Today, I'm handing over the teaching reins to my twinsie, Brit from Blunt Delivery. This woman has knowledge to share and all of you have ears to listen, so this was a match made in heaven. Also, I've secretly planted a student in the classroom who will report to me any bad behavior in my absence, so no texting during the lecture! Without further ado, I present your guest lecturer for today.
**********************************************************
Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99,
Not to point out the obvious, but you probably should have graduated and been out of here over a decade ago. Secondly, I'd like to extend a big 'thank you' to the Blogmaster for allowing me to lecture his eager students. And might I quickly add that this is a very good-looking and well coordinated class. Did you plan that you conniving little shrews?
Now. I've been thinking long and hard about what I could possibly teach to a group of scholars with such mind-blowing levels of brilliance, whose thirst for knowledge ceases to be quenched. And the short answer is: nothing. And as for the long answer, well, you might deduce from the name Blunt Delivery that lengthy explanations aren't really my cup of organic-white-ginger-mandarin-orange-with acai-berry-herbal-tea. And you'd be right.
So, what do I have to offer you? Why am I even here?
Well, I might spin the tables and ask why you are still here reading this when I haven't even gotten past the introduction yet? Perhaps, then, I should blog about how when you are eating your mashed potatoes at the nursing home, for the hundred and seventy-fifth night in a row, you might regret wasting precious, youthful hours of your life reading blogs that haven't even identified a clear purpose within the first three paragraphs. Just a thought.
Since I cannot even pretend to offer you better advice than that of the late 90's Sunscreen Song by Baz Luhrmann, I figure it best to just stick to what I know. And I think a Ferro Rocher will assist me in deciphering what it is that I know.
I was right. Here's what I know.
(1) Don't try to make yourself famous. People can smell a fame whore from a mile away and it will backfire. Wait, what'd you say? Justin Beiber did that and now he's the most popular person in the whole entire galaxy?
Uh, nevermind. Minor oversight.
(2) Save an hour of your life each day. Here's how: stop watching Entertainment Tonight. Instead, I'll wrap up the next year in celebrity news for you: Charlie Sheen still sucks at life. Lindsay Lohan still keeps accidentally wearing stuff out of stores that she didn't pay for. Elizabeth Taylor is on her 4th open heart surgery and her 35th husband. Lady Gaga still looks like an alien. ABC came out with Scrapbooking With The Stars. Justin Beiber goes through puberty, his mom sues him for his fortune and he becomes the next Danny Bonaduce. World news bonus: every country in the middle east still hates each other.
(3) If you see a kid being beat up and hung by a jacket on a fence post, you should probably do more than just walk by and pretend you don't notice, Jagoff.
(4) If given the choice between anything and Ryan Reynolds, he is always the right answer. Correct answers never include: mayonnaise, Neil Diamond, or M.A.S.H.
(5) Tomorrow, Science will disprove everything that they proved to be true in the last decade. So, for lunch today, go ahead and put a slab of lunchmeat between those white, starchy, refined-sugary, high carb count pieces of bread and thank me later.
Well, since I love a numbered list but only if it ends with a nice even number like, five, I'm gonna have to bounce out of this house. And yes, I know that five is actually an odd number... ugh, don't try to understand the math behind it.
Just want you to live your best life,
Blunt
first to comment on my own post!!!!! i WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
or, i'm a huge loser.
either way...well done, blunt, well done.
i'm a total list dork, too, so i get the math. and i say 3, 5 and 10 are all appropriate numbers for a list.
great guest post!
Great guest post. I loved it. Especially since as a kid I was the one hanging from the fence.
Well that’s a relief; I was so sure our substitute teacher would be a 7 foot tall German shot-put champion with eyes lit from the fires of Hades and skin like lumpy gravy.
"first to comment on my own post!!!!!" Which is ironic since you are usually the last to post on your own blog...bwahahah
You forgot the best piece of advice - GET A JOB and QUIT ACTING LIKE THE WORLD OWES YOU SOMETHING.
I know I prefer Ryan Reynolds on my lunchmeat and white, starchy, refined-sugary, high carb count bread sandwiches.
Way to go. Now he's going to expect Denny's guest blog to be good.
