Every now and again, I receive an email or see some comments that go something like the following: "Hey, I know your blog is called Cynicism 101, but c'mon... do you have to be so cynical and pessimistic all the time?" or "You don't really feel that way, do you? You see the positive side of things too, right?"
First, my name is Dr. Cynicism - so that's clearly my shtick. Also, not everything on here is cynical or depressing, just most of it. But the real reason I do what I do is that there's nothing very glamorous or blogworthy about being happy and positive all the time! And if you disagree, then I'll let my evil twin, Dr. Optimism, take over for today's class. He's going to lay out today's schedule of wonderful activities. You be the judge.
- WELCOME EVERYONE!!! (I'm sending out hugs and kisses to you all through the internets) First of all, today's class isn't called Optimism 101, it's Optimism 201, because everyone already has some goodness and optimism inside of them! Remember, we're all inherently good! So thinking positively shall come naturally to all of us :-)
- We'll start the day (at 4:00 AM, because us optimists get the most out of our day!) by facing a mirror and repeating a few mantras while maintaining a constant smile! Repeat the following for 10 minutes: (1) I will be happy and joyous today, everyone likes me, and I will like everyone right back; (2) I'm going to conquer the day, everything will work out perfectly for me, and all my dreams will come true this very day; (3) I shall commit 5 random acts of kindness; and (4) We're all one with nature and humanity, we share the same waves and energies of goodness and peace!
- After a healthy vegan breakfast of soy nuts and tree bark, we'll get a little exercise playing hacky sack, doing some yoga, and self-hugging from multiple positions.
- After some healthy me-time, we'll bicycle over to our underfunded community center in order to spend the majority of our day with other optimists! Get ready you sillies, because here is where the super-fun begins!!!! :-) :-)
- Obviously, the first group activity is to pass around a bucket of LOLCat pictures and each pick a few to share with the rest of the class. Don't forget, laughter is the language of angels, and giggling is the language of cherubs! <3
- At this point, we'll each take turns sharing stories about our dogs, cats, and birds. There's no need for the stories to be eventful, just a 5 or 10 minute detailing of our pets' everyday activities is just fine :-) Hearing about other peoples' pets is invigorating!
- After pet story time (which is designed to bring us closer to our brethren in the animal kingdom), it's nap time! A quick 20 minute nap on mildew-scented cots is just what the doctor (holistic of course) ordered!!! Make sure to fall asleep to happy thoughts and visions of you fulfilling your life goals :-)
- Lunch time! If you're hungry for salad, then you're in for a treat! Throughout lunch time, we each mentally repeat our morning mantras.
- Time to burn off some of those salad calories - with dramatic arts time!!!!!!! We'll have the opportunity to express our emotions and become little actors and actresses. For today's drama skit, we'll pretend like we're all swimming in a giant pool full of kitten snuggles, human cuddles, and butterfly kisses.
- To round out our artistic and creative energies, we'll then split up in pairs. After stripping naked, we'll paint rainbows on each other, and then stare into each others eyes, uninterrupted, for 10 minutes. Maintain a constant smile (exposing your teeth), while shooting positive thoughts and your happiest memories into the soul of your partner. Occasionally, take the time to harness the optimism and memories that your partner is shooting into you!!! :-) <3
- Time to feed our bodies with an organic snack! You're also welcome to engage in another round of hacky sack if you like!
- We like to end the day by composting, and then prior to cleaning or washing, exchanging group hugs while chanting monk-like vocal expressions. Once everyone has been mentally fed by the powerfully positive vibes of others, we bicycle back home. (-:
- End your evening by conversing with all of the inanimate objects in your home, and talking your plants to sleep. Remember, fill them with happiness, life, and water!!! Hahaha! Get it?!?! Plants need water too! You silly rascals, hehehehe.
[EDIT: SINCE I'M BUSY GETTING DRUNK, I'M LETTING DR. OPTIMISM HANDLE ALL OF THE COMMENTS FOR THIS POST.]
OMG, this makes me want to poke my eyes out.
Sorry. I dropped out of that class. ;)
I'm stuck between the urge to laughing uncontrollably & the urge to throwing up in my mouth. It's the oddest sensation.
