I've been entirely unproductive today and have accomplished nothing - yet I spent a full day at work going through the usual motions, go figure. I haven't been able to keep my mind focused on anything for longer than 2 minutes today, except for that delicious chocolate cupcake - thank you random person that left cupcakes in the department kitchen (unless you are exacting your revenge on the entire department by poisoning us). Since my thoughts are skipping and racing like Richard Simmons and Lance Armstrong, respectively, I suggest we just go with it. Hang on.
(1) If you're a student, a person that runs a business, someone looking for a job, or anyone over the age of 13, get a professional fucking email address. Although it provides me with immense joy (point 1a below) and the ability to make lightning quick judgments/decisions about you (point 1b below), using a mature or at-the-least less distasteful email address will help people take you more seriously. For example, when I get emails from students, lab/research applicants, or fellow colleagues, and their address is "xXx69AllNightLongxXx@hotmail", "hamsternipples@gmail", "ButterflyKissesRainbowBabiesSunshineYippie@gmail", "i.was.a.stripper.all.through.college@aol", "ThunderShlong9000@gmail", "omgKittenSnuggles4ever@hotmail," I get to do the following things:
(1a) laugh my ass off, then show the rest of my friends so they can laugh their assess off, all in ridicule of you.
(1b) instantly know that you're the thick, sludgy discharge at the bottom of our gene pool and that there's no way I'm answering your question, hiring you, or taking you seriously ever again. I firmly believe email addresses can be used as diagnostic tools for psychological disorders (kinda like how I feel about personalized license plates).
(2) I like this venn diagram:
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| Snagged from xkcd |
(3) You people are awesome. Yes, YOU - my readers. Seriously. I've thoroughly enjoyed several hilarious email exchanges with some of you recently, and have had some great banter in the comment sections of my blog and many of your blogs. You all are funny, enjoyable company, and supportive. Speaking of supportive, thanks for the great tips/advice about my "Blogger vs Wordpress" dilemma. Extra credit points for everyone in attendance today!
(4) Lastly, you know that thing that girls do when they get all emotional and start frantically waving their hands/fingers in front of their face as if to magically dry away the tears? I'm officially naming that maneuver "the reverse miniature facial jazz hands fan."
Awesome post. Some people are nitwits who never should have been allowed to crawl out of the gene pool.
And I like the renaming job you did.
Did we have an awesome email exchange? Probably. I remember getting an email or two from you and I'm awesome so I believe that falls under "Post hoc ergo propter hoc"...speaking of educational crapola.
My email addreses in college were: buttfactor, grimlock, and noshaftallhead. I've grown since then.
"The reverse miniature facial jazz hands fan" = hilarious.
As if email addresses and personalized license plates were not enough, how about the idiotic messages people leave on their answering machines? Do I have to listen to your non existent taste of music for 5 minutes? No, click. And these are the so called professionals....LOve your post as usual.
Really, though, anything to do with jazz hands is like magic.
I'm personally a fan of the John Cena, "You can't see me." hands. They're useful when trying to avoid interaction with my husband and children. They usually start laughing and forget about whatever it is they wanted from me.
@ Oilfield Trash: How DO they get out of the gene pool?!
@ Moooooog35: Your logic is solid - if you were involved, then it was certainly awesome. We should contact the testing agency that makes SATs and enter this as a question.
@ Johnny Utah: "notshaftallhead" seems like a prized possession, how on earth did you give that up?!
@ dbs: So you know what I'm talking about then?
@ Alessandra: So my 16 minute voicemail greeting featuring the music of Zamfir Master of the Pan Flute isn't cool?
@ Nicole: Just as Moog did earlier, you've presented me with impenetrable logic. Well played.
@ Meg: Oh! I'm not familiar with that maneuver, I shall learn it immediately. Sounds like a great tool for my horrendously boring lectures.
Damn someone already has 'hamsternipples'? I was thinking of changing my email address hoping it would get my resume noticed.
So happy to get extra credit... was off gallivanting the month of January so this SOOOO helps my current GPA of 1.9
Is there free food here?
