What a grading scale SHOULD look like

Most colleges and schools have a typical A-F grading scale.  And most colleges/schools have brief descriptions that accompany the various grades on those scales, just in case there are any students out there that still don't know the fucking difference between an A and a D for instance.  Here's the rundown at my real-life university:  A = Superior Work, A-, B+, B = Good Work, B-, C+, C = Satisfactory Work, C-, D+, D = Minimum Passing Work, F = Failing Work.  Outside of that, there are a few random codes like I = Incomplete or Q = Academic Dishonesty.

This is not an effective system.  My argument is that this terminology doesn't adequately address the current undergraduate student mindset these days, nor do today's students really understand what any of that stuff means.  So I made up my own grading scale.  I'd LOVE to actually print this on one of my syllabi and hand it out at the beginning of a semester.  But losing my job at this point doesn't really sound fun.  Anyhow, my grading system, as opposed to the current one, is a unicorn wearing a Bedazzled turquoise vest swimming around in a lake of awesome and should be adapted by all universities everywhere frickin immediately.

A = Thank you 
No honestly, thank you for actually doing what you were supposed to do.  You clearly read some of the texts/articles/papers and did nearly all of your work, and did it well.  You were probably the student that actually used a computer to type out assignments rather than just vomiting on a piece of paper and turning it in.  Also, I bet I could recognize you in class because you actually attended class each day, and likely raised your hand to contribute to conversation, ask questions, and show me that not everyone in my class has died.  So thank you; I enjoyed being able to teach you what I know and what our field has to offer you.  And thank you for teaching me a thing or two along the way as well.  You're the reason why I keep doing what I'm doing.

B = Not bad at all 
Well, the "A" kids have you slightly beat, but you did quite well.  I bet you read a good portion of the texts, showed up for most classes, and did a majority of the assignments.  Kudos.  Thanks for paying attention in class and making an effort.  That's worth repeating - you made an effort, and for most professors, that's the most we could hope for or want in a student.  Hell, maybe your B is my fault too... maybe I didn't try hard enough to deliver knowledge to you in every possible method/way that I could.  B students make up a large majority of the class, and I always wonder if harder work on both your or my part could have moved some of you to the "A" (Thank You) bracket.  So in that way, you are also the reason I keep doing what I'm doing.

C = Meh
Meh, I don't really possess any positive or negative feelings or thoughts about you... you're just... there.  Average.  Meh.  Some students would hate this label, others welcome it.  It's all a matter of perspective I suppose.  So there you sit, right at the top of the bell curve, yet somehow remaining under the radar.

D = Dick.  You're not the worst student in the class, but lets be honest, you're kind of a dick.  You argued about class activities that you didn't like, but never even turned in the ones you didn't fuss about?  On the rare days you showed up, my class was clearly interrupting your bustling texting, Tweeting, and Facebooking on your phone that's loud as fuck, and for that I apologize - how rude of me.  You likely came running to me after final grades were posted to ask, "ZOMG... I like can't believe I like got this grade! Isn't there like anything I can like do to make a better grade?"  To which I typically respond, "That's what happens when you never look at your grades.  At this point, you're your best bet is to swing by the physics department to check their progress on time travel, because you're screwed."

F = F.U.  (Yea, you probably saw that one coming)  Seriously though, fuck you.  Why did you even enroll?  Why didn't you drop the class when you knew you were failing?  I'm genuinely perplexed.  You didn't try, you didn't care, and more than likely, you were even rude about it.  How am I supposed to empathize with you?  Didn't see you in class, didn't see you in office hours, didn't see any of your assignments.  Do you even exist?  My fuckin Wheaten Terrier did better on the final exam than you, and all he did was take a shit on a Scantron form.

Q = You're worthless.  You're not even worth a lengthy explanation.  I hope fate wrecks you and makes you're life an experiment in human despair, failure, and endless shitty relationships with really ugly people.  See you on Maury or Springer.


[SIDE NOTE: I'm out of town and won't be back until the beginning of next week.  Hence, my response to comments and overall blog attendance will be lacking - but I'll try to sneak some time in here and there.  Maybe next time I'm away, I'll arrange a substitute teacher or guest lecturer]