Well I'm back - finally. First and foremost, thanks so much to Blunt Delivery for teaching class in my absence - even though we're twinsies, she clearly outshines me in every blogging way. Secondly, thanks so much to my knowledge-hungry students for absorbing all the sage advice Brit had to share.
Usually my travels to research conferences are drunken shit-storms of crazy mundane endeavors that would certainly bore you and are entirely irrelevant to your interests. But not last week - no last week's conference was highly relevant to class. Why? Because it was the 23rd annual meeting of the Scientific Society for Pessimism and Cynicism Research. Now although the society frowns upon the sharing of materials outside of our tight circle, I'm willing to share a small sample (one day) of the meeting program with you in the interest of education. The following is taken directly from last Friday's program schedule:
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| Possibly the Society's newest mascot. |
February 25, 2011
Friday's Pre-Conference Workshops
(1) The Importance of Context in Drinking Alone: Exploration of Techniques Such as Drinking Alone in Your Closet, the Attic, the Basement, or the Shed.
(2) Controlling Your Inner Cynic: When it's Okay To Hit Others.
Friday's Special Interest Luncheons and Roundtables
***Please note that the roundtable leaders didn't think anyone would care about their various topics, so they canceled.
Symposium 1 (8:00-10:00am)
Emerging Trends in Cynical Research
(1) Behavioral and Physiological Evidence for Why the Dark Side Feels So Comfortable.
(2) Disbelief in the Sincerity of Human Motives: Programmatic Research on Why People Are Shit.
(3) Genetic Polymorphisms of Pessimism: They're Eating Away at Your Other Genes.
Refreshment Break (10:00-10:30am)
Cold coffee with no creamer and not enough cups. Also, a few peppermints will be scattered on a table.
Invited Address and Keynote Speaker (10:30-11:30am)
Biological and Neural Substrates for Distrusting Everyone and Everything: Why You Shouldn't Even Trust the Results of This Study.
Lunch (11:30am-1:00pm)
What? You think we're providing you with lunch? HAHAHAhahaha... you must be new here. Fend for yourself jackhole.
Symposium 2 (1:00-3:00pm)
Murphy's Law
(1) Why the Worst Will Always Happen to You: An Uncovered Conspiracy Involving Everyone Else in the World - They're Against You.
(2) When it Rains, it Pours - Giant Buckets of Shit: An fMRI Investigation.
(3) Family and Relatives - They Suck, and Are Likely the Reason for Murphy's Law.
Refreshment Break (3:00-3:30pm)
Some junky snacks that will probably taste like ass and will entirely exclude any vegetarian choices. But vegetarians are typically weaker than carnivores anyhow and couldn't put up much of a fight, so who really cares.
Symposium 3 (3:30-5:30pm)
Making Cynicism Work for You
(1) From Whining to Action: You Could Stop Whining and Do Something About It, But Whatever You Do Probably Won't Help, So Screw It.
(2) When Life Gives You Lemons, You Cut Down the Fucking Lemon Tree.
(3) When a Glass is Half Full, Drink it Until it's Half Empty.
Poster Session I - Ballroom A
Poster Session II - Ballroom B
Controlling your inner cynic? What the bejeweled does that mean? How about I bitch slap the lecturer. What is with this "when it's okay to hit others" politically correct bull shit. What the hell is next, plastic back in the congressional lunch room?
The symposium on Murphy's Law intrigues me. I've been able to formulate similar theories to what was outlined, generally based on personal experience. I'd be interested in comparing our findings.
First, love the new header. Or am I totally disinterested? Crap, I'm failing class, aren't I?
Second, perfect post. Especially "Biological and Neural Substrates for Distrusting Everyone and Everything: Why You Shouldn't Even Trust the Results of This Study." This is the definition of cynicism. Spot on!
I can easily disprove the Murphy's Law symposium - the fact that all of you cynics managed to get to your conference unscathed means the worst didn't happen. In fact, since you're all alive and in reasonably comfortable lives, means the worst didn't happen. I know we're all sarcastic and joking here, but I honestly am beginning (if I haven't subconsciously already felt this way) to dislike cynicism. It drains so much of my energy (not that I'm perfectly content with the world). Even though I love you AND your blog, I honestly felt my happiness just go out the door after reading. :(
Why worry about vegetarian options? Aren't they too rosy for a pessimism seminar?
