This blog isn't that old, so it sucks that I'm already starting posts by apologizing for slacking off and not making posts. But I have to say, these past 2 weeks have been a giant bowl of shit salad: I'm overworked, dealing with full-on crazy in the laboratory, and rude-as-hell sub-human students in my class.
But rather than rant and rave all mean-like, I'd rather strap on a positive attitude and reflect upon some things that I find truly awesome! I realize that the "awesome things" shtick is technically covered by another blog, but c'mon - they can't have all the fun. Also, discerning readers may soon recognize that I have a slightly different take on awesome things.
1. People in my town that drive yellow hummers - they're awesome! You may recall my last experience with a yellow hummer; here's another one! Yes, another one! Someone did superbly on their parallel parking test and/or assholery exam!
2. When my students lie to my face - that's totally awesome! A student pridefully struts to the front of the room after class; here's the verbatim conversation: "I need to sign the attendance roster." "Well, unfortunately, you're not allowed to sign it because you came in very late. I'm sure you're well aware of that rule because it's in your syllabus." "Um... no, I didn't come in late. I've been here all of class." "Umm... no. I WATCHED you walk in and sit down 25 minutes after class started." "No, I was here the whole time, why can't I just sign the roster?" "I'm not repeating myself." "I didn't come in late." "Yes, you did - did you hear the part about me SEEING YOU?!" "Whatever... I didn't come in late." I thoroughly enjoyed having that conversation; it was super awesome!
3. When people tell me, "ZOMG! It's almost November and you're wearing shorts today... hellooooo... what's like wrong with you?? Hahahahahaha." That's fabulously awesome! Now some people are absolute schmucks (like me) and dress for the fucking weather - like when it's 80 at the end of October. But not these awesome people, they dress for the fashion season! So if the end of the world is near, and it happens to become 103 degrees at the end of January, they'll be easy to spot in their lavish pea coats and parkas! Rock on awesome people!
4. Women with fake boobs - they're frickin awesome! Simply because I get to say, "You're made of LIES!"
5. People that give me driving directions after I've told them 7 times in the same conversation that I have a GPS - they're uber awesome! Thanks so much for drawing me a map, and telling me to make the 3rd left after the 8th right, but only after I pass the gray house with the red shed, which looks totally out of place in a commercial zoned area because there's a Dairy Queen right next to it - how crazy, right? Listening to all that is ridiculously awesome!
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| Comic from xkcd; click me! |
6. Lastly, not being able to get pregnant - my wife and I find that to be so awesomely awesome that it's beyond the English language's selection of possible adjectives awesome!
Please come to class next time for more refreshing, positive, and uplifting perspectives on these miraculous days of our lives!
"Full on crazy in the lab" - Story of my Life! :)
"Rude-as-hell sub-human students" made my day. "But, why can't I?" *head slap*
#4 made me chuckle - because a padded bra isn't extreme enough, let's add implants, heels, body smoothers, and make-up just so you have no idea what I *actually* look like...
#5: "This would be easier if you weren't about to ask me to repeat it all back to you."
Hope you're back to good soon!
1. a hummer is a friggin war tool, if you drive it down the street then YOU'RE the tool!
2. a student? lying to a prof? really? shocking!
3. it snowed here today, i wore a winter coat, but girls i crossed everywhere were in flip flops. flip flops and they looked at me all weird because my wool socks were showing...
4. wow, thank god i never ever got one of those jobs or i'd suddenly be very very ashamed of myself here... (don't talk about my nose though, that was for health reasons ok?)
5. if you want after reading my comment you can fill in the box under "post a comment" then select which account you want to do that under, then if you're unsure of what you wrote you can hit the preview button or if you're a daring kind of guy you can go directly to the post comment button
6. getting pregnant is so over-rated, i got pregnant 3 times, ask me how many kids i have - none. i still cry over the miscarriages yet i get to travel all over the world with no notice and no worries... (but i still cry sometimes even when i'm in australia...) hey, maybe if you guys go to australia you can get pregnant, like the water spins backwards so maybe the sperm will spin backwards and find it's way better? doesn't hurt to try!
7. will you block me from commenting now?
I could be way off base here, but when I read between the lines, I'm not absolutely completely convinced that you actually do think these things are awesome. It's subtle, though.
I think you should make this a weekly series, Professor.
The yellow hummer one made me laugh out loud. Who doesn't love a good yellow hummer?