@ blunt delivery: You win indeed!
@ pattypunker: 1) Welcome to the list-lovers club; 2) it's a cool club; 3) don't let anyone tell you it isn't.
@ Oilfield Trash: If it makes you feel any better, I would've gotten you down from the fence back in the day.
@ Drake: Oh she's up next week Drake. Yup, I said "she."
@ Bearman: "QUIT ACTING LIKE THE WORLD OWES YOU SOMETHING." HELL. YES. AWESOME. Are you sure you're not a professor Bearman? Cuz you have what it takes.
@ tattytiara: I'll let Brit handle this one :-)
@ Denny: Ummm, YEA. You're forgetting that whatever you write is good Denny, so it's a win win.
I love science. At one time coffee was going to kill us & now it's an excellent source of antioxidants & hydration.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!! YOU TURNED 100 YEARS OLD.
Here is to many more life lessons, *raises glass of urine sample.*
"Are you sure you're not a professor Bearman? Cuz you have what it takes."
I do have what it takes...except for a degree higher than a bachelors. Can you ask your school to give me an honorary doctorate of BS?
So like Dr. C doesn't use like big words like 'quenched' and 'deduced', but can you like let him know I was in class today? K? TYVM
Speaking of dementia.....
Love the list, Brit from Blunt Delivery. (Too.many.pseudonyms.)
In response, I only have one item to impart
"a good life is a life not led" -Oscar Wilde
oh and I think it's SLIGHTLY weird that you're substantially more verbose than Dr. C despite your trademark of bluntness
(i just reread that and it came off as mean, I'm not trying to be)
Excellent tips. I wish you'd been around to dole these out when I was in school. If you had, that dorky kid on the fence might still be alive...
Doc - can we get some threaded comments up in here with a reply button? bearman, how come you don't harass him about this like you did to me?
Leila - no offense taken! its literally impossible to offend me, no worries. But yes, i was trying to put my best foot forward... and i'm trying to take this class to a new level dangit.
@ Vinny C: God bless science for this very reason.
@ Antares: "raises glass of urine sample" - and I raise the lunch from my stomach.
@ Bearman: Of course, what do you think my degree is in!
@ Nubian: Your attendance was noted. Wait, I don't use big words? What are you saying?
@ Leila: "substantially more verbose"?! You're supposed to suck up to me, not the guest lecturers! So you and Nubian think I'm just a common verbal-thug, huh?
@ singlegirlie: I wish she had been around during my early years too.
@ blunt delivery: Oh dear god, Bearman and now you? Threaded comments would be fantastic, but I can't make any of those pieces of software/code work. They cause little random problems with this particular layout, and they get rid of ALL the blog's prior comments. So if either of you are willing to code the HTML to make it happen, I'd give you like 5 points extra credit :-)
@ Prof C, (This isn't meant to critique Blunt deliv, but is just a general statement) sometimes being succinct is a lot better than being verbose. You're a very good writer Prof, you don't need ass kissing (or more eloquently, adulation)as evidence.
@leila. None taken! Prof and I have two completely different writing styles, with the common denominator being cynicism and an underlying hint of sarcasm, which is why we were separated at birth.
however, it seems that a self proclaimed Sesquipedalian would probably lean towards the more verbose side of things ;)
come on, take my SIDE!!!!!!
I wasn't picking sides. Like I said I wasn't commenting at all on how well you write (i love the way you write). I was just saying as a general statement (detached from my opinion of you and other very verbose writers<3) more isn't always better. It really depends on the personality.
oh i know i know. i was just giving you a hard time, that's kinda what i do.
i was just trying to reel you in to at least FAKE taking a side. Just so Doc would get all flustered and what not.
You have covered all the questions plaguing me and I can now save that hour. Thanks for all the good advice.
Oh well if there's one thing I can't do, it's be sarcastic
You guys have Scrapbooking With The Stars???
It's times like this when I hate being foreign.
ps. Doc may be my Deity, but Blunty is my buddha.
@ Granny Annie: She's damn good, right?!
@ bschooled: "Doc may be my Deity, but Blunty is my buddha." I am now overwhelmed with emotion. I will place this mantra on my mantel.
Denny's a win-win-win.
Post a Comment