I always thought of myself as a physically fit man. In my school years, I was a wrestler, rower, and weight lifter; moreover, I've practiced/studied martial arts on and off for most of my life. But my notions of fitness came to a screeching halt when, a few months ago, I was introduced to the exercise program called Power 90 Extreme, P90X for short. There's no easy way to say this folks... P90X... raped me... physically and emotionally.
"Dr. Cynicism, can you show us on the doll where P90X hurt you?"
"Yes sir *whimpering* It hurt me... here." *points at doll - entire jury gasps*
I don't know if any of you have seen this DVD series or not. But it will break you. It will stab every bone, joint, and muscle in your body with knives of hate. It will leave you wet and crying in the middle of your living room floor. It will leave you looking like a totally weak and sad embarrassment to your spouse or significant other.
*wife walks into room* "Honey, are you OK??"
*crying on the floor like a girl who fell and broke her nose at her own Sweet 16 party* "Yea, I'm fine - this thing is great. Really... great."
"Does that timer at the bottom of the screen say you've only been doing this for 5 minutes?"
"NO! God no. It... it means 5 hours hon. Pshh... I mean c'mon."
So when I first got a glimpse of these videos, they looked like all the others - stupid and ridiculously easy. I mean how in the hell can you get a workout from staring at the TV while hopping around your living room? Did I pay attention to the warnings from my friends? Sadly, no. So that is why Tony Horton, the fitness guru featured in these videos, exacted his revenge upon me. In order to warn all of my readers, and hopefully prevent others from falling victim to these exercise atrocities, I'm adding another entry to my "Great Name Change Movement of 2010 and Possibly Even More Years Beyond That" series. I am officially renaming the P90X fitness system to:
Be careful out there students.
Haha, great post. I tackled the 90 days of p90x from April - July this year. It kicked my ass big time the first 3 - 4 weeks, but by the end of it the whole thing became much easier.
And not because I started half-assing it. Ok, ok.. maybe I did. But I did tone up a bit - I mean how the hell can you NOT tone up?
Sd
http://simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com/
They should do a "participant reaction" thing on youtube where people tape themselves (like that 2 girls and a cup thing) only people slowly dying rather than puk!ng... haha that would catch i bet... And i thought wii fit was hard sometimes... i'm sure this one is a killer
haha he definitely agree. Tony is the devil.
Nothing so humbling as coming to grips with our own weaknesses. I once had to leave a spinning class because I was quite certain I was doing to die of a heart attack. But I was equally concerned I'd die of mortification after dismounting my bike and walking out - past the WHOLE DAMN CLASS. :)
I hope that this isn't a required class because after walking up 6 flights of stairs I had to sit down as my legs were not co-operating with the rest of my body.
Again a case of the mind willing and the body saying "hold it right there buddy, this aint happening" - my body says the same thing to me.
@ Simple dude: I'm very much looking forward to that part you mentioned, where it all becomes much easier. Thanks for the pep talk.
@ Miss Nikki: That's a great idea! Watch people dying to P90X. It would be an internet sensation!
@ Paige: Totally - you can feel the evil.
@ Tricia: I hear that spinning classes are a recruitment strategy for hell. I feel your pain!
@ Nubian: It's sad isn't it? Getting winded running up stairs at work simply makes me feel like a gigantic loser. Try P90X!
@ Mama Holly: My mind and body should really sit down and have a drink; they need to sort some things out.
Maybe Doc you should just go back to the Jane Fonda Workout and be done with it ...I'm just saying!
Oh, that dude is absolutely the anti-christ. In the fourth DVD series, he reveals the part where you have to sell your soul to get the abs of steel.
I've heard about this workout, but I didn't know there was an "extreme" version. Everyone I've met who does it regularly frightens me, and I've had to cut off contact with them.
Don't go into the light Dr. C.
What?? No videos of you weeping on the floor like a girly..your wife really needs to get on the ball.
Another reason I'm glad I don't have the Tee Vee. Or a room big enough to hurt myself in.
@ frigginloon: I would never use the Jane Fonda workout... if someone else were in the house. Do with that what you may.
@ Didactic Pirate: I KNEW IT! Ha! More proof rolls in. Thank you Pirate... you strengthen my beliefs in the rumors I've heard about a group Kool Aid drinking session at the end of the series.
@ Vodka and Ground Beef: You raise a good point. Perhaps these people should be excluded from normal society.
@ hisqueen: Yea I know, sad... for you guys/gals, not me :-)
@ Beta Dad: In circumstances like these, you are indeed lucky! Even if you do get the Tee Vee and a big enough room, stay away from the devil videos!
Seriously Dr. C, just reading this post made my muscles hurt...
Frankly, if an exercise product was endorsed by the devil, I would probably be more willing to consider purchasing it.
@ justmakingconvo: Then stop reading it so hard :-) Oh yea, nvm, the whole exercise thing. Trust me, just watching the vids hurt. Actually following along was the worst.
@ mattposky: You know, I would have thought the same thing. But it's not working out too well between me and Mr. Horton. I'm as surprised as anyone else - because typically the devil and I are on good terms.
@Dr It's the leotards, isn't it?
@ frigginloon: I plead the fifth. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rissm5YHJQg)
Satan is a swell guy
@ Trashcanman: At times. We were buds back in college and the last half of high school. But these days, I try to avoid him. He's clingy too.
This mad me laugh my ass off. I will admit in the first month I wondered what the hell I got myself into and contemplated returning the entire program and getting my money back, but then something happened... I started seeing changes in my stomach (AB RIPPER X IS THE DEVIL BUT IT WORKS) and I started seeing that my jeans were falling off of me... in time the workouts have gotten easier - not all of them mind you but most of them... I guess if you dance with the devil in the pale moonlight long enough it becomes easier... but that's only after you drink is BLOOD RECOVERY DRINK!
I think the thing that drives me the most nuts is that it's so expensive... but I guess I should put a price on my own health right? Just make a deal with said devil ;)
Tony drives me crazy but I owe him for my new found enjoyment (it's not love yet) of fitness.
I feel better knowing I'm doing this after you saying it was tough for you as well, and you have SO much more fitness experience over me. I danced in school... hardly grunt worthy stuff!
@ Kelly: LOL, "Blood Recovery Drink" - I love it! You should start marketing that thing NOW. And yes I agree, it gets better as time passes, but it's reassuring to know that others struggle just as much in the beginning.
By the way, your blog is great too - I'm enjoying it!
So I am not sure I see what the problem is of being left wet and crying on the living room floor.
Is it just me?
@ Vapid Blonde: TOUCHE! You make a solid argument. Perhaps I shall make you the debate leader for our class.
This made me laugh! I don't know much about P90X, but my husband showed me someone on his FB page who CONSTANTLY talks about P90X. Constantly. You must be right! It's a cult on top of everything you've said. On another note, thanks for the invitation to join "Mighty Guffaw" on Studio Thirty Plus". I love that there is a collection of humor blogs on that site. I'm looking forward to checking them all out.
@ Kelley: Cult indeed. A cult of super athletic war machines that will some day take over the world with jumping jacks and push-ups... I'm scared, hold me.
Also, glad you enjoy The Might Guffaw over at http://www.studiothirtyplus.com/ I figured it would be nice to have a collection of humorous bloggers over there!
I'm still afraid to even look at the packaging of P90X, much less actually try the DVD. I am, however, a huge fan of Aeroboxing by Michael Olijade, Jr. It only made me cry the first two weeks. And now? My punches are awesome, which is perfect as I like to randomly throw throat and kidney punches. You should check it out! [Aeroboxing. Not my throat/kidney punches]
@ Sherri: You're a fan of throat punches too?!?! ZOMG! Exquisite!
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