And don't get me started on the students and their awesome lies. I had a student the other day tell me she couldn't write her essay because she had "a lot going on." Sure enough, she brought a note from her mother (yes, from her mother!) that said "Please excuse [AWESOME STUDENT] from the essay because we have a lot going on right now." You have to love that. Have you had any parent notes? I thought that stopped in 4th grade.
As for the pregnancy thing, people always say it happens when you're not trying. So maybe you and your wife could pretend like you're not into each other and then it'll happen? Just a thought. I really am hoping for the best on this one. It'll happen.
"Made of lies" is my favorite ever. What I'm going to do is I'm gonna forget I read that here, then I will use it as if it's my own. Good? Yes, blog thiefs are awesome.
Also awesome is revealing your ignorance of basic rules of the English language (such as plural nouns) in another blogger's comments section.
Let it out, girl. I'm sorry about the shit salad. It doesn't sound very tasty, even with a good balsamic. But I love a man who'll strap one on. Even if it's an attitude. Maybe it can help with the pregnancy?
@Vodka - right on about the Hummers. I bet there were a lot of good yellow hummers at that giant orgy you last blogged about. Dohh!
Something you might not know Doc, fake boobs and botox can be seen from the moon!
Oh yeah! We're totally feeling that # 6 awesomeness over here... Even though, I'm starting to believe that she's given up & she figures this the best way to kill me as humanely as possible... she's wrong...
Most of these problems could be solved with your laser eyes of death. And maybe some K-Y Jelly. But mostly the laser eyes of death.
I've had many of the same thoughts you mentioned in this post. And I hope #6 gets better.
Just because you have a GPS doesn't make it right. I have a GPS too and about 20% of the time, it takes me the most out of the way route that I wish someone gave me directions.
You know what else I love....blogger. Then I get to hit post comment 3 times for it to actually take.
I wanted to comment by leaving one word AWESOME! and run away. However, I saw #6 and I couldn't be cynical about it... I will find out what kind of herbs may help and report back. (I vaguely recall something about Tiger Dong but of course that's totally illegal now...)
Shit salad indeed.. you're doing a good job working your way through it.. who knew a blog could be such therapy. personally... no real problem with fake boobs though. I know, I know... not the feminist thing to say, but what the hell. i'm just a simple dude.
SD
simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com
HAHAHA my step-dad drives a yellow hummer. It's a never ending source of humiliation when I fly in to visit them and he's there to meet me, Cher blasting on the speakers...
#3.
THANK YOU!!!!
However, I love it in March (when people think it's actually summer) and see them walking the city streets in tank tops, shorts, and flip-flops, when it's 25 degrees outside....
AND THEY'RE COMPLAINING THAT IT'S COLD!!!!
Holy mother of god! What a fast set of comments - I love you guys/gals! Okay, here goes. *breathes deeply, cracks knuckles*
@ Pharm Sci Grad: "head slap" is PRECISELY what I dream of doing one day. For now though (aka: pre-tenure), I'll just let it run through my head like one of those quick dreamstate moments from Scrubs or Family Guy.
@ Miss Nikki: I love your #5 retort. I followed the directions to the T. Thank you.
@ Didactic Pirate: You have a masterful grasp upon detecting the subtleties of sarcasm my friend. As hard as I tried to hide it, I suspected it would never get past you.
@ Vodka: You're a teacher too?!?! Sweeeeet! We'll need to swap stories some time soon. What grade level do you teach? Regardless, it sounds like they dish out the same quantities of shit.
@ Steam Me Up, Kid: Terrific! I'm honored to be stolen from by you :-) And 1 trick that works for me when I make a mistake is to simply blame Blogger... works like a charm.
@ singlegirlie: Meh, shit salad happen from time to time. Best to just hunker down and drink it away. Oh and the "strap on" comment? Not even attempting a response - too dangerous :-)
@ frigginloon: I double checked this on Wikipedia - and you are absolutely correct. Thank you kindly for the knowledge tidbit.
@ Vinny C: Hmmmm... now I'm paranoid. Shhhh! Speak no more of this! *shifty eyes*
@ Drake: Laser eyes of death FTW! Oh and KY has been banned from the house - it has a tendency to cause problems with sperm (I know, it's sad that I now know these things). The proper and much more expensive thing to use is called Preseed! Love the marketing wizards that coin these phrases, amiright?!?!