The only way this "class" could have been funnier is if it involved punching puppies! OH, and a nap on a mildew-scented cot actually doesn't sound too-too bad to me right now.
WHAT IF we loved today's class ONLY because we recognize the (not so thinly) veiled cynicism and mockery behind every word? In my opinion, I should be TAing this class.
I miss the old one.
Cynical people are happy on the inside. Happy people are only happy on the outside.
you lost me at 4am and soy.
Dr. Optimism,
Sorry that I missed today's class but my alarm clock broke. Then I missed the bus. While I was walking, I found a black cat stuck under a ladder. When I turned to help the cat, my backpack fell off my shoulder and broke a car's side view mirror. I cut myself on the glass and walked to the closest hospital where I am still waiting in the hallway for some stitches.
Maybe next class..or maybe not.
I threw up on the keyboard...twice. Please bring back Dr. Cynicism, please! I need you. And for all those other readers that fart rainbows and sprinkles, to hell with them. They need a little tarnishing themselves! :)
http://texagermanadian.blogspot.com/
Dear Dr. Optimism,
I thought the last frame in the "Life Instructions" picture was a man hanging from a noose at first.
Yours,
Jessica
I know you wrote this as a joke and clearly you're thriving off your sarcasm, but I agree with the people who sent you such queries in the first place. It's not cynicism/pessimism or naivety/optimism. Why can't you be in between? You know, like critical of the world while at the same time not letting any of the negativity take away from your psyche? Then again who am I to preach how you should think! I'm just a brainless teenager who's sick of the cynicism gimmick. I think I should grow up more and develop the propensity to complain and lament rather than take life in a proactive standpoint.
SHIT! This is the day I pick to sleep in? Class started at 4 am? But I spent all last night grooming my unicorn for today's class, I've also spent hours searching the web for cute kitty pictures where they play with pink yarn mysteriously dangling before them AND I baked macrobiology muffins with vegan soy milk and begged all the mothers of miscarried children to donate their unused milk for various womyn's shelters in East LA... Now my boat is sinking from a buckling unicorn and bakery ovens filled with heavy muffins (strange how muffins are 3X heavier then they don't have white flour or sugar!) but now that I've missed out on the class what do I do with all this stuff?
Next time, please send a memo when you start early PLEASE or my natural shield of positive energy will block up my heart chakra and I will be sick for at least 15 days from this pent up energy.
Remember, my throat chakra is now entering the 7th moon. This is NOT the time to overload the heart chakra, the flow has a very fragile flora.
p.s. if you understand any of this shit, then you really and truly are a bit of an optimist. How DARE you call yourself Dr Cyn???
pps. I said "Dr Cyn" because I never remember how to spell it out completetely
ppps. puppies and rainbows, unicorns and glitter make the person a happy soul.
ツ my cyber house rules dot com
OH and by the way, when you pick a shtick, there will always be somebody out there to make you feel bad for your chosen shtick. I like spelling shtick, there's power in 1 vowel and 5 consonants, that my friend is beautiful vowel movement!
I've had one reader assume I was a slut because of some of my raunchy posts. Just keep on sharing the emails you get so we can laugh and feel less alone in the weird shit we get!
I think Dr. Optimism is funny, but I *heart* Dr. Cynicism MUCH more.
What does it say about me that I kind of liked the idea of stripping down naked and doing some body painting on each other?
But the rest of today's curriculum? *Shudder*
It may be the cynic in me but am I the only person who things the "strive to be happy" guy looks like a stick figure hanging himself.
Just saying.
Agreed with Jessica and TWTS (you're not alone!): "Strive to be happy" = universal sign for "Death by hanging."
Dr. Cynicism has put me, Dr. Optimism, in control of comments for this post! How wonderful! I'm sure I'll be able to channel his miraculously warm and comforting vibes to each and every one of you :-)
@ Geeka: Oh you silly! I'm sure you're kidding with your clearly magical sense of humor! Hugs!
@ Chelle: Please come back! I promise we can finger paint anything you'd like next class! Hugs!
@ Vinny C: Speaking of wonderful sensations, try this! Have a friend make a big old smile! Then close your eyes, and take 10 minutes to feel their face and truly connect physically with their facial happiness! Hugs!
