The art of cussing

Let's face it people - swearing and cussing isn't what it used to be.  Its overabundance and over-usage in our society has rendered it mundane, and worst of all, ineffective.  We've become desensitized to it, plain and simple.  Well, not that simple.  I argue that we've become desensitized only to "traditional" cursing: shit, fuck, damn, ass, etc.  I mean hell, elementary school students throw these words around just as much as all the drugs they're doing nowadays.  So what to do?

I'll tell you what we should do - because it's my blog and I'm the only one writing this right now.  WE CREATE A NEW BREED OF CURSE WORDS.  We inject our banal day-to-day vocab with a shot of adrenaline.  And what better place to engage in such awe inspiring creativity than right here in Cynicism 101.  And I'll do you one better; we're going to take a highly educated perspective in our little adventure.  Yup, scientifically engineered cussing.

So first, we need to establish purpose.  Why do we curse?  I'm sure we all have various reasons, buy my money is best wagered on the following: (1) to vent emotion and/or pain, (2) to display anger or rage at others, (3) to draw attention or make a point, and (4) just for fun!

Now we need to establish technique.  I've been conducting in-depth personal research on cursing and throwing verbal tantrums for many, many years now.  This arduous ongoing research has led me to several possible conclusions for effective cussing: (1) use combinations of multiple words, (2) traditional curse words (shit, fuck, damn, ass, etc.) can be speckled within these combinations; think of them as the foundation for which you build your house of cussing, (3) randomness is essential; it adds an element of surprise and confusion to your verbal fury, which stuns opponents and targets of your onslaught, (4) be mindful of the timing and context within which you curse; this is something that comes in time after months and years of practice, and (5) make sure to put your own creative spin on cursing; think of it as adding your signature to the word-hate you spew forth.

Okay, time for some examples.  A good professor doesn't just lead, he/she leads by example.  I primarily use two forms of cussing: (1) short phrases or compound words that are used as outright anger shouts, or used for following the opener, "YOU....", and (2) long phrases or sentences that I scream at people, typically after they've done something incredibly stupid or have angered me.

Short Phrase Examples:
Fuckballs McFizzle-Tits
Shit-ass cocklizard
Thundershits
Shit-ridden nun-fucker
Twinkie-dicked bean-penis
Raging yeast-shitter
Taint spanker
Saucer-nippled McDoogen-fister
Bastard-lips McStreusel-cunt
Vagina crap-jam

Sentence Examples:
I'll punch your mouth hole with my loin thunder.
I'll march all up in your vag-sauce with my vengeance, bitch. (one for the guys)
I'll slap your cock with your ex-wife's new husband. (and one for the ladies)
I will pummel your soul until you birth a litter of pain babies.

So keep in mind, these are simply examples of my own.  Remember rule #5, to put your own spin on things - make the cussing unique to oneself.  Notice the trends that form my unique signature: I tend to fancy 4 to 5 word combos, I like to include the prefix "Mc", my sentences usually involve me doing something extraordinary to someone else, and I also like to include the words "thunder" and "loin."  Practice makes perfect, and you'll develop a unique style in good time.

Lastly, something quite related to hate-speak that frequently involves cussing is the comeback... the snappy retort.  Although the above rule set can do no harm in this context, I've found that in the case of comebacks and retorts, sometimes simplicity can be your best friend.  I tend to stick to a very basic approach.  My particular method is to revert way back to the most simplistic, low brow techniques possible.  The true beauty of this approach is to use something ridiculously immature and basic (ex: your face!) in a situation that calls for the exact opposite; it works because it's unexpected, confusing, and funny.  For instance, when was the last time you heard something like the following in a business/faculty/professional meeting: 

"Well Dr. C, I'm sorry, but I think we should pursue a better option."
"Your FACE should pursue a better option."

"Your face" is my personal favorite lately - this retort is definitely making a fashionable comeback, it's soooo 2011.  My nieces and nephews have perfected the face comeback.  So much so, that they have stripped it of all unnecessary drivel and now simply lash out with "your face."  Example:

"Hey Nephew, please don't do that."
"Your face."

Ha!  It's quite genius honestly.  After sitting through last year's Thanksgiving dinner listening to this, I'm convinced those kids are wise beyond their years.  As a side note, I didn't earn any points with the adults considering that I was the only adult at the table laughing my ass off after each "face" joke.  And what else was I supposed to say to my brother-in-law when he told me that "you're only encouraging their inappropriate behavior Dr. C."  Of course, I was obligated to reply, "your FACE is encouraging their inappropriate behavior."