Friday, February 18, 2011

Name change: Pottery Barn

Mrs. C and I are sprucing up the homestead, so we've made a few visits recently to those popular, commercialized, sickly-overpriced yuppie home goods stores like Pottery Barn, Pier One, and Crate & Barrel.  Smartly though, we do our best to purchase items only from the outlets of these stores, which keeps my wallet from getting too thin and the veins in my neck from getting too bulgy.

During our adventures, I came across a particular line of items at Pottery Barn known as the "found" collection.  So, I'm submitting another entry to my "Great Name Change Movement of 2010 and Possibly Even More Years Beyond That" series.  I move to officially rename Pottery Barn to "Holy-shit-you-gotta-be-kidding-me Dumpster Yardsale Landfill Highway-Robbery Money-rapefest Barn."

If you didn't check out the link above, here's a few samples of the items for sale:

Found Watering Can; only $45-60!

Found Rake (no, I'm not making this up); only $99!!!
I know my frugal readers are super excited and these deals are shattering your mind, but change those pants and hang on for more!  Other stores get in on this action too, probably the best of which is Restoration Hardware:

Random Deer Antler; $129 - that's practically free! What a steal!
Handwoven Rope; $99 - that's all?! Give me a thousand of em!
Anyhow, I'm not actually irked about the stores doing this.  I'm just ticked off that I didn't think of it first.  Well you know what?  I'm riding this gravy train too dammit, no matter how late to the party I am.  I live near quaint little villages where overpaid yuppies come to play and throw money around, so why can't I set up shop?!  Here are a few items that I'm certain are going to be my biggest sellers:

Found Organic Yard Decoration/Filler;  $7.99 each, or 10 for $70!

Found Absorption Torpedo (Great for hanging on fireplace mantels or scattering around the bathroom!);  Only $89!

Found All-Purpose Aromatic Paste (Perfect for the bottom of shoes!);  $139 per 6 oz.
 Don't worry, when I'm rich and famous from all this, I won't forget you all.  I'll just act like I don't know you.  Now who's going to front me some start-up money?

35 comments:

  1. I can get you a deer antler for free. I just have to sneak into my ex-in-law's yard and pry one from their dog's mouth.

    Would a deer leg suffice?

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  2. You had me at the fake dog shit.

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  3. Bwahahahaha!!! Can you believe it??? And people are such suckers they'll buy into it!

    My favorite store for this stuff is TJ Maxx, their line of home decor stuff is awesome. In Canada they have their own store exclusively for this shit. It's the best. But I've recently discovered that California has the best Goodwill selection I've ever seen. Rich people donate better stuff!

    Good luck with the redecorating, but if it goes as well as your blog then you'll do fine!

    ツ my cyber house rules

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  4. ooooooohhhh, next year i'm doing an absorbtion torpedo themed christmas tree!

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  5. ahhh...aromatic paste. I used to eat paste. Does it taste the same?

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  6. Priceless! (Unless this post were "found" whereupon I would say it's worth even more than priceless!)

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  7. Absorption torpedo? Wow. I don't think that's the same brand my wife sends me out to the store to buy.

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  8. @ Chelle: Looks like you could open up your own branch - we can settle the royalties another time.

    @ Oilfield Trash: That's "aromatic paste" mister.

    @ Nikki Rules: People apparently buy all kinds of shit - it's time we cash in on that, amiright?

    @ pattypunker: Why wait for christmas?! Just do it now, and be sure to post pics!

    @ Bearman: If you want to taste it, I charge $29 extra, and you must send back photos.

    @ dbs: LOL! Comment of the day - you just totally won it.

    @ Kev D: Of course not! She prolly buys some off-brand wannabe. I sell the real deal! You can tell because it's so expensive.

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  9. I wonder how much I'd get for the brains of the idiots who bought these if I "found" them?

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  10. @ Molly: Fantastic deals is what I assume you mean!

    @ Vinny C: Oooh oh! Can I go with you to "find" them?! Dr. C needs some stress release.

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  11. Dood. Seriously. Beyond ridiculous. I have to say though, that the buyers of these "found" objects are what's really scary. Paying thrice as much as something is worth to LOOK like you just "found it". Sad. So so sad. Hit a flea market once in a while, get the real thing!

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  12. I say stay away from the organic yard filler/decoration...seems a bit cheap for organic if ya ask me. Or at least be sure to get a certificate of organic authenticity

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  13. Those torpedoes are great for nosebleeds. Unlike peas, they come with a string.

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  14. You have all the great ideas hence I am a student, you are the Master. One day before you know it, I will be in control and you my mere puppet.

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  15. We bought the greatest Found Ugly Stained Lampshade at Pottery Barn for $4,683 dollars. Jealous?

