Do you really want to know what Cynicism 101 can do for you? Would you like to see some of the actual, 186% hardcore ball-busting, super secret things that taking this course can bring to you? I thought so. Feast your eyes on just a few examples (either witnessed first-hand by me or reported to me by previous students via actual video footage):
1) Cynicism 101 will make you better than Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme, because both of them failed Cynicism 101. Logically, this means that students in my class will eventually gain the ability to beat them in a death match. However, Steven Seagal made an A+ in this course, so you should still watch out for Steven.
2) Cynicism 101 can turn all the bad experiences in your life into an 80's music montage.
3) Cynicism 101 will definitely add the Cocker to your Spaniel.
4) Cynicism 101 has been known to burp and feed your yet-to-be-conceived baby. Don't even begin attempting to figure this out. Just accept it.
5) Cynicism 101 will bequeath you the ability to grow a perfectly groomed no-maintenance-required handlebar mustache, anywhere on your body. Simply think about it, and it will happen. This is the power of Cynicism 101.
6) Cynicism 101 will be your mid-wife while your mouth gives birth to an 8 lb. 9 oz. laugh baby. (Naturally birthed, no meds - graduates of my course don't need pain meds)
7) Cynicism 101 showers you in buckets of win. This in turn will instill you with amazing comedic retorts to fire back at all the moronic, shit-for-brains, arrogant, asshole losers that pollute our environments on a day to day basis.
8) Cynicism 101 has given some students the ability to secretly inject vegans with complete proteins (containing all 9 of the essential amino acid chains) from distances of up to 62 yards using only their mind and/or genitals.
9) Graduates of my course are also likely to win an uber spectacular blog badge award that I will one day in the near future create (it's also OK to bribe your professor with super cool blog badge awards that you created too... *wink wink*).
10) Most importantly, if you don't do well in this course, the terrorists will win.
That is all for today. Please do your part to encourage other students to enroll in the course.
I have been in desperate need of Cynicism 101 for many years. I sometimes show flashes of Cynic brilliance but those moments are all too often followed by periods of blind acceptance and naivety.
SD
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/
Girl, you need a montage.
Even Rocky had a montage.
I would like to believe that your course could do all of that for people, but i'm a bit of a cynic.
I almost choked on my laugh baby while reading this. haha.
This sounds more promising than my trial run at Warrior University.
Oh right, the badges. Err; I bestow upon you the prestigious Drake’s Dudemeister award which I totally didn't just make up right now.
I am like I don't believe you because like I uhm don't really get this uh class, but I need the credits so is there like a cliff note version? I will be at Starbucks, sooo need my venti-mocha-caramel-latte-no-whip-no-foam-skinny-ass-bitch-coffee, took me an hour to get my snooki-pouf hair and my roomie used the last of my aqua-net, beatch.
*snort*..Kev thinks your a girl..
I already passed your course..I gave birth in 20mins minus any meds thus almost dying (not because of no meds, cuz of complications while in a hospital with an idiot for a Dr.)
So..i'm not getting preggers now because your busy burbing her? nice..send her back.
wait...are you a girl..if so back to P90X you big wuss!!!every girl should be able to kick ass at it.
Before I enrolled in Cynicism 101, I was simply a Didactic Cabin Boy. Now I am a Didactic PIRATE. And I owe it all to Cynicism 101.
Sign up today!
@ Simpledude: Yea, the periods of blind acceptance and naivety tend to compound with bursts of apathy and don't-give-a-shitness. It happens, but this course is what you need to charge through!
@ Kev: Psst... Dr. Cynicism is 100% man. But maybe I can't even convince you at this point, since you're already such a cynic :-(
@ Red Cynic: This course can teach you to do self Heimlich maneuvers by going back in time and not choking in the first place.
@ Drake: "prestigious Drake’s Dudemeister award" sounds perfect, I'll take it! And can you send me a course catalog for Warrior University please???
@ Nubian: OMG! You're like totally one of my real life students! Like, how the mofo did you find me on the internets?! ZOMG... like whatev don't tell anyone! Pshaa.
@ hisqueen: Indeed, me = man. We give back infants when they're ready. Trust the procedure and timing.
@ Didactic Pirate: I must admit, you are an accelerated student - one of the first to enroll. Your advert for my class pleases me, and Steven Seagal. He said that you're allowed to post your advert anywhere you like on the internet (if I were you, I'd do as he says). Thanks Pirate!
I CAN NOT LET THE TERRORISTS WIN. Plus, I want to kick Chuck Norris's ass.
Wait, there's not homework and shit, right?
Any one of these would have Denny at hello.
@ Jules: Welcome aboard Jules! And, erm, yea there actually is homework (occasionally). Check the "homework" tab for the latest assignment of awesomeness.
@ Denny: Cynicism 101 had Denny at hello. We both win.
I'm in! Sign me up.
6) Cynicism 101 will be your mid-wife while your mouth gives birth to an 8 lb. 9 oz. laugh baby.
COUNT ME IN.
Do I look glamorous in labor?
People, people, people...