@ Nubian: Hmmm... I never picked up on that trend. Think we're all learning to adapt, or just going soft??
@ Vinny C: Oh I certainly hope you can attend next year! What a great learning experience it would be!
@ Nicole: First, thanks. And second, agreed - the society is good at what they do.
@ Leila: "I honestly felt my happiness just go out the door after reading" - you're coming around nicely!
@ laughingmom: Good point! They probably don't even come - in fact, I believe the annual Hacky Sack convention is typically held at the same time, so no worried there.
If beer was passed out I could attend this little shindig.
Hmm....sounds like I could have learned a lot from "The importance of context in drinking alone," as I'll drink alone pretty much anywhere.
Can I borrow your notes, Dr C?
How does one get inducted into this society?
OMG! That PUG!! I want I want I want I want I want I want..! I can see myself staring deep in its wizened eyes every day when I come back tired n dejected from work.. and together we shall contemplate the depth of the abyss that mankind has fallen into.. yes.. Then I will put on starched socks on its ears and hand it a light saber and ask him to show me the way.. (High possibility of being high)
@ Doc C ~ Let me rephrase, high five = bitch slap, idiot = bitch slap, so to me it is perfectly okay to hit at all times. I in no way was challenging you, I was criticizing the conference workshop. Thank the heavens we don't get citizenship grades in college... or do we? If that is true then a case of single malt is under your desk labeled "pickling juice".
ooooh ohhh i want to do a roundtable:
Testing Your Trusting: Why it's okay not to trust people who don't drink or don't like dogs.
ps: vegetarians are weaker than carnivores is fucking hilarious.
I didn't even make the refreshment platter because the n00b orientation to poster presentation was at the same time. I vogued like a mfer for all the assholes who walked up just to take a phone pic of my poster though. Smizing!
Ha! "...fMRI investigation". Love it.
23 years and I've never been invited?!? Are they so cynical that they think no one will attend?
@ Oilfield Trash: I sent your suggestion directly to the conference committee. Your wisdom shines.
@ Dr Becca: My notes are now your notes - share a Google Doc?
@ Well this is awkward: Well, being a grad student or PhD is preferred. And then of course, your primary area of study needs to be in cynical or pessimistic research, whether that be biological, psychological, or clinical/medical.
@ Dr Satire: Welcome to class! Sounds like you're on the fast track to a good grade!
@ Nubian: Dr. C GLADLY accepts the "pickling juice!"
@ Patty Punker: I'll go ahead and submit this topic to the committee. I think it could make a terrific symposium theme as well!
@ Hermitage: LOL! Smizing. Is that what we do when assholes are peering over our posters with their critical eyes of hate? I think you're spot on.
@ Antares Cryptos: As for them being so cynical, that's totally a possibility!
Hello... I'm a new student in your class, and not really too cynical yet... :\
Great blog, though.. I have an award for you over at my place.. Hope you accept it.. :) :)
Okay, three things:
1) HA! Because I revere all of these topics I refuse to pick a favorite (though "Biological and Neural Substrates for Distrusting Everyone and Everything: Why You Shouldn't Even Trust the Results of This Study" is definitely in my top five)
2) I can't even say "Scientific Society for Pessimism and Cynicism Research", so I'm pretty sure I would never be invited to this.
3) HA! (Sorry, I just thought it deserved two)
@ pencilgirl: Don't worry, with practice and doing your homeworks, you'll become insanely cynical like the rest of us. And thanks so much for the award!!!
@ bschooled: Your amazingness, Facebooking prowess, and old-album-song-list-renaming skills actually earned you an honorary invitation to the society long ago.
Please have the organizers consider me as a presenter at the next symposium on drinking alone. Nearly all my Shakespeare education has been done while sipping Kentucky bourbon, neat, ALONE! I seriously avoided Shakespeare until I was 30. I have proof! I have a Masters degree in English without a single Shakespeare course. Then I discovered the BBC audio productions of him. Couldn't get enough, thanks to Kenneth Branagh and the distillers in Kentucky. I have a lot to say on the benefits of drinking alone.
Next time I would be more than happy to help you teach "The importance of context in drinking alone" as I am an EXPERT on the subject.
1. it was very nerve wracking being the student teacher for such an intelligent bunch. thank you for trusting their education in my hands, if only but a post.
2. "a few peppermints scattered on the table" bahhahahahaha. they better say Applebees on the wrapper!
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