@ vickilikesfrogs: I KNEW some of you would thoroughly enjoy that nap! Once some of us at the community center start to become employed, we can afford to get better cots, but until then, we shall enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! Hugs!
@ Well this is awkward: Hmmm... I'm not sure I understand what you're saying. BUT, I bet Dr. C is happily taking TA applications! Hugs!
@ Oilfield Trash: Oh don't miss anything! If you hone in on your optimistic chi, you will see that living in the now and positive future will prevent you from missing anything at all! Hugs!
@ Drake: I believe your last sentence got cut short - I'm sure it was supposed to include "and on the inside too!!!" Don't worry, I'll still give you full credit and an extra hug! Hugs!
@ Andygirl: Oh you're so cute and silly! Tehehehe! I bet you're up at 3:30am you overachiever you! Hugs!
@ laughingmom: Oh my goodness silly! I bet it's just negative energies that have been swirling around other people. You keep that positive thinking hat on, and don't let anything get you down! Hugs!
@ TexaGermaNadian: ZOMGosh - you people are full of the sillies today! What a fantastic sense of humor! Dr. C will be back later this week to enjoy some positive energies! Hugs!
@ Jessica: Uhhhh... well, haha, of course not! He's so happy that a big ol' exclamation mark is hovering over his head! Some scholars in hidden Chinese mountain dwellings believe that this phenomenon is actually possible, given proper alignment of chi meridians. Hugs!
@ Leila: "not letting any of the negativity take away from your psyche?" EXACTLY! Hugs!
@ Nikki Rules: OMGosh Nikki! You may be my star student for the day!!!! (Just kidding, because clearly I wouldn't want to cause division amongst the group by elevating someone's status or work above others - we're all equal in peace and love). HUGS!
@ meleah: Oh thank your little heart for such a wonderful compliment! Hugs!
@ SpudChick: "What does it say about me that I kind of liked the idea of stripping down naked and doing some body painting on each other?" It says you're awesome! If that's the case, then you'll LOVE next week when we strip down, pair up, and play a game of "find the hacky sack!" Hugs!
@ The Whole Thing Stinks: Oh you and Jessica are so funny! See my comment to her above, and behold the magic of optimism! Hugs!
@ Dr. Becca: If you mean "Death of cynicism by hanging positive thoughts all over your body," then yuppers! Count me in too! Hugs!
I still don't like it Doc. I don't like it one bit. I don't like how you pillory your less capable students (sorry I'm a euphemist). I would be a hypocrite if I said I never did it, but it's just... not proactive at all!
I'm a little scared.
Clearly, these optimists do not have jobs. If that were my situation I'd be an optimist, too.
I do like the idea of stripping naked and painting rainbows on each other, though. Wait... I amend that to: I like the idea as long as everyone has a fit body, no B.O. and minimal fuzz.
there is no emoticon for my expression. it is somewhere between appalled, shock, disgust and sorrow. if this professor switch becomes a consistent thing i am going to the dean, this is optimism crap is not why i signed on to pay student loans for the next decade and a half (or more, only through decade one... love decisions of my teenage self!)!
I NEED a sarcasm and mocking emoticon. STAT!
Noticed my HUGS were the only only one in caps. All equal? I think not. Sweet! ;)
of the cluster of comments that come to mind after reading this, i must first say, that your cynicism completes me. please don't quit me.
1. i like the added touch of the rainbow colored smileys. It made it extra special!!
2. can we skinny dip in the pool of hugs?
3. the whole reason i'm getting married is so that i can have a father/daughter dance to butterfly kisses.
4. sorry if someone else already brought up that song, i am on a time crunch here.
5. you are my idol.
6. not my american idol though, cus i'm not a racist.
The next time Dr. Optimism tries to surface beat that MFSOB back down into those deep dark corners. That was the most painful blog to get through today. Opening up the wine and manually sucking out the cork. (take that any way you want to.)
Dr. Optimism here again to address some recent comments! How lovely! Hugs to all!
@ Leila: I think I'm lost. Either I missed a joke somewhere, or you did. But never fear! Thinking positive is here! Hugs!
@ singlegirlie: We don't need jobs you silly goose! We're paid in laughter, angel kisses, LOLCat pics, and double-rainbows! Hugs!