And here I thought you and I had a (hold on while I magically fan the tears away) you and I had a (more fanning, hold on it'll just be a few secs) that you and I had a cool bloggy thing going but (fanning away the tears) we've never had any (faaaaaaanning) email exchanges. *sigh*
I'll get over it. Maybe. You can email me at justbecauseialwaysthoughtiwasthecoolest@hotmail.com And just because YOU mean the world to me, I gave YOU my email I use EXCLUSIVELY for job applications.
p.s. I still haven't been (when will that fanning magic start?) asked for an interview yet, so I am fully available to read that email you want to send me!
ツ my cyber house rules
I missed the WP v. Blogger debate. Personally I like WP better. I will go look for the debate and put on my wrestling leotard. Hike the straps up over my ears and lay a smack down, just as soon as I finish my glass of wine.
Onward. My MIL has an amalgamation of her name and her new husbands name as an email address and it totally pisses me off every time I type it out. Like TEN times a day since she is also my boss.
So I am going to let my leotard straps down because your situation on blogger, with your own name and not self hosting is not what I do.
Good luck!
*puts bravado in back pocket and slinks away*
HAHA wow and I thought my old e-mail address was bad. Seriously? they have the gonads to give TEACHERS explicit (and not to mention, clinically retarded) emails like that?! Oh Jesus I think your blog is going to give me a heart attack one of these days. You have no idea how badly you just exacerbated my apathy towards school. If I don't graduate by June i blame it on you for making me depressed >:P
When I was in my pre-teens I thought it'd be cool to use an obscure song from an obscure "indie, punk-rock" band as my email despite the fact that 1.) I don't like them 2.) I don't even listen to that type of music. Once I turned 16, God gave me a revelation, and through his spoken word, I saw the inanity of my pretentious-ness and thus decided for a change. Now my official e-mail I use for school and job/college applications just has an abbreviated version of my full name. A friend of mine told me I'm "so boring and dry" but I refuse to ascribe anything personal to a professional email.
I like my blog email though.. hehe it's "your.access.granted" That's an affirmation in itself, and I can't help but chuckle when I type it
And I'm sure you're being overly-cynical and cautious in even suspecting someone of wanting to poison everyone in the department. They probably baked cupcakes for a class or a special someone, but rejected the offer. So instead of pigging out on such decadent delights, he/she just left it for the other teachers to feast on! Isn't that explanation so much better?
I'm sorry for the long comments. But I have a feeling (because I'm so astute and all) that it strokes your ego, making me care this much about your posts. You silly blogger you...
Ok I'm done
A student of mine emailed me last week. Her hotmail name was "WetGirl69."
She's officially my new favorite.
I wrote a book on Internet dating ( that only my wife and here single book club friends actually bought). Your advice to kids on getting a real email address was the same advice I gave wannabe lovers
The department kitchen is the dumping ground for all things unwanted in my pantry. Matcha mint green tea bags that taste like grass rolled in cow shit? Gone in three days. Borderline stale doughnuts? Hour and a half. It always goes. No matter what. I think it's law.
Even I've partaken in the weird rainbow cupcakes that show up out of nowhere. I never know who brings them and I always hope they haven't been sitting in the pantry as long as the shit that comes out of mine.
Amused and entertained by the blog and all the comments, thanks.
Fear the wrath of Thunder Shlong!
They say you can’t judge a book by its cover, but those people weren’t around for the Internet. Creating an e-mail address and alias for forums or social networking accounts is a bit like getting a tattoo, you don’t want to end up with something that’s going to be lame in a few years. Current bands you enjoy and recent movie characters are definitely out for starters, you wouldn’t believe how many people I encountered who called themselves Legolas during the Lord of the Rings craze.
@ Nubian: Hmmm... what about HamsterNipplesExcelsior, HampsterNippleFlicks, or RodentPrivates4ever? Just trying to help.
@ Denny: Fine. I'll make some chocolate cupcakes.
@ Nikki Rules: "justbecauseialwaysthoughtiwasthecoolest@hotmail.com And just because YOU mean the world to me, I gave YOU my email I use EXCLUSIVELY for job applications." LOL... you are wise beyond your years. I foresee the job interview requests rolling in!
@ A Vapid Blonde: PLEASE don't put the leotard straps down, hike em back up and bring more wine! Let's get this party started!
@ Leila: Consider my ego stroked. Speaking of stroked, you've visited Denny DelVecchio's site, correct?
@ Didactic Pirate: Hahaha... you would know the sheer joy in these kinds of situations better than anyone. Is this REALLY what we signed up for in becoming professors? sigh... Mine above are clearly made up, but yours is a true gem. You hold on to that one my friend.
@ Bearman: OMG - YOU wrote that book? I totally read that and it was amazing! (I totally didn't, sorry) But yes, I can see how putting the best email address forward would improve the chances of love.
@ Jessica: The first part of your comment scares me. I know it to be absolutely true, but seeing it in writing scares me. So why on earth do we continue to indulge in everyone's mystery crap?
@ Noelle: Happy that you're amused and entertained.
@ Drake: "Fear the wrath of Thunder Shlong!" Put it on a t-shirt, open an Etsy shop, get boat loads of cash. We all win.
No, but I immediately googled that name to double check. Clearly I'm not as astute as I thought I was... why again?
Oh Doctor, if you could see my jazz hands right now after reading your delightful words about all of our comments...
was that a math problem up there? I blocked it out because it looked like one. btw, love the name for the the reverse miniature facial jazz hands fan...need to get that put on a tshirt. It's official when it's on a tshirt
Wait, I'm confused. I'm reading this blog post yet, in it, you say you were unproductive. Kinda paradoxical, don't you think?
Point 1 up there was a veritable Choose-your-own-adventure!! Do you want (a) immense joy, or (b) lightning quick judgments/decisions?! Whichever path you choose, nobody's getting hired.
one of my blog commenter's email address was love2rimu@yahoo.com. not approved.
NoShaftAllHead refers to a tuna can shaped penis that lacks a shaft and is just a giant head. It was a running joke between my friends and I. My buddy's was CountryBlumpkin.
"omgkittensnuggles4ever"???
How did he know?
*Removes fat cat from lap*
@ Leila: Oh you're in for a treat...
@ Kev D: Make sure not to stop until all those alligator tears are dried up friend.
@ Bird shit and baby caca: I read your first sentence as, "was that a METH problem up there?" And I didn't think twice. I joke about Etsy a lot, because putting shit on t-shirts has been an ongoing joke among my friends and I - but I'm gonna totally look into it. IT'S TIME. Oh guess what? STILL love your name.
@ Vinny C: Are you saying that I DID actually accomplish something? Because if so, I'd like to work for you. For some reason, my chair and funding agencies wouldn't view it like that - psh, they're amateurs.
@ Dr Becca: I LOVED those books! I bet you remember getting them from your school's book fair too, amiright?! Anyhow, you have won today's "made me spit up my coffee laughing" award with your snappy retort, "Whichever path you choose, nobody's getting hired." I can imagine phrasing it to a student in my office as, "so basically, no matter where we go from here, you're fucked."
@ pattypunker: Okay, maybe the "made me spit up my coffee laughing" award has to be shared with you too, because that is a gem. Just think, students ACTUALLY email their professors with stuff like that. Ask Didactic, he'll back me.
@ Johnny Utah: Thank you for giving a name to my disorder - I felt so... unlabeled.
@ Antares Cryptos: HA! I'm now thinking that I'd like that to be what gets engraved on my tombstone. Whudduyathink?
LOL. It's never too early to start thinking about your epitaph. Although, at times mine is more succinct: WTF?
craziest email address I ever saw was: chodemonster@gmail.com
Note to self change email address. ishotkennedy@grassymole.com
@ Antares: Agreed. I like yours too.
@ meleah rebeccah: Hey look... I was young and naive about the world, ok?!
@ frigginloon: You were never here - no one saw that - it wasn't on my blog. *shifty eyes*
I wholeheartedly enjoy when I have to email one of my 5th grader's parents and they have a stupid email address. It explains a lot about the student.
@ Jules: Don't you wish the apple just exploded from the tree and fell miles away?
You're hilarious - and I love the schlong email address.
As a graduate of Evelyn Wood, I mistakenly read your last sentence as "...the reverse maniacal facial jazz hands fan." which kinda fits too donchathink?
holy crap the site got gorgeous!
@ boldlymocking: Everyone loves the schlong, amiright? Giggity. And I DO like your misread of the jazz hands fan!
@ JJadziaDax: Thanks! I'm right in the middle of changing everything. I'm sick of HTML code, computers, and the internet right about now.
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