away from seeing how far I can drive a flathead screwdriver into my spine, just to see if it would distract me from the headache. I bet I can get about 3 inches.
1. the correct answer is never anything involving the word "sausage."
2. stop stealing my life. i've been so insanely busy (coordinating an annual banquet for my dad's charity) that i too, have had a nonstop headache for about a week. And yesterday, when i published the video i've been working on for about 3 months and my graphics card blew up and there are horizontal lines all over everything - i DID start tearing my hair out by the ever loving roots!
3. i just dropped a 5 lb weight on my toe. now i can't even walk.
I've always called the gaggle of girls a "taco buffet." You're welcome.
You had me at "clam bake".
The only real cure for a headache is a bullet to the brain.
@ blunt delivery: If we're twinsies, then I'm not "stealing your life." We're simply "sharing our life." Deep.
@ Jessica: Officially added to my vocab. Thanks
@ Oilfield Trash: And you had me at "Trash."
@ Drake: WOW. You make me so proud! How does it feel to shoot ahead to the front of the class like that in Cynicism 101? A+++++++++
A two-day headache and you're still on OTC pain meds? You're at a freaking hospital--get a physician to write you a script for vicodin already!
PS- hope you feel better soon.
Hunter would win.
if I have a headache that lasts more than 2 days, I usually have to have my neck cracked. Also, not getting enough caffeine.
mantra plus yantra equals tantra.
ツ my cyber house rules dot com
or to make it easier for you, the professor to understand, I'll turn that into a math equation:
mantra + yantra = tantra
Those pictures made me feel like playing Robot Unicorn Attack!! and the best cure for a headache is in fact a screwdriver, so you're on the right track... or are you? I don't know;)
I also have an awful headache, which I attribute to having decided, SUDDENLY, to quit caffeine cold turkey. If you are like me, and are attempting to quit caffeine, then I suggest you go have a shot of espresso and forget that you ever tried to quit caffeine cold turkey.
Also, fuck bake sales man, for reals.
I think Gary Busey would win. He's just so confusing, it's like a smoke bomb of confusingness. Yes, I just coined the term confusingness on your blog.
A graphic of a unicorn humping a dolphin is the best way to start the weekend, thank you.
You're probably only half way (or less) through your headache - it could go on for weeks. Complain about it to everybody around you until you make their heads hurt - then you'll at least have company. That or eat chocolate and drink coke.
I say you get your hands on some good old electric puha and spend the evening vegging out in front of adult swim while your wife is out of town. Oh wait...how did I know your wife was out of town? hehehe
Dr. C - the only story I can share about headaches is when my grandmother told me to visualize my headache first as a blue triangle, then a purple square, then a red circle, and after having it formed in my 'mind's eye' to tell it to go away and not come back....
::blank stare::
Otherwise, I'd suggest tylenol, water, and a nap.
@ Dr Becca: Good point. Will you write it for me? Just enough to kill a horse, that's all.
@ Geeka: What? I need to buy crack? Is that what you're saying? *just pretend "yes"*
@ Nikki Rules: Ummm, have you been hanging out with Dr. Optimism too long or something? Or, whatever you're on, please send me some. It might do wonders for my headache.
@ MrMonkiman: Robot Unicorn Attack?!?! Holy shit, sign me up!
@ Kev D: Nurses! Get this man a Starbucks Trenta - STAT!
@ Psycgirl: I definitely like confusingness better than confusion - it's got a shitload more style. Thanks for the new vocab word!
@ Laughingmom: What? I need to snort coke and drink chocolate? Is that what you're saying? *just pretend "yes"* (I like that you and Geeka are sending me hidden messages to do drugs)
@ Anonymous (hmmmm): Electric puha? Who on earth taught you that?! I didn't even know that. You never cease to amaze me with your coolness. Adult Swim it is. Oh and for the record, you're the fourth person to suggest me taking drugs. I sense a trend here.
@ Sunshine: Whoa. She's pretty deep. Do I do those visualizations standing on 1 foot or both?
A group of skantily clad teenage girls- Prostitots. I think that one is my favorite.
It seems that while I was on hiatis, every one of my favorites was on hiatis as well. This comforts me.
And I spent a good 45 minutes of my time, thinking about how AMAZING a reality show where Gary Busy and Charlie Sheen live in a house together would be.