@ JJadziaDax: ZOMGosh! What a spectacular idea! I assume it would be created by organic, biodegradable finger paint? Of course it would :-) Hugs!
@ Antares Cryptos: You silly! If you'd like to contribute to the emoticon, bring along a Bedazzler and some glitter - the fairy dust of optimism! Hooray! Hugs!
@ Nikki Rules: (Sshhhhh!) Hugs!
@ Blunt Delivery: Your lists are always so amazing, cute, and organized! What a joy to read! And I was HOPING someone would appreciate the rainbow colored smileys! No wonder Dr. C always talks about you :-) Hugs!
@ Nubian: Ahahaha! You're a bucket of sillies! Such a sense of humor! You must have been referring to Dr. C in that comment, right? of course! Hugs!
hah! dude. I am NOT a morning person. I do my best work in the middle of the night. hee!
If Dr. Optimism is your sub, I say fire the mofo. It took every ounce (I only have one) of optimism to read the whole thing. You can keep your vegan breakfast too, bring Dr CYnicism (the real one) back!
Maybe we'll all get lucky and the unicorn will gore Dr. Optimism. Let's see him be optimistic after that.
This is my first class. I hope they will all be as uplifting as this.
It Just Got Interesting
I'm a little worried that Dr. Cynicism may be coming back soon, and want to take over his comment section again. Oh well, until then, we'll stay positive! :-) Hugs!
@ andygirl: Well then let's focus on that positive aspect! At least there's a time that you clearly get your BEST work done! Very awesome! Hugs!
@ Alessandra: "It took every ounce (I only have one) of optimism to read the whole thing." So what you're saying is that you were optimistic! Fantastic news! Hugs!
@ dbs: Oh I bet by "gore," you mean fill with unending joy and peace, right? Because that's what I meant! Unicorns are the optimist's centaur! Hugs!
@ Brent Wescott: Oh Brent, I'm so glad that class filled you with passion and raised your spirits. I... umm... well, Dr. Cynicism may not share the same amount of enthusiasm, but he's a great guy nonetheless! Stay cheerful and sprightly. Hugs!
Can I have sex with that unicorn?
No pressure. Let me know when you can.
@ Denny: I only rented her for the day, so no longer is she in my possession. I'll send you the contact info though.
I pretty much got stuck at giggling and cherubs and angels. Do you know what those things actually look like?
Dr. Optimism, methinks you might have some deep-seated issues. Perhaps a visit with the Ghost of Freud is in order.
My Dearest Dr. Optimism,
This is just the most dreamy day ever. Will you marry me?
Yours in kindred spirit,
Mistress Sarcasm
xoxoxo
I'm sooo late to comment because my negative energy had me swathed in a cloud of do-nothing. It took a lot of child's pose to relinquish the gloom, I'll tell you.
Grins and huggles on this uplifting piece of steaming poo.
Ta-ta!
PS--Really loved the smiley face in the other direction at the end of the second-to-last bullet point. It's the little things that matter when you're chasing rainbows and stuffed kittens made of hemp.
No worries. I found a substitute (human) at my office.
I just really enjoyed peeing and then congratulating myself for it. You're the best.
Okay, so it looks like Dr. Optimism is MIA. I'm hearing rumors that the guy had a mental break and is now traveling somewhere overseas. Ha, how Charlie Sheen of him, right? So looks like I have to handle the comments.
@ BarelyKnitTogether: Cherubs are evil looking - like space clowns, except tiny and fat. Total agreement - Dr. O has some issues.
@ Patty Punker: Don't encourage him Patty. More reinforcement just leads to longer hacky sack games and tie-dye stained hands.
@ Nicole: "stuffed kittens" - awesome. I've always loved kitties, sauted with a little garlic and butter, perfect!
@ Denny: Cool; they'll do in a pinch.
@ Sarah P: I still do that on a daily basis, after I'm shitfaced off bad Scotch in order to drown out the anguish and depression of my daily life. Anytime I make it all in the potty, I have a little mental party... and another shot. No, YOU'RE the best!
I take cynical. I only read til the soy nuts part and then skipped to the end. I just woke up I can't handle that much rainbows and sunshine this early in the afternoon.
@ Maasiyat: I'm with ya 100%.
Post a Comment