@ Czarina: Thanks! You have yellow hummer problems too? How rampant is this societal affliction?!
@ Bearman: I know, Blogger sucks. I've come to realize that. I've gone back and forth about making a move to Wordpress, but I'm scared that lots of stuff will get messed up.
@ Absence of Alternatives: I appreciate the consideration. But Tiger Dong didn't help, we followed the instructions exactly, and all that happened was a vicious mauling, 2 of my shirts got ruined, and my wife now has frequent animal-related nightmares.
@ Simple Dude: I have to agree, the blogging helps. Being able to rant makes me feel like I've in some way "done something" about it. So clearly I'm a little delusional, but I'm okay with that.
@ nova: I can only imagine what it would be like to see a giant yellow oil rig flying down the highway blaring Cher. Thank you so much for an excellent mental image today!
@ Ron: Yea, the sympathy goes out the window when people are inappropriately dressed and bitching about it!
Whew! *shaking hands and wrists; wiping sweat from brow*
I have nothing ~ but I am in class does that count?
(btw ask Vinnie C I am the coolest Mom eva' ~ just reserved the Collectors Edition of Cataclysm for my son... that alone should give me a 4.0)
All I heard was a whole lotta "Fuck You's"..Don't cha just love those days or perhaps weeks..Go to dinner (skip the "shit salad") and a movie this weekend and put the whole FU world thing to rest.
@ Nubian: Yup, that counts in my book. And um, you ARE the coolest mom ever! Parents that support a WoW habit? Unheard of! I haven't logged in for a couple months now, primarily cuz I'm extremely busy and there really isn't anything to do in-game right now until the expansion. But I will be there to roll my brand new Worgen, muwhahaha!
@ hisqueen: I'll accept that prescription gladly. I totally agree, the whole "mad at the world thing" is so cliched and overdone.
To annoy or not to annoy...
Honesty goes a long way.
Ahhh rude-as-hell sub-human students, got quite a few of those. I tell them the only mistake their parents made was to combine the 23 genes of their sex cells.
I love # 4, specially since I found out that a little weight lifting can do wonders for one's breast size, and it's a heck of a lot cheaper.
You know what else is freaking awesome? when administrators tell you that the multiple visits you get from all of them on a weekly basis are good. And if you ask why or how do they know that, they just tell you 'because they are'...love that logic.
@ Sabrina: Perhaps it's because I just woke up, but that went over my head.
@ Alessandra: You say that to their face?! I love you! And I forgot all about administrators in my list - they deserve their own!
"@ Absence of Alternatives: I appreciate the consideration. But Tiger Dong didn't help, we followed the instructions exactly, and all that happened was a vicious mauling, 2 of my shirts got ruined, and my wife now has frequent animal-related nightmares"
This is hi-larious. I might try Tiger Dong. Is it wrong that I just like the name?
I knew a guy at work who wanted to get a yellow hummer.
Denny politely suggested that he instead just get the penis extension done.
That advice saved him $12,000 and gained him some dignity.
@ Vodka: I'm getting comments on my responses?! Slap my Tiger Dong and call me honored! But yea, Tiger Dong is just amazing to say. I'm eagerly trying to work it into one of my upcoming lectures.
@ Denny: See, look at you! You're practically a super hero by saving all these people time, money, and dignity. I'll start making you a cape.
"You're made of LIES" - I'm totally using that this weekend and you can't stop me.
I'm sorry to hear about you and your wife dealing with that. *sending positive vibes to you for that*
In other news - it's the weekend and that actually IS awesome.
P.S. How do you not slap the turds out of your students?!?!? I could never be a teacher.. I'd be in jail.
@ Kelly: You are free to use the phrase - Dr. C will write you a note. Second, thanks for the positive vibes - I'm rolling around in them in my living room, and yes I'm aware that sounds a bit creepy. Last, who says you can't slap em around?! Amiright?! No, I'm not right at all about that.
This post is the opposite of your definition of awesome.
And having taken a magical trip down infertility lane...I know what you're going through. 'nuff said.
@ justaskrod: Sorry to hear friend... I guess all we can do is just hang in there.
I have an acquaintance that drives a Hummer. She also doesn't wear a seatbelt, insisting that she's "safer" in her Hummer.
Ha ha ha! I will not be visiting her in the hospital when the time comes...
Pearl
@ Pearl: What a friend! LOL jk. Just try to convince her not to park at the hospital like the guy/gal in the pic.
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