Since I was being a smart ass about you not blogging, I figured I should at least take the time to respond.
1) I spent the last two years living in Japan. This earthquake/tsunami/nuclear incident has hit me hard at a personal level. You're probably sick of my posts on Facebook, if you've noticed, they've all been about Japan. Now that most of my friends have evacuated, I've randomly broken down sobbing over the last three days.
2) Thanks to the Urban Dictionary, I now know a group of women is called a Pussy Train. You can always count on Urban Dictionary.
3) Headaches. I usually take Motrin. Multiple Motrin. Someone suggested Vicodin. Love Vicodin, so I don't take it. It would be too easy to feel that damn good all the time. The only screwdriver I would advise using, is the kind you drink.
If I weren't already attached to my avatar, I would totally switch it up for the peeing unicorn.
In order for "the fall", doesn't there have to be a rise first?
Ditto on the post-stress headache. Thought I'd share some useless information.
I think I need therapy ~ I saw the picture of the unicorn and the dolphin and I immediately thought of Denny D.
Excedrin Migraine and as much Gatorade as you can possibly drink.
Is there anything wrong with DelVecchi-oh-ing myself to two of the three unicorn photos posted, above?
Clearly, I didn't. Just wondering what your take would be.
BTW...good call Nubian.
@ Lola Lakely: Flattered you stopped by! And prostitots? THANK YOU. I'll be working that into conversation at least everyday next week :-)
@ Meg: First, our thoughts are with you and thousands of others that endured and are currently enduring that tragedy. Second, the Urban Dictionary sits right next to the real dictionary on my favorites toolbar.
@ Bearman: Oh just do it Bearman! And then give me tons of free "advertising" by saying I inspired you to do it! Hooray! Or you know, don't do any of that and just keep on truckin.
@ Antares: Touche my friend, nice point.
@ Nubian: We need to get you de-Denny-i-fied for a little while. He has a knack for getting in people's heads. Ha huh huh... I said head and Denny in the same sentence. WAIT?! See what I mean?!
@ Denny: I don't judge Denny, especially not you. But coining DelVecchi-oh-ing on my blog made me happy as shit.
Maybe you could try some My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic episodes while taking two Aleve and some Miller Genuine Draft. For the headache.
Popped over from weekend spotlight.
Those photos are totally-super-hilarious
1. I have also burst out into uncontrollable laughter when it's the most inappropriate time.
2. I will definitely work in the term "clam bake" in my daily vocabulary
3. Gary Busey would win - hands down
4. Vodka = cure all for headaches.
@ Mollie: Welcome! Oh, and you totally get extra credit points for creativity: "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic episodes." LOVE. IT.
@ meleah: Vodka and I become mortal enemies in high school. I would like to seek her guidance once again, but we're no longer on speaking terms. *sigh* Thanks for working in clam bake too :-)
A group of gay dudes (not that there is anything wrong with being gay)is called Collective Soul.
sorry i missed all the clam bake fun this weekend, i was super busy getting my muffin punched.
ps: it's great for headaches.
Oh, I forgot to ask...will you be my best man at my wedding, Doc Sin? Don't leave a brother hangin.
That dolphin looks pissed off. Guess getting uni-raped will do that to you.
Dat ass is way too nice to pee standing up!
@ Johnny Utah: Totally added to my vernacular.
@ pattypunker: "i was super busy getting my muffin punched." You win today's "make Doc Cyn spit up his coffee in guffaw" contest!
@ Denny: Although I'd be honored, you CAN'T get married! No woman can cage you Denny! Unless you're marrying a harem or an entire state... then I understand.
@ Opto-Mom: Yea, it called getting unicorned.
@ Fred Miller: You may be on to something there - I'm just surprised Denny didn't mention it first.
Denny needs a C-Box.
Did you OD on Advil?
*trying to appear nonchalant, sauntering into the classroom, 2 hours late, and realizing to great relief that the professor is not here yet*
Or are you busying making some awesome slide show in which you and your shadow battle it out for your students here.
@ Denny DelVecchio: I would have imagined you have every kind of box there is my friend.
@ Absence of Alternatives: The second part, the second part!! Dr. C starring in "Shadow Battle: Evil Will Reign Supreme."
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