Name change: Red Mango

This morning, I was reflecting on life and society, pondering the great issues of our time... such as why I'm starting to grow random hairs on my back/upper arms, why the old guy in the office across from me smells like black licorice, and wondering what kinds of things Mike Tyson dreams about at night. And at that moment, an epiphany struck me right in the face. Rather than just sitting around wallowing in the darkness and stupidity of our world, why not DO SOMETHING about it?! Perhaps I could throw around my immensely inferior power and status as a no-name professor to make a REAL CHANGE for humanity.

So allow me to introduce you to a lecture that will be the first in a new and recurring series entitled The Great Name Change Movement of 2010 and Possibly Even More Years Beyond That. I will examine things (products, people, places, anything!) that have underwhelming, shitty, loser-ific, or inappropriate nomenclature, and then transform those menial labels into better, 121% accurate, overly awesomesauce-ish titles truly befitting of people like me and my readers.

First in the series: Red Mango. With this one, I'm ignoring the fact that the name could be more awesome, I'm simply aiming only to correct its accuracy. Here's what they call themselves:

Here's what it should be named:

My wife, Mrs. Cynicism, loves their " frozen yogurt" - one of her favorite treats in fact. She offered me a cup one day, but I should have trusted my cynical instincts considering her taste in coffee drinks. If I recall correctly, the flavor was blueberry [original with blueberries on top]. Now don't get me wrong, the blueberry flavor was indeed delightful - but it was the whole SAUERKRAUT flavor thing that wasn't going down so easy. I expected the sweet and innocent blueberry gods to gently massage my taste buds, but what I got instead was a cup of LIES. Really sour lies. You are no longer allowed to call yourself frozen yogurt sir or madam (I don't know the formal term for aggressively addressing a company, so just go with it), because you are no frozen yogurt! You have been exposed my curdled friend! TCBY is frozen yogurt. Send a spy there to learn their trade secrets or something. If I desired your brand of "frozen yogurt," I could toss 2-month-old cartons of festering milk and tubs of Daisy sour cream into my freezer, and not have to pay a bajillion dollars for a small cup of that shit either.

So unless you already enjoy mixing up milk products with Warheads, Sour Patch Kids, and Chinese sweet & sour soup, I'd skip out on the experience.

(Quick health note: any readers that are riddled with STDs may find medicinal benefits from the super powered cultures. Best used by eating 1 full cup per day, and then rubbing an additional cup all over your body. And quit having sex with people too.)

[EDIT: I've been yelled at by Mrs. Cynicism; apparently I got the flavor wrong. It wasn't blueberry flavored, it was in fact original/regular flavor with real blueberries as the topping. My bad. I apparently lose.]