I didn't say 'Girl' because I thought that the Doctor was a non-dude... it's a quote from Team America, during the montage song. I figured given the reference to 80's themed montages, that Team America was an influence, since it has an entire montage making fun of 80's themed montages. I assumed that the 'Even Rocky had a montage' would have assured that at least SOMEONE would have caught the reference.
Sorry for the confusion. Now, please continue with the lesson. Sorry for disrupting the class.
I eagerly await the Steven Seagal portion of the curriculum.
@ Midwestern Mama: Excellent! You're in.
@ Vodka and Ground Beef: You're already in. And yes, you look glamorous in labor. Like a shining star that leads lost travelers to their destinations... destinations of chilled tampons, jam packed Tivos, and racially profiled love affairs. (If anyone isn't understanding this then that means you have NOT been reading your course work over at Vodka and Ground Beef... which means YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!)
@ Kev D: Looks like we're the suckers, and you got one over on us my friend. Anyone that stumps me with comedic references gets brownie points. You win.
i'm going to think of this as more of a continued learning course because i'm sure somewhere along the line, i had to have some sort of cynical higher education.
but i'm really only enrolling cus i love my country
I've already got the mustache one covered.
I don't have a spaniel. I have a dachshund and am concerned that this course will add Cocker to my wiener dog.
So like has anyone done the required reading? I was so like busy yesterday with my besties at the mall, found these to die for zebra print 8 inch heel shoes on sale, I look so hot, anyways, if someone could email me the summary version of the required reading I would just like be so grateful, I would so totally be your friend foreva'!!
I was hoping it would add more shiht to my zu
@ bluntdelivery: Continued education is at least half my enrollment - you're totally in. And I'll gladly accept any of the previously mentioned reasons for said enrollment.
@ Gorilla Bananas: On top of having one of the funniest names I've ever seen, you already wield the handlebar. You're likely to be a rising star in here good sir. I'll have my eye on you!
@ crabbyoldfart & frigginloon: I see both of your concerns here. The additional Cocker to Spaniel was reported from a previous graduate. I'd like to run additional experiments/tests this semester to see if other canine breeds gain similar, different, or other unexpected benefits. I'll keep your breeds in mind and report back periodically. Thank you kindly gentlemen.
@ Nubian: You again?! Bring back Nubian you impostor! (On a side note, you're comment about emailing notes/readings isn't far off. Each of my university's courses employs an online system that lets students email other students. However, being a typical student these days, they don't fully read or pay attention to the directions. So they send some "friends" emails asking to set up a note taking system where each of them only has to attend a few days of class here and there, and then they share the notes each of them are missing. They also inevitably throw in a comment or two about how the class sucks and so on, totally oblivious to the fact that their email was sent to ALL users - which includes me (their professor), all teaching assistants, and all other students in the course. My favorite part is beginning next class session by reading the email out loud :-) I'm kind of a shitty prof like that)
Dude, I'm so happy I found you. Can I claim the units as professional development? Gotta move across in the pay scale since I've already taken a pay cut, got furloughed, downsized etc. by my freakin district.
Btw, can I get some extra credit for my sarcasm paper? I totally rocked that one!!!
http://alexsblogginglife.blogspot.com
@ Alessandra: I'm happy you found me too! And yes, continuing education and professional development are unit/credit worthy. Hope things turn around for your district :-( Hang in there and take two doses of humor a day.
Better than Chuck Norris? How is that even possible?
Nevermind, I trust you. Sign me up!
Oh, but just so you know, I'll be skipping the "burp and feed your yet-to-be-conceived-baby" class. Only because rather than enduring the pain of child-birth, I've decided to adopt Justin Bieber instead (financially, it just makes sense). And I'm pretty sure he already pays someone to do that for him.
@ bschooled: You crack me up! Your cunning financial sense and Facebooking expertise could come in handy for this class; perhaps you'd be interested in being a guest lecturer...
does the course come in DVD form??
hehe
Hey, whose calling me a gentleman??? It's friggin Ms to you :)
I've been jonesing for a handlebar mustache ever since Rev. Jones took over Fox News with his plans to burn Korans. And he's just chock full of good ideas. Like handlebar mustaches. And burning Korans.
Thoroughly enjoyed reading this. Especially like the 80's music montage option. Does that come free if I subscribe?
AWC- that handlebar mustachio would totally help with your love life.
@ susi spice: Not at this time... we're working on exploring new technologies for upcoming semesters. Maybe some funny videos would suffice?
@ friggin Ms: *my head is down, doing the Snoopy walk of sadness and shame* From now on, you're friggin Ms.
@ alonewithcats: Thankfully, this class does not make you anything like Rev. Jones. But admittedly, he does wield a kick as handlebar.
@ uaoo: Nothing in life is free my friend. It won't cost money, but you'll have to earn it with hard work and dedication in the course. Or just plain ol' bribery is fine too. I like desserts and blog awards.
@Loon and Dr Cynicism.... bhahahhahahahha
oh that is too funny... Mr Loon hahahhahaha
Oh, really? *Desserts*,hmm? That'll cost you an 80's montage of my life and a 90's montage of the current state of politics in America.
@ Erin: Hey wait! The bribe is for me; people don't pay for bribes! What's going on here?! hehe
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