    P.S. Have I not been here in a while? I dig the new look. Your banner looks like Classroom of the Damned. Love it.

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  16. I have a set of decorative handwoven ropes near my swimming pool just to make people think I care about water safety! Boy are they in for a big friggin surprise!

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  17. When you do become rich and famous, I will be there to ride your coattails.

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  18. @ allison: That's another idea - buy low (flea market) and sell high (my new shop)!

    @ Absolutely Primed: Yea, I should totally get Whole Foods in on this action, to sponsor some of my products. Would that settle your organic nerves?

    @ Antares: "Unlike peas, they come with a string." HA! Brilliant!

    @ Nubian: Is this mutiny?!

    @ Didactic Pirate: Damn! What a steal! And thanks for noticing the new diggs. "Classroom of the Damned" LOVE. IT.

    @ frigginloon: Drowning humor is always funny!!!

    @ Drake: Thanks Drake. And I WILL have coattails cuz I'm totally gonna wear tux suits like that 24-7 when this rags-to-riches store becomes a hit.

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  19. Your new masthead looks like South Camden High. I knew that I liked you.

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  20. If I achieve one thing in my life, it's going to be putting "absorption torpedo" into widespread usage.

    What I'd really like to know, though, is whether the people who buy this junk are honest about where they got it. If they have someone over who's like, "What a great rake! Wherever did you find something so unique?" does our hero come clean that it was, in fact, mass-produced for a major mail-order company, or are they all, "Jane and I were taking our usual Saturday drive through the Litchfield hills, when we accidentally turned down a narrow, gravel road. Being the adventurous sort we are, we followed it a ways, finding nothing but a dilapidated shack at the end. We almost turned around, but a hunched old man came out, clutching THIS RAKE in his weathered, time-worn hands. Without a word, he secured it in the ski rack, gave us a knowing, toothless grin, and turned back toward the house before we could even open our wallets."

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  21. @ Denny: I teach what I know. As Didactic eloquently named it, it's the "Classroom of the Damned." I feel at home.

    @ Dr. Becca: LOVE. THIS. COMMENT. You win my heart today! And I think these douches totally go with the made-up story.

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  22. Can I please get the GPS coordinates for Dr. Becca's supplier?

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  23. Yes indeed you might be the master...I didnt know i could buy a rake someone found for that much...my neighbors vette ..well lets just say I FOUND IT...selling for a good price...love pottery barn its the only time my wife likes to go to eat afterwards......pottery barn yeah sure...can we hit baskin robbins on the way home...zman sends

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  24. Haha, awesome. Pottery Barn, Crate and Barrel, etc are so ridiculously over priced. I am a big garage sale/estate sale (morbid, I know) fan. And I will furnish my house at a 10th a the price and not feel like my soul was sucked dry by these 'creative, earthy, wholesome' places. Just stumbled across your site, and glad I did. I think I am the happy 100th!
    http://texagermanadian.blogspot.com/

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  25. @ Antares: I know, right?!

    @ Zeus: Wow, a god commenting right here on my lil ol' blog? Hey, as long as the food and ice cream after Pottery Barn was "found," then it's okay to eat.

    @ TexaGermaNadian: They do indeed have soul sucking qualities. And 100?! WOOOOOOT! Thanks!

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  26. I give up on hilarity. You win.

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  27. Holy-shit-you-gotta-be-kidding-me Dumpster Yardsale Landfill Highway-Robbery Money-rapefest Barn.

    Hmm.

    Maybe HSYGBKMDYLHRMR Barn?

    You know how yups like their acronyms.

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  28. @ Sarah P: As the old say-no-to-drugs commercial went, "I learned it by watching you!"

    @ alonewithcats: Damn, I totally should have thought of that. Acronyms are a beautiful touch - great idea :-)

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  29. Unfortunately Dr. they have already beaten you to the Organic Yard Filler http://www.potterybarn.com/products/mixed-leaves-vase-filler/?cm_src=rel

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  30. @ Autumn C: LOL!!! HOOOOLY SHIIIIIT! Please tell me you made that link with photoshop or something?! lol - say it isn't so!

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  31. mm. I think I'll stick to getting these kind of things from the Salvation Army and Goodwill.

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  32. "Holy-shit-you-gotta-be-kidding-me Dumpster Yardsale Landfill Highway-Robbery Money-rapefest Barn."

    Okay, that was fucking hysterical.

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  33. Pottery Barn sucked me in with an overpriced antique brown trunk and lantern combo. Damn them and their ability to sense my weakness for Indianna Jones type decor.

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  34. @ Jenn O: Good call! But why wouldn't you want to pay so much money for them instead?!

    @ meleah: I'll put it on a t-shirt for ya :-)

    @ Lola: I think you should work with execs at Pottery Barn to start the "Indiana Jones" line. Total win.

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