Yesterday, I'm minding my own business in a small corner of my laboratory, trying desperately to get some much needed work done. I'm finally alone, no one bothering me every 5 minutes, no undergrads, no grad students, no fires needing to be put out. Everything is right with the world. And then my ears fill with that all-too-familiar pain, "Dr. [Cynicism]... Dr. [Cynicism] are you in here?" *sigh* "Yea, in the back room, working on some computer stuff."
"Hey professor. I needed to get your opinion about... OH. Um. Uhhh."
"Opinion about what? Wait, what's the matter?"
"Uhh... that's the chair."
"What?"
"Well... you're in that chair. THE chair... that... um..."
I was trying to say 'Please speak English and spit it out or I will dragon-claw strike you in the throat because I am super busy,' but instead it came out, "Okay, gather your thoughts. Please tell me what you're trying to say."
"Okay, that's the same chair that the guy shit himself in. You remember? That guy from a couple weeks back that-"
"Are you-?!?! WHAT THE-?!?!? *now yelling and trailing off as I'm already running down the hall toward the washroom* "WHY THE HELL IS THAT THING STILL IN OUR LAB DAMN IT?!?! I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU PEOPLE!"
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Looks like fate had a little fun with me
Wasn’t it reported and cleaned accordingly?!
The sad thing about this story is he never got your opinion. XD
I was going to email you this morning as I was wondering why you had not updated and if you had found a rare bottle of Talisker and were keeping it all to yourself!! Single malts rule. Enough said.
With regards to the chair, I don't care how many buckets of bleach the chair would have been subjected to, it should have been burned!!
Skip the chair. The poor guy. I remember in grade school a boy whom we shall call Emmanuel shit himself. At that time boys wore shorts (walking shorts) as a school uniform in warmer days and when his "sick in the pants" happened, it also went running down his legs. A few weeks later we found out he was sick and died. Ha. at least I did not make fun of him but instead, felt really bad for him.
So... does the chair still stink? Is it stained? Did you ever get your work done?
I should clarify... I don't think that actual feces touched the chair. My assistants maintain that it resided comfortably in his pants - while he was sitting on the chair. But in my mind, that's just as bad, and that chair has no business still being around.
@ Drake: Yea, I thought so. Something tells me that guy wouldn't give 2 shits about my opinion (see what I did there? Zing!).
@ Nubian: Work is super busy - blogging updates are falling to the wayside. But you will likely be interested in my upcoming post on Scotch whisky :-)
@ Wannabe: Sure, it was probably shitty for that guy (2 in a row). But the way he just announced it so carefree, and remained peppy for the rest of the day was pure brilliance.
@ Miss Nikki: The chair is gone. Very gone. And no, I'm still trying to finish up some of that work this weekend. As you can see, I'm spending my time wisely by making new blog posts and responding to comments. Ha! Work sucks!
Oh for goodness sakes Doc, why didn't you pay that chair forward? It could become infamous!!!!
Burn the chair, as well as the pants that you were wearing. Maybe burn your hands a little too, you know, to be safe.
@ frigginloon: DAMN IT! You're soooo right. Sometimes I wonder how I ever earned a Ph.D. That chair could be bringing in the laughs for years to come.
@ Kev: Good ideas... I'm on it. I was even thinking of removing the skin from my hands like the villain in Seven.
Well ... crap.
Holy crap!
I just posted yesterday about dog poop, and now I think you have seriously outdone me. Bastard.
Burn the chair, burn the pants, burn the lab, maybe burn your hands. Ok that is a little too far. Just a little...
I have to agree with the Loon, pay it forward.
Keep the chair in storage. When large,unpleasant meetings are called by management types bring out the chair to ensure there is enough seating.
You could, on these occasions, also have a betting pool on who lands in the chair
@ alonewithcats: Ha! I see what you did there!
@ Brahm: Holy crap indeed. Looks like everyone's voting for burning :-)
@ omawarisan: Yea, I seriously overlooked this wonderful opportunity. That's what happens when you're a die hard cynic I suppose, you tend to not see the positive opportunities in situations like this. *sigh*
bahahhaahaha... tears from how funny this story is doc.
but how mean are you that you made a student crap their pants!?
@ susi spice: Oh this story is only a tiny taste of the stories I've accumulated over the years working at a university. Hopefully I'll be sharing many more :-)
Denny's not much of an LOL-er...but I just did. Fantastic.
P.S.--can you post photos of the chair?
@ Denny: Well, as I mentioned to Miss Nikki, I already got rid of the chair :-( But you guys have totally taught me a lesson in this - and that is to never let an opportunity like this slip through my hands again. I should have kept the chair, taken pictures of it, and used it for special occasions in the future (like getting revenge, fucking with new people to the lab, etc.). Looks like the Dr. is the one who got schooled today...
Can you do a photographic reenactment with a different chair?
(Yes, you struck a nerve with Denny.)
@ Denny: Okay, okay... let my mind marinate in this idea for a few days and perhaps I can come up with a solution. It must be one that maintains anonymity for me, yet conveys the sheer horror, anger, and ridiculousness of the situation at hand. Hmmmm...
You are hysterical, and you now have a new follower on Twitter too :-) I will be checking back here often. One comment: Too bad there is no pic of the chair
@ punchingbag: Thanks! And yes, it's a shame there is no chair pic. But it looks like I may be forced into doing something to follow this up... a similar chair photo, reenactment, I don't know. We'll see. I had no idea that a shit-chair would evoke so much emotion